It has, once again, been WAY too long since I gave update and there have been MANY changes in the Castro family over the past few months.
In late Spring my hubby came to me and told me he had made a decision. This decision would affect our family significantly. I was a little nervous, but as I listened to him tell me that he felt he needed to be in full time, vocational ministry all I could think was "Glad you figured it out!" :) I had total peace about this choice and was excited to see where this decision would take us. At this time there was some discussion about joining staff somewhere locally. While I loved this idea, in my heart I just knew Springfield wasn't where we would end up. I did begin to wonder where we would go though. Would we have to start over somewhere new? Would we have to start from square one on adoption paperwork again? I am pretty introverted, how will I make new friends? What will I do without family nearby? I had to resolve that I would pick up and follow my husband wherever The Lord called us. A few weeks later Andy had coffee with a pastor of his home church in Kansas City, as he occasionally did when we would visit. This meeting led to more meetings and discussions, which eventually lead to his being offered a job to join the pastoral staff at Graceway Church. His heart is not mine to share, but it will say there was such peace in this offer that we couldn't say no.
So, while we did relocate (or rather, are relocating currently), it's not THAT far from Springfield. We have lots of family in KC. And while I still feel "new," I have lived there before and people are being so kind and welcoming. Our house in Springfield sold quickly and assuming this week goes well (pray for no rain!) we close Friday. We also had an amazing realtor who found us a great house in KC. My other fear of financial struggle has also been put to rest as I learn to trust in God's provision. While there's a pretty decent gap between the salary of a pastor and that of an engineer, He has not failed to provide. Funding the legal and travel fees for our second adoption may be tricky, but not impossible and I am learning how to be an even better steward of what The Lord has given us.
Ministry is not foreign to me as many of my family members are pastors, or were at one point, but this is a new role for me and my immediate family. I was asked the other day what scares me the most about Andy being a pastor. In an effort to share more of my heart, I want to share my answer with all of you. We have all heard stories of "pastors kids" being crazy and rebellious. I think every parent fears that to an extent, but my fear is mostly that my children will feel pressure to perform in their role as a "pastor's kid" and that the unrealistic expectations of others will overwhelm them. I pray they grow into a genuine relationship with The Lord and I pray that people give them grace as they
navigate growing up with more than a few eyes on them at times.
Pray for me this week as I pack up our house here in Springfield. There is a certain finality that comes with packing up all our material things and leaving our home here and that stirs some emotions in me I didn't realize were there.
Next update: Timothy's finalization, birth family, and next adoption steps.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Thursday, July 31, 2014
MO Court-one
Today we went to court in Missouri with Timothy. This was to officially transfer custody from our agency to us. Going into today, it was just another step in the process. I knew it would be pretty quick and honestly didn't feel any anxiety or even excitement. This is not the finalization. We have to go to court one more time, 6 months from now to complete the final step. However, as I sat in the court room, sworn under oath, and promised to take care of Timothy my heart was so full. Full of hope and love for this sweet baby boy I was holding. Excitement that we are SO CLOSE to becoming more than just legal custodians but legal PARENTS to him. My eyes filled at one moment as the judge looked at us and pleaded with us to care for our boy. The enormity of parenting hit me once again in that moment. I think as a parent you always feel the weight of that responsibility, but there are moments when it feels so intense it almost takes your breath away. Today was one of those days. Sitting in court was one if those moments. We are responsible for this precious baby boy. His health, his emotional well being, his spiritual growth, for shaping the way he looks at this world, for instilling in him a desire to seek after The Lord and to look beyond himself, to make a difference in the lives of those around him. Wow. That I have been trusted with this responsibility is humbling, exciting and terrifying! I pray that as Andy and I raise our children we are alert and focused, able to do what is necessary to fulfill this incredible responsibility.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Adding to the family
It has, once again, been way too long since I have updated everyone. There are a few pretty important events that I want to share with everyone as we continue moving forward in our adoption adventure.
1) Without going into too much detail, we learned we will have to go to court twice in order to finalize Timothy's adoption. First, to transfer custody from the agency to us. Second, to finalize and make us his "parents" on paper. (Though we already know this in our hearts and minds) Tomorrow, July 31 is that first court date. Though I'm not thrilled with the idea of sitting for an undisclosed amount of time in a court room, I am so excited to be one step closer to making everything officially official!
2) I gave talked about Timothy's other parents before. I appreciate and respect them so much for their choice of adoption. It's not an easy decision and it is extremely difficult to say good bye and place your child in another persons arms and know they will be called mommy and daddy. I have chosen to be discrete in the information I share about them because I want to honor them and I will defend their choice for adoption, always. So what I share now, I ask you to continue joining me in choosing to respect this choice.
Tonight I had the opportunity to meet a very handsome boy and his sweet mom (via adoption) He is 18 months old, has curly dark hair and big brown eyes. Sound familiar? This sweet boy is Timothy's biological brother. Their parents chose adoption for him at birth and he is now part do a wonderful family, living less than 2 hours away! We have known about him since the beginning of this journey and are so excited the boys will get the chance to know each other. We will travel with this family to Kentucky once a year so the families can all be together. I cannot say enough wonderful things about this sweet boy and his family. I am thankful that we get to experience this journey with them.
3) We are on track to adopt again! We were granted an extended hold time with our new agency so we will be back on the "list" and shown to birth parents again beginning early Spring 2015. Until then we will be fundraising/saving so we have travel and legal fees paid for by the time we get our newest little one!
On another note: I am personally hoping and praying for a few little things regarding this next adoption... :)
* for a girl...though if The Lord chooses to bless me with sweet baby boys my heart will be full and happy
* for this next baby to not arrive within a month before the next big family wedding
* for close proximity to where we live so my other two babies can be brought to us easily while we wait for the ICPC court process
While these are my tiny preferences, I trust that, just like before, God will work these details perfectly, in his timing, with the right match for us.
1) Without going into too much detail, we learned we will have to go to court twice in order to finalize Timothy's adoption. First, to transfer custody from the agency to us. Second, to finalize and make us his "parents" on paper. (Though we already know this in our hearts and minds) Tomorrow, July 31 is that first court date. Though I'm not thrilled with the idea of sitting for an undisclosed amount of time in a court room, I am so excited to be one step closer to making everything officially official!
2) I gave talked about Timothy's other parents before. I appreciate and respect them so much for their choice of adoption. It's not an easy decision and it is extremely difficult to say good bye and place your child in another persons arms and know they will be called mommy and daddy. I have chosen to be discrete in the information I share about them because I want to honor them and I will defend their choice for adoption, always. So what I share now, I ask you to continue joining me in choosing to respect this choice.
Tonight I had the opportunity to meet a very handsome boy and his sweet mom (via adoption) He is 18 months old, has curly dark hair and big brown eyes. Sound familiar? This sweet boy is Timothy's biological brother. Their parents chose adoption for him at birth and he is now part do a wonderful family, living less than 2 hours away! We have known about him since the beginning of this journey and are so excited the boys will get the chance to know each other. We will travel with this family to Kentucky once a year so the families can all be together. I cannot say enough wonderful things about this sweet boy and his family. I am thankful that we get to experience this journey with them.
3) We are on track to adopt again! We were granted an extended hold time with our new agency so we will be back on the "list" and shown to birth parents again beginning early Spring 2015. Until then we will be fundraising/saving so we have travel and legal fees paid for by the time we get our newest little one!
On another note: I am personally hoping and praying for a few little things regarding this next adoption... :)
* for a girl...though if The Lord chooses to bless me with sweet baby boys my heart will be full and happy
* for this next baby to not arrive within a month before the next big family wedding
* for close proximity to where we live so my other two babies can be brought to us easily while we wait for the ICPC court process
While these are my tiny preferences, I trust that, just like before, God will work these details perfectly, in his timing, with the right match for us.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Adjustments and transitions
Well, I have now neglected my blog for over 2 months. Oops! My goodness how time gets away with a little one around! To my mommy friends who keep up with their blogs after bringing home baby...I bow down! :) Ok, maybe not bow. But I am most definitely impressed. Part of why I haven't written is because there are so many things I want to talk about and I have had a hard time deciding where to start.
How to help adoptive parents while they are traveling to get their little ones, stateside and internationally.
Transitions to multiple children from one.
Birth parent interactions and relationships.
Things people say and how I choose to respond.
Judgmental parenting.
Foster Care and how you can help.
Where to start?!
So I decided to start easy and cover the other topics as I have time.
Many of you have asked how things are going, so I want to do my best to give you a honest look at how life with my 2 boys has been the past 2 1/2 months.
First off, Josiah is doing fabulous! I cannot even begin to tell you the joy I felt at seeing him run down the hotel hallway in Kentucky! I also cannot begin to tell you the pain in my heart when he hid behind his daddy because he hadn't seen me in 17 days. Or how sad it made me to realize how quickly I had forgotten all the little details in his sweet face. Even watching videos of him and going through pictures multiple times a day, I had forgotten his round little face and how his sweet giggle sounded in my ears. Punch in the gut! How does a mother "forget" all of these little things so quickly?! How terrible must I be that my baby seemed so different to me in just a short amount of time?! However, this quickly faded. When we brought Josiah into the room to meet Timothy he didn't have much to say, but his actions told us quickly that he loved his baby brother. I held Josiah on my lap, then helped him hold Timothy. When Andy took Timothy away Josiah simply said "No." Not defiantly, not whiny, but a way that said "This is my brother and I'm not going to let him go." His connection and devotion to Timothy was immediate. He frequently wanted to know exactly where Timothy was and how he could help him feel better. We had a wonderful weekend with my grandparents, who traveled with Andy and Josiah. We went to an amazing park on the riverfront, walked around downtown, ate at a local restaurant, and had lots of snuggles in our room. It truly could not have gone any more smoothly. ICPC was cleared SO quickly after court and on Monday we were headed home! The boys traveled wonderfully and we got to sleep in our OWN beds...for 4 nights.
Our lives got hectic again for a few days as we traveled to KC for Andy's brother's wedding. We got to introduced Timothy to lots of extended family and Josiah performed perfectly in his role as ring bearer :)
When we returned, Timothy got a slight cold, but thankfully it didn't turn into anything serious and after a few days at home and some TLC from mommy, daddy and grandma he was feeling better.
2 weeks later we traveled to KC yet again for one of my best friend's wedding. Josiah got some great "mama-papa" time this weekend as well.
FINALLY, after this trip we were able to settle in as a family of 4 with a more "normal" schedule.
Josiah continued to check on Timothy frequently, making sure he had his paci, helping me feed him, standing close when I changed him, etc. The first time Josiah and I went somewhere without Timothy he said "We lost him! I miss my Timothy!" It was so sweet. Of course we have moments where Josiah wants my attention and has to wait, but overall I could not have imagined a smoother transition.
And Timothy. Well, he's just perfect :) He sleeps very well, waking only once a night (typically). He is super snuggly and his favorite thing is to hang out in the Moby wrap all cuddled in next to mommy. He also loves to lay on his boppy and look around. This is usually where he hangs out while I work out. I'm sure he's laughing on the inside at how ridiculous I look from that angle :) Maybe TMI, but many have asked. Timothy takes a combination of formula and breast milk from a friend of mine. He is growing like a weed (as you can see from facebook pictures) and has doubled his birth weight already. He gives us little smiles here and there, but is a pretty serious kid. But his eyes, oh you can see so much in his eyes. They are bright and curious and you can just see him taking in everything around him as quickly as possible. He is laid back until he's hungry, then you KNOW he's hungry, and he makes the most adorable facial expressions and noises when he sleeps.
Our families simply love Timothy and he gets lots and lots of love all around.
As a mom, there are definitely days where I feel like I've failed. Like I don't have enough hands, enough attention, enough patience, enough determination, enough of myself to give adequately to both of my boys. There are days where we watch Frozen, sometimes twice, because I just need to get things done and one or the other needs me every moment. There are days where we just stay home in our jammies, stay in bed watching Wheels on the Bus till 9:00, and read books/play all day. My goal is to meet the emotional and physical needs of my boys. For now, that means we stay home a lot. We laugh, we learn together, we play, we count to ten and sing our ABC's 27 times in a row, we go to the park and we bond. While I have seen an attachment between Timothy and Josiah from the beginning it is important to me that their brotherly bond is strong and secure. This means a lot quality time together, just us. While I feel somewhat disconnected from our social group and I have days where I miss adult interaction, I feel more strongly about our family connection with Timothy so it's worth the sacrifice for now. I also feel strongly that Josiah feel secure in knowing that I will always come back to him. Because toddlers don't have the ability to articulate their feelings accurately we do not always give value to what they may be experiencing. When we returned from KY Josiah was very clingy and very concerned when I left him. I needed to use the past 2 months to re-establish his security that when I leave I will not stay gone for days or weeks on end. The time apart had more of an impact on him than I can say. It may not make sense to others, and it may not be obvious, but I know my first born. I know when he is worried, I know when he is scared or insecure, I know when he needs extra assurance. He is beginning to return to his normal self, looking forward to Sunday School and being OK with sitters. I am thankful for this change and our establishment of a new "normal."
How to help adoptive parents while they are traveling to get their little ones, stateside and internationally.
Transitions to multiple children from one.
Birth parent interactions and relationships.
Things people say and how I choose to respond.
Judgmental parenting.
Foster Care and how you can help.
Where to start?!
So I decided to start easy and cover the other topics as I have time.
Many of you have asked how things are going, so I want to do my best to give you a honest look at how life with my 2 boys has been the past 2 1/2 months.
First off, Josiah is doing fabulous! I cannot even begin to tell you the joy I felt at seeing him run down the hotel hallway in Kentucky! I also cannot begin to tell you the pain in my heart when he hid behind his daddy because he hadn't seen me in 17 days. Or how sad it made me to realize how quickly I had forgotten all the little details in his sweet face. Even watching videos of him and going through pictures multiple times a day, I had forgotten his round little face and how his sweet giggle sounded in my ears. Punch in the gut! How does a mother "forget" all of these little things so quickly?! How terrible must I be that my baby seemed so different to me in just a short amount of time?! However, this quickly faded. When we brought Josiah into the room to meet Timothy he didn't have much to say, but his actions told us quickly that he loved his baby brother. I held Josiah on my lap, then helped him hold Timothy. When Andy took Timothy away Josiah simply said "No." Not defiantly, not whiny, but a way that said "This is my brother and I'm not going to let him go." His connection and devotion to Timothy was immediate. He frequently wanted to know exactly where Timothy was and how he could help him feel better. We had a wonderful weekend with my grandparents, who traveled with Andy and Josiah. We went to an amazing park on the riverfront, walked around downtown, ate at a local restaurant, and had lots of snuggles in our room. It truly could not have gone any more smoothly. ICPC was cleared SO quickly after court and on Monday we were headed home! The boys traveled wonderfully and we got to sleep in our OWN beds...for 4 nights.
Our lives got hectic again for a few days as we traveled to KC for Andy's brother's wedding. We got to introduced Timothy to lots of extended family and Josiah performed perfectly in his role as ring bearer :)
When we returned, Timothy got a slight cold, but thankfully it didn't turn into anything serious and after a few days at home and some TLC from mommy, daddy and grandma he was feeling better.
2 weeks later we traveled to KC yet again for one of my best friend's wedding. Josiah got some great "mama-papa" time this weekend as well.
FINALLY, after this trip we were able to settle in as a family of 4 with a more "normal" schedule.
Josiah continued to check on Timothy frequently, making sure he had his paci, helping me feed him, standing close when I changed him, etc. The first time Josiah and I went somewhere without Timothy he said "We lost him! I miss my Timothy!" It was so sweet. Of course we have moments where Josiah wants my attention and has to wait, but overall I could not have imagined a smoother transition.
And Timothy. Well, he's just perfect :) He sleeps very well, waking only once a night (typically). He is super snuggly and his favorite thing is to hang out in the Moby wrap all cuddled in next to mommy. He also loves to lay on his boppy and look around. This is usually where he hangs out while I work out. I'm sure he's laughing on the inside at how ridiculous I look from that angle :) Maybe TMI, but many have asked. Timothy takes a combination of formula and breast milk from a friend of mine. He is growing like a weed (as you can see from facebook pictures) and has doubled his birth weight already. He gives us little smiles here and there, but is a pretty serious kid. But his eyes, oh you can see so much in his eyes. They are bright and curious and you can just see him taking in everything around him as quickly as possible. He is laid back until he's hungry, then you KNOW he's hungry, and he makes the most adorable facial expressions and noises when he sleeps.
Our families simply love Timothy and he gets lots and lots of love all around.
As a mom, there are definitely days where I feel like I've failed. Like I don't have enough hands, enough attention, enough patience, enough determination, enough of myself to give adequately to both of my boys. There are days where we watch Frozen, sometimes twice, because I just need to get things done and one or the other needs me every moment. There are days where we just stay home in our jammies, stay in bed watching Wheels on the Bus till 9:00, and read books/play all day. My goal is to meet the emotional and physical needs of my boys. For now, that means we stay home a lot. We laugh, we learn together, we play, we count to ten and sing our ABC's 27 times in a row, we go to the park and we bond. While I have seen an attachment between Timothy and Josiah from the beginning it is important to me that their brotherly bond is strong and secure. This means a lot quality time together, just us. While I feel somewhat disconnected from our social group and I have days where I miss adult interaction, I feel more strongly about our family connection with Timothy so it's worth the sacrifice for now. I also feel strongly that Josiah feel secure in knowing that I will always come back to him. Because toddlers don't have the ability to articulate their feelings accurately we do not always give value to what they may be experiencing. When we returned from KY Josiah was very clingy and very concerned when I left him. I needed to use the past 2 months to re-establish his security that when I leave I will not stay gone for days or weeks on end. The time apart had more of an impact on him than I can say. It may not make sense to others, and it may not be obvious, but I know my first born. I know when he is worried, I know when he is scared or insecure, I know when he needs extra assurance. He is beginning to return to his normal self, looking forward to Sunday School and being OK with sitters. I am thankful for this change and our establishment of a new "normal."
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Timeline, court and the heart
In an effort to remain honest and "real" about this experience I feel I have to put out there that when we received news of our court date my heart sank. In my head, I was going to be away from Josiah for two weeks. Our case is pretty open and shut. Both parents terminated rights in the hospital. No one has changed their mind. Papers were filed last Wednesday. Even with the courts being closed yesterday I was so hopeful we could get in my Friday at least. As of now our court date is Tuesday, March 11. This is 17 days after his birth. 14 days from hospital discharge. For a case as smooth as ours there is a part of me that is pretty frustrated with this timeline. But mostly, my heart is aching to be with Josiah. To hug him, play with him, hear his laugh, see his smile, say night night prayers, etc. After court we have to wait a couple more days before we can leave. This means that unless our date is moved closer (praying hard for that) I will be here 3 weeks, 21 days, before I get to go home to the rest of my family. I know I sound like I'm complaining, and I apologize for that. I would do this all over again for Timothy. I would and will fight for him, whatever it takes. But there is an enormous amount of hoops to jump. The system doesn't see all the factors and family dynamics. The fact that I've been away from my 2 year old for 2 weeks doesn't enter the equation. Or that I've been living in a hotel. Or that my husband is trying to work back home but stay connected here. These are the parts that only the family experiences. The emotionally exhausting part. Our experience is so easy compared to others. I know this. I know The Lord is in control and bigger than all of this. Everyone who enters this adoption journey experiences highs and lows and frustrations and rejoicing. I know I'm not alone. The purpose of this post is to be honest about where my heart is right now. For those considering adoption to understand the reality and prepare for the highs and lows, frustrations and rejoicing.
My heart is overwhelmed with joy and sadness equally at this moment, but when I get my family together it will all be worth it. Every single moment. I choose to cherish this a time with Timothy. I choose to be glad that Josiah is happy. I choose to be joyful that things are moving forward. I choose to trust that my Lord is in control and cares about my worries. He is sovereign and His timing is perfect.
My heart is overwhelmed with joy and sadness equally at this moment, but when I get my family together it will all be worth it. Every single moment. I choose to cherish this a time with Timothy. I choose to be glad that Josiah is happy. I choose to be joyful that things are moving forward. I choose to trust that my Lord is in control and cares about my worries. He is sovereign and His timing is perfect.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
The power of prayer
If the past week has taught me anything it's to truly trust in the power of prayer. The Lord has answered so many prayers for us....even ones we didn't know to pray.
Perfect timing when receiving the call that Timothy was on his way. From Andy's parents visiting to the fact that it was early enough that we can most likely be at the big wedding!!
A consistent schedule and wonderful love and care for Josiah while we are gone.
Protection of Josiah's heart being away from mommy and daddy.
Safety as we traveled 8 1/2 hours to the hospital and again for the 3 1/2 hours to the county where court occurs.
A safe and healthy delivery.
A smooth hospital experience.
A perfectly formed baby boy!
Time to pray with our birth parents.
Encouragement from hospital staff.
A clean bill of health at Timothy's follow up Dr. visit.
Financial gifts that gave helped tremendously.
My parents were able to visit for a day.
They made it home safely before the storm hits the Midwest.
....to name a few. So many of you have been faithful to pray with us through the ins and outs of this process so far. THANK YOU!!! Really. You all are awesome!
I ask now for continued prayers for the following...
A court date by Wednesday of this week.
That we would be able to head back to MO next weekend.
That the pending weather would not interfere with our case being seen by the judge.
Continued protection of Josiah and for this momma's heart being away from him for this long.
Again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! Your support, be it verbal or prayer is felt and so appreciated. I am humbled continually that a God chose us for this experience. To be this sweet boy's family. It's truly amazing. I cannot wait to show him to you all!
Perfect timing when receiving the call that Timothy was on his way. From Andy's parents visiting to the fact that it was early enough that we can most likely be at the big wedding!!
A consistent schedule and wonderful love and care for Josiah while we are gone.
Protection of Josiah's heart being away from mommy and daddy.
Safety as we traveled 8 1/2 hours to the hospital and again for the 3 1/2 hours to the county where court occurs.
A safe and healthy delivery.
A smooth hospital experience.
A perfectly formed baby boy!
Time to pray with our birth parents.
Encouragement from hospital staff.
A clean bill of health at Timothy's follow up Dr. visit.
Financial gifts that gave helped tremendously.
My parents were able to visit for a day.
They made it home safely before the storm hits the Midwest.
....to name a few. So many of you have been faithful to pray with us through the ins and outs of this process so far. THANK YOU!!! Really. You all are awesome!
I ask now for continued prayers for the following...
A court date by Wednesday of this week.
That we would be able to head back to MO next weekend.
That the pending weather would not interfere with our case being seen by the judge.
Continued protection of Josiah and for this momma's heart being away from him for this long.
Again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! Your support, be it verbal or prayer is felt and so appreciated. I am humbled continually that a God chose us for this experience. To be this sweet boy's family. It's truly amazing. I cannot wait to show him to you all!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
A little more from the past few days
I have a few more thoughts/ feelings from the past few days that I didn't write about yesterday but wanted to share. Sometimes it takes my brain longer to form words that go with my feelings than my heart does to make them. :)
First of all, the nurses at the hospital were so amazing! When you are in the middle of this unique situation it is easy to get frustrated or overwhelmed dealing with everything. They had to manage 2 sets of parents and a baby. Sometimes they didn't know exactly which room to go to and with their busy schedule I know this is inconvenient. I wish I could personally thank each of them! They were gracious, never showed frustration, loved on our little "peanut" as they nicknamed him, and were incredibly supportive of our family. A few asked genuine questions about adoption and our situation specifically, others just verbalized their support. It was truly incredible and I cannot express how their attitudes and care for us made the hospital stay so much better than expected. These few days had their own set of challenges as we made the transition of care for Timothy and all four parents shared in the joy of his presence. It's not typical...sharing your baby...but necessary, important, and crucial to open adoption in our case. While I know they won't see this I would like to thank these nurses from the bottom of my heart for their support and sensitivity!
Secondly, and maybe taboo, but I'll be honest anyway. I have seriously loved the past few days for so many reasons, but one that stands out is that I feel I have been able to truly experience this time with Timothy, rather than simply survive because I'm not recovering! My body and hormones aren't out of whack, I can work out, and I'm not on mind fuzzing medication. I can sit, walk, stand when and how I want, not fear the bathroom, and relax with my boy! I know this may sound selfish, but please bear with me. I do want to acknowledge that because I had the blessing of birthing our firstborn, I am not grieving a loss of infertility that others may. I do not say these things to diminish the reality of that pain. It is real and needs to be acknowledged. Attachment between mother and son when giving birth is natural. There is a familiarity from the beginning. With adoption, thus attachment needs to be nurtured and created intentionally. By having my mind and body in a stronger state than when I gave birth I feel I am better able to cultivate this attachment because I'm only focused on Timothy. I'm not having to think about taking care of myself in terms of healing or worry about all those pains associated with childbirth. (Since my audience is beyond mommies, I will stay vague, but those who have given birth and experienced some after birth healing complications know what I mean) I am so very thankful that I can focus all my attention on my newest little guy and nurture our bonding with purpose. In addition, I know my oldest is happy and very well cared for and not miserably missing us so I'm not torn with worry of his well being. (Though I miss him terribly and tear up when I hear him chatting away in the background when talking with family)
Last, but most importantly, I am so amazed at the tiny details God has answered! From Timothy's birth weigh to the time if birth and much more. I am humbled that He would love me enough to answer my tiny specific prayers so perfectly. I am thankful for the reminder that He cares for me like a Father cares for His child. He is faithful and I am undeserving of His great and wonderful love.
For now, we wait for a court date and pray for safe travels for my parents as they come visit this weekend. Thank you all for listening to my story :)
First of all, the nurses at the hospital were so amazing! When you are in the middle of this unique situation it is easy to get frustrated or overwhelmed dealing with everything. They had to manage 2 sets of parents and a baby. Sometimes they didn't know exactly which room to go to and with their busy schedule I know this is inconvenient. I wish I could personally thank each of them! They were gracious, never showed frustration, loved on our little "peanut" as they nicknamed him, and were incredibly supportive of our family. A few asked genuine questions about adoption and our situation specifically, others just verbalized their support. It was truly incredible and I cannot express how their attitudes and care for us made the hospital stay so much better than expected. These few days had their own set of challenges as we made the transition of care for Timothy and all four parents shared in the joy of his presence. It's not typical...sharing your baby...but necessary, important, and crucial to open adoption in our case. While I know they won't see this I would like to thank these nurses from the bottom of my heart for their support and sensitivity!
Secondly, and maybe taboo, but I'll be honest anyway. I have seriously loved the past few days for so many reasons, but one that stands out is that I feel I have been able to truly experience this time with Timothy, rather than simply survive because I'm not recovering! My body and hormones aren't out of whack, I can work out, and I'm not on mind fuzzing medication. I can sit, walk, stand when and how I want, not fear the bathroom, and relax with my boy! I know this may sound selfish, but please bear with me. I do want to acknowledge that because I had the blessing of birthing our firstborn, I am not grieving a loss of infertility that others may. I do not say these things to diminish the reality of that pain. It is real and needs to be acknowledged. Attachment between mother and son when giving birth is natural. There is a familiarity from the beginning. With adoption, thus attachment needs to be nurtured and created intentionally. By having my mind and body in a stronger state than when I gave birth I feel I am better able to cultivate this attachment because I'm only focused on Timothy. I'm not having to think about taking care of myself in terms of healing or worry about all those pains associated with childbirth. (Since my audience is beyond mommies, I will stay vague, but those who have given birth and experienced some after birth healing complications know what I mean) I am so very thankful that I can focus all my attention on my newest little guy and nurture our bonding with purpose. In addition, I know my oldest is happy and very well cared for and not miserably missing us so I'm not torn with worry of his well being. (Though I miss him terribly and tear up when I hear him chatting away in the background when talking with family)
Last, but most importantly, I am so amazed at the tiny details God has answered! From Timothy's birth weigh to the time if birth and much more. I am humbled that He would love me enough to answer my tiny specific prayers so perfectly. I am thankful for the reminder that He cares for me like a Father cares for His child. He is faithful and I am undeserving of His great and wonderful love.
For now, we wait for a court date and pray for safe travels for my parents as they come visit this weekend. Thank you all for listening to my story :)
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
He's here!!!
Whew! It's been a whirlwind few days but I am finally at a point where I can fill you all in!
First off, thank you for all of your prayers for Timothy, us and his birth parents! God has been so good to us, from safe travels, to Timothy being super healthy (despite being tiny), to smooth transitions so far, to a wonderfully supportive hospital staff and fantastic family members providing us with a hotel room. We are more grateful than words can say.
I will take you through these first few days with as much detail as I can, but please know that there are many things I cannot write for legal reasons as well as out of respect for Timothy's birth family.
Monday, February 17:
Learn that Timothy is measuring a bit small (just under 5lbs) and that induction about a week early was likely.
Tuesday, February 18:
37 weeks!
Wednesday, February 19:
Do taxes. This might seem silly, but it was the earliest appointment we could get after getting everything we needed. I really wanted these done before we had to travel because I expected a return. (We got one!)
Thursday, February 20:
I got the oil changed in my car.....just in case.
Friday, February 21:
Andy's parents came to visit us for a day. It has been a few weeks since we had seen them and wanted one more visit before things got too crazy. While Josiah was napping Linda and I went shopping. I picked up an adorable wedding outfit for Timithy (just in case!) and one premie outfit. I also got a gift for our birth parents. I found it the week before but wanted to make sure it was an ok gift before I got it. We got home and I decided to rest for about 5 minutes, then jump in the shower for an early
dinner. My head had barely hit the pillow when my phone rang. I assumed it was Andy telling me he had gotten off work early. I was wrong. Our social worker's name showed on the screen and I got a little nervous. I heard the words "Well....M is in the hospital. You better pack up and head to Kentucky." I ran into the living room and told Andy's parents. Then called Andy.
Andy: Hey, can I call you back in 5 min.
Me: Ummm, not really, no. M is in labor. You need to come home. It's go time!
Then I'm pretty sure I went up and down my hallway 12 times trying to decide where to start. I had my lists made, but my brain momentarily turned to mush. While calling my mom and grandma I started packing. Somewhere in there Josiah woke up, pretty confused. 1 1/2 hours later we were on our way. It was perfect because Josiah got to stay at home with Andy's parents until my parents got off work to come get him. And, as predicted, I pulled out in tears.
Once we got to the hospital (at about 1:30AM) we visited with our birth patents for a few minutes, then the hospital got us set up in our own room and we continued to wait. We also got to sleep a couple of hours. When we woke up we went to check in with everyone and discovered we were still
waiting. I also learned that I was welcome in the delivery room when the time came! They had not slept well so Andy and I went to get breakfast in the cafeteria. The moment we finished eating my phone rang. It was birth dad calling saying it was push time!
I got to be in the room through the entire process and at 10:10 a screaming baby boy came into this world! There was concern before he came out that he may be too small and need to go to the NICU. I had asked you all to pray he gain some weight and we had been specifically praying he was over 5lbs. He weighed in at a whopping 5lbs 10.8oz and healthy!
We spent the rest of Saturday in the room with birth parents, with a small nap time for all where we took Timothy with us. Sunday was much the same, going back and forth between rooms. But at night it was just the three of us (and the nurses).
On Monday Timothy's birth parents went home. I wish I could accurately put into words what this experience was like. Heart wrenching. To watch them say good byes was so hard and it was easy to see how much they love him. This will be a tough transition for them.
Tuesday we got to leave the hospital!! There was not hot water in our room and I had not been outside for 2 days so it was wonderful to move on and settle into our hotel, take a hot shower and relax.
Paperwork was filed today and now we wait for a court day. We are hopeful for next Wednesday, so prayers for that (or sooner!) are appreciated. After court we wait another 2-3 days for KY and MO to say we can head home.
To answer a few questions...
No, we cannot post pictures yet.
No, I'm not sure when we can. I think after court.
Josiah is with my parents at night and my grandparents during the day. He will also hang out with my aunt some. He is doing great! He is not missing us at all! On one hand this is sad, but really it's good. He is happy and well cared for :) Thanks awesome family!
We cannot say exactly where we are.
Yes, it looks like we will make THE WEDDING!!!!!!
God is so good! We are so thankful for Timothy, his parents, our social workers, the nurses who cared for him (and us), our family and friends who have been so supportive. We are blessed beyond words for the love that surrounds us right now.
A few prayer requests...
A quick court process.
That we are approved to leave by Friday the 7th.
Weather to hold off over the weekend so my parents can come visit.
Safe travels going home.
For our birth parents as they grieve their loss and transition to a new normal.
First off, thank you for all of your prayers for Timothy, us and his birth parents! God has been so good to us, from safe travels, to Timothy being super healthy (despite being tiny), to smooth transitions so far, to a wonderfully supportive hospital staff and fantastic family members providing us with a hotel room. We are more grateful than words can say.
I will take you through these first few days with as much detail as I can, but please know that there are many things I cannot write for legal reasons as well as out of respect for Timothy's birth family.
Monday, February 17:
Learn that Timothy is measuring a bit small (just under 5lbs) and that induction about a week early was likely.
Tuesday, February 18:
37 weeks!
Wednesday, February 19:
Do taxes. This might seem silly, but it was the earliest appointment we could get after getting everything we needed. I really wanted these done before we had to travel because I expected a return. (We got one!)
Thursday, February 20:
I got the oil changed in my car.....just in case.
Friday, February 21:
Andy's parents came to visit us for a day. It has been a few weeks since we had seen them and wanted one more visit before things got too crazy. While Josiah was napping Linda and I went shopping. I picked up an adorable wedding outfit for Timithy (just in case!) and one premie outfit. I also got a gift for our birth parents. I found it the week before but wanted to make sure it was an ok gift before I got it. We got home and I decided to rest for about 5 minutes, then jump in the shower for an early
dinner. My head had barely hit the pillow when my phone rang. I assumed it was Andy telling me he had gotten off work early. I was wrong. Our social worker's name showed on the screen and I got a little nervous. I heard the words "Well....M is in the hospital. You better pack up and head to Kentucky." I ran into the living room and told Andy's parents. Then called Andy.
Andy: Hey, can I call you back in 5 min.
Me: Ummm, not really, no. M is in labor. You need to come home. It's go time!
Then I'm pretty sure I went up and down my hallway 12 times trying to decide where to start. I had my lists made, but my brain momentarily turned to mush. While calling my mom and grandma I started packing. Somewhere in there Josiah woke up, pretty confused. 1 1/2 hours later we were on our way. It was perfect because Josiah got to stay at home with Andy's parents until my parents got off work to come get him. And, as predicted, I pulled out in tears.
Once we got to the hospital (at about 1:30AM) we visited with our birth patents for a few minutes, then the hospital got us set up in our own room and we continued to wait. We also got to sleep a couple of hours. When we woke up we went to check in with everyone and discovered we were still
waiting. I also learned that I was welcome in the delivery room when the time came! They had not slept well so Andy and I went to get breakfast in the cafeteria. The moment we finished eating my phone rang. It was birth dad calling saying it was push time!
I got to be in the room through the entire process and at 10:10 a screaming baby boy came into this world! There was concern before he came out that he may be too small and need to go to the NICU. I had asked you all to pray he gain some weight and we had been specifically praying he was over 5lbs. He weighed in at a whopping 5lbs 10.8oz and healthy!
We spent the rest of Saturday in the room with birth parents, with a small nap time for all where we took Timothy with us. Sunday was much the same, going back and forth between rooms. But at night it was just the three of us (and the nurses).
On Monday Timothy's birth parents went home. I wish I could accurately put into words what this experience was like. Heart wrenching. To watch them say good byes was so hard and it was easy to see how much they love him. This will be a tough transition for them.
Tuesday we got to leave the hospital!! There was not hot water in our room and I had not been outside for 2 days so it was wonderful to move on and settle into our hotel, take a hot shower and relax.
Paperwork was filed today and now we wait for a court day. We are hopeful for next Wednesday, so prayers for that (or sooner!) are appreciated. After court we wait another 2-3 days for KY and MO to say we can head home.
To answer a few questions...
No, we cannot post pictures yet.
No, I'm not sure when we can. I think after court.
Josiah is with my parents at night and my grandparents during the day. He will also hang out with my aunt some. He is doing great! He is not missing us at all! On one hand this is sad, but really it's good. He is happy and well cared for :) Thanks awesome family!
We cannot say exactly where we are.
Yes, it looks like we will make THE WEDDING!!!!!!
God is so good! We are so thankful for Timothy, his parents, our social workers, the nurses who cared for him (and us), our family and friends who have been so supportive. We are blessed beyond words for the love that surrounds us right now.
A few prayer requests...
A quick court process.
That we are approved to leave by Friday the 7th.
Weather to hold off over the weekend so my parents can come visit.
Safe travels going home.
For our birth parents as they grieve their loss and transition to a new normal.
Monday, February 10, 2014
4 more Mondays
4 more Mondays! When I was teaching I would always count Mondays because that made it seem like so much less time. 5 Mondays till break seems better than 5 weeks, right? Right. Well, to me anyway :) Well, now that's a little scary! In an email from our agency I read the words "We are 30 days from M's due date so it's time to start preparing." I, of course, have been counting down since January, but in weeks, not days, so this made my heart skip a beat. 30 days. That's 4 Mondays (not including today) As far as preparing though....Timothy's things have been ready to go for a while now. This past weekend I went shopping for a few more essentials (diapers, bottles, formula, pacifiers, etc...) so we are pretty set. My goal is to keep up with laundry so the moment we get "the call" we can throw our things together and roll. Of course, there is a list of our essential items already made so we can just read instead of trying to think in the rush. And while it seems so close already, I am also reminded that myself and other faithful family members are praying for a healthy 2 weeks early delivery so we can make it to my brother in laws wedding. If God answers yes....15 days!!! Wow! So excited to meet this little guy! I promised a breakdown of the process so here's what I know...
Feb 11 (tomorrow)- Agency fees due. $19,000 (this goes between 2 agencies for reasons I will not disclose here)
Next week: complete Kentucky foster care education in order to respect the spirit of adoption in KY. Keep raising legal fees.
Wait for the call that M is in labor. Keep raising legal fees.
Get the call!
Frantically pack our bags, drop Josiah with family, pull out in tears because I cannot even imagine being away from him for 2 weeks (Lord, helps this momma's heart), drive to hospital in KY and hope we make it before he is born.
Approx 3 days later: leave hospital WITH TIMOTHY and drive 3 hours to the county where court will take place.
Hang out in hotel.
Approx 5 days later: judge signs off on adoption paperwork, making things temporarily official.
Still hanging out in hotel
Agency sends paperwork to another office (ICPC) in KY and MO for each state to approve.
Still waiting.....
Get approval call (because I'm trusting for no hiccups) and LEAVE KENTUCKY!
This process from birth to heading home takes approx. 2 weeks so prayers for quick court dates would be greatly appreciated.
6 months after placement: Finalize adoption here in MO and begin the wait for baby #3.
Feb 11 (tomorrow)- Agency fees due. $19,000 (this goes between 2 agencies for reasons I will not disclose here)
Next week: complete Kentucky foster care education in order to respect the spirit of adoption in KY. Keep raising legal fees.
Wait for the call that M is in labor. Keep raising legal fees.
Get the call!
Frantically pack our bags, drop Josiah with family, pull out in tears because I cannot even imagine being away from him for 2 weeks (Lord, helps this momma's heart), drive to hospital in KY and hope we make it before he is born.
Approx 3 days later: leave hospital WITH TIMOTHY and drive 3 hours to the county where court will take place.
Hang out in hotel.
Approx 5 days later: judge signs off on adoption paperwork, making things temporarily official.
Still hanging out in hotel
Agency sends paperwork to another office (ICPC) in KY and MO for each state to approve.
Still waiting.....
Get approval call (because I'm trusting for no hiccups) and LEAVE KENTUCKY!
This process from birth to heading home takes approx. 2 weeks so prayers for quick court dates would be greatly appreciated.
6 months after placement: Finalize adoption here in MO and begin the wait for baby #3.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
The t shirts are in!!
Thank you, thank you to all who ordered shirts! They are finally in and look great! Thanks to Crossroads Designs for doing such a great job!
My plan now is to take shirts to Kansas City this weekend. I will be at Graceway at 9:00 in the Portico area. If you don't attend or can't make it to Graceway I will be at Andy's parents house on Monday. Message me on Facebook for the address if you don't gave it :) If you plan to come by the house please text me your name first so I can have your shirt ready to go. 417-830-6673 if neither of these options work, we can make other arrangements one on one. Just let me know!
Springfield people, I will be home all day Thursday next week. Message me for my address if you want to swing by and text your name before you come. 417-830-6673.
Vine students, I will have your shirts NEXT Sunday....the 9th at Sunday School. You should be there :)
I will make deliveries the following week on Monday and Tuesday to people who cannot make it to me.
Make checks payable to me :)
Also, our gofundme account is still up and running if anyone wants to donate that way. We are so close to our needed amount!
http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
My plan now is to take shirts to Kansas City this weekend. I will be at Graceway at 9:00 in the Portico area. If you don't attend or can't make it to Graceway I will be at Andy's parents house on Monday. Message me on Facebook for the address if you don't gave it :) If you plan to come by the house please text me your name first so I can have your shirt ready to go. 417-830-6673 if neither of these options work, we can make other arrangements one on one. Just let me know!
Springfield people, I will be home all day Thursday next week. Message me for my address if you want to swing by and text your name before you come. 417-830-6673.
Vine students, I will have your shirts NEXT Sunday....the 9th at Sunday School. You should be there :)
I will make deliveries the following week on Monday and Tuesday to people who cannot make it to me.
Make checks payable to me :)
Also, our gofundme account is still up and running if anyone wants to donate that way. We are so close to our needed amount!
http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Monday, January 27, 2014
Meet the parents-Part 2
Whew! What a weekend! We woke early Saturday morning and began the 8 1/2 hour journey across multiple states toward Kentucky. It was a long drive, but uneventful, thank goodness! We were able to relax Saturday evening, check into our hotel, work out, have dinner, and get to sleep early. At this point I was just excited. I slept great Saturday night....unlike what I anticipated. Then I woke up. My stomach was in knots the entire morning. We were able to drive by the hospital where our son will be born, which was awesome. After that we drove to the restaurant where we met our social worker, V and M. My hands were shaking like crazy and my heart was beating so hard I swear I could hear it. We took a moment in the car to pray one last time for our meeting, then went in.
As soon as they arrived all those feelings of fear and anxiety washed away and I felt at peace, excited, and comfortable. Our conversation felt very familiar to me, which was odd considering I had never spoken with them before. We sat down to eat and immediately began talking. They shared with us all about their families, their reasons for choosing adoption, their desire for our son to know he is loved and thought of by them often, yet is a part of the Castro family. They told us about how he is progressing and growing and how they expect a healthy delivery. We discussed the hospital stay and they formally requested that he be placed in our care immediately. (Thank you for praying about that!) The hospital will even give us a room to stay in if they are not full! How awesome is that?! Conversation never lagged and they were very open and friendly. We discussed contact after birth which will include multiple conversations/texts/emails per week and a visit one or twice a year. They are very comfortable with their choice of adoption and with us as the family they chose. At this point it seems as though everything should go very smoothly in about 6 weeks when Timothy Adam makes his appearance :)
I will blog soon about the legal process and steps that will be taken when Timothy is born. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers! Also, we are much closer to the amount we need to complete this adoption! We are now working to raise the legal fees.
As soon as they arrived all those feelings of fear and anxiety washed away and I felt at peace, excited, and comfortable. Our conversation felt very familiar to me, which was odd considering I had never spoken with them before. We sat down to eat and immediately began talking. They shared with us all about their families, their reasons for choosing adoption, their desire for our son to know he is loved and thought of by them often, yet is a part of the Castro family. They told us about how he is progressing and growing and how they expect a healthy delivery. We discussed the hospital stay and they formally requested that he be placed in our care immediately. (Thank you for praying about that!) The hospital will even give us a room to stay in if they are not full! How awesome is that?! Conversation never lagged and they were very open and friendly. We discussed contact after birth which will include multiple conversations/texts/emails per week and a visit one or twice a year. They are very comfortable with their choice of adoption and with us as the family they chose. At this point it seems as though everything should go very smoothly in about 6 weeks when Timothy Adam makes his appearance :)
I will blog soon about the legal process and steps that will be taken when Timothy is born. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers! Also, we are much closer to the amount we need to complete this adoption! We are now working to raise the legal fees.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Meet the parents- Part 1
Eek!! This weekend Andy and I will FINALLY travel to Kentucky to meet our son's birth parents! When we scheduled this meeting it seemed so far away. It felt like I had to wait an eternity to sit with them face to face. Now it's here. On Sunday at 11AM we will sit across a table from them and simply talk. Our social worker will be with us. Thank goodness! She will facilitate conversation and make sure we discuss everything we need to as well as provide support for all of us.
Can I just say that I am beyond excited for this! This past summer Andy and I started praying for two very specific things in regards to our adoption. The first, that the birth family would desire an open adoption. The second, that the birth father would be involved. And The Lord answered both of these prayers with a resounding yes! Yes, you will be matched with a family who desires an open adoption. Yes, your child's birth father will be involved and supportive of the adoption. How awesome is God?! The number of birth fathers involved in planning an adoption is very small so this is a rare and exciting situation!
We would greatly appreciate prayer for this weekend.
1) Safe travels-it's an 8 1/2 hour drive
2) Connection with the birth family
3) Clarity for questions we have
4) Clarity for questions they have
5) Peace as we move forward with the next steps in this journey.
And another request unrelated to the weekend: prayers for the remaining funds would be great!
Can I just say that I am beyond excited for this! This past summer Andy and I started praying for two very specific things in regards to our adoption. The first, that the birth family would desire an open adoption. The second, that the birth father would be involved. And The Lord answered both of these prayers with a resounding yes! Yes, you will be matched with a family who desires an open adoption. Yes, your child's birth father will be involved and supportive of the adoption. How awesome is God?! The number of birth fathers involved in planning an adoption is very small so this is a rare and exciting situation!
We would greatly appreciate prayer for this weekend.
1) Safe travels-it's an 8 1/2 hour drive
2) Connection with the birth family
3) Clarity for questions we have
4) Clarity for questions they have
5) Peace as we move forward with the next steps in this journey.
And another request unrelated to the weekend: prayers for the remaining funds would be great!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Adoption brain
Time is this really strange thing to me right now. On one hand, I want these next 8 weeks to fly by. I want to meet my baby boy! Hold him, snuggle him, tell him how much I love him. On the other hand, there is SO much to do and I literally get this panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it all. And then I get even more panicked when I realize how much needs to be done that I simply cannot do until the moment it needs to happen. I know I said my words for the year were trust and release and while I am trying very very hard to do those things I would by lying if I said I was succeeding. Failing would be more like it. I find comfort in this: "Do not worry about tomorrow" says my God. I must frequently remind myself of my favorite verse and verse I have truly come to live by the past few years.
Philippians 4:8.
Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report. Think on these things.
It really does help to examine my life and the events in it with respect to the qualities of this verse. However, that does not mean that I have figured out how to keep my heart from racing or the sick feeling in my stomach to go away when I think on what's to come.
Lately I have begun to fear what's to come as much as anticipate it. Will I be able to provide enough (fill in the blank) for TWO children? Will Josiah reject me when I bring his brother home? Will I know how to handle him when he acts out as a result of feeling neglected? Am I doing what I can now to prepare his precious mind for what's to come? Can I really survive on little to no sleep? How is being away from my two year old for possibly 10 days going to affect him? Me?
And along with what's to come...in 2 weeks we will meet this precious boy's birth parents. What if they don't like us after we meet them? Will they change their minds? What do I say to them? How will this meeting go?
I am generally a pretty confident person. And I must say that as this adoption gets closer and closer I have found a whole new side of myself. A ridiculously vulnerable side of myself. If I being honest, I don't really like this side of myself. The other part of me wants to look in the mirror and say suck it up. You will be fine. God has prepared you for this. No one does it perfectly. You have a great support system. And the person in the mirror wants to say "I know, BUT...." All of these things are true. I know that I am ready. I know that The Lord will guide me through the next few months and give me all the grace I need. I know that He has blessed me with the most amazing support system. I know.
So basically, there is a constant dialogue happening in my head and it is beginning to exhaust me. I write this not to sound whiny or complain. I could not be more excited for this new little guy! My heart is so full and I frequently go into his room just to imagine his presence here and to pray for him. My arms ache for him, just like my arms ached to hold Josiah weeks before he got there. I tell you this to be honest. I tell you this so I can process on paper what is happening in my head! I tell you this so you can understand where I'm at and that if I forget to do something or stare at you blankly you can chalk it up to "adoption brain" and just shake me :)
My apologies for the randomness that is this blog. I know it is selfish, but I needed to get it down in words. Please know that I am truly thankful, I am blessed beyond measure, I am not depressed, I am just a little overwhelmed and it helps to write it all down :) Thank you all for reading my words and for the prayers I know you are praying.
Philippians 4:8.
Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report. Think on these things.
It really does help to examine my life and the events in it with respect to the qualities of this verse. However, that does not mean that I have figured out how to keep my heart from racing or the sick feeling in my stomach to go away when I think on what's to come.
Lately I have begun to fear what's to come as much as anticipate it. Will I be able to provide enough (fill in the blank) for TWO children? Will Josiah reject me when I bring his brother home? Will I know how to handle him when he acts out as a result of feeling neglected? Am I doing what I can now to prepare his precious mind for what's to come? Can I really survive on little to no sleep? How is being away from my two year old for possibly 10 days going to affect him? Me?
And along with what's to come...in 2 weeks we will meet this precious boy's birth parents. What if they don't like us after we meet them? Will they change their minds? What do I say to them? How will this meeting go?
I am generally a pretty confident person. And I must say that as this adoption gets closer and closer I have found a whole new side of myself. A ridiculously vulnerable side of myself. If I being honest, I don't really like this side of myself. The other part of me wants to look in the mirror and say suck it up. You will be fine. God has prepared you for this. No one does it perfectly. You have a great support system. And the person in the mirror wants to say "I know, BUT...." All of these things are true. I know that I am ready. I know that The Lord will guide me through the next few months and give me all the grace I need. I know that He has blessed me with the most amazing support system. I know.
So basically, there is a constant dialogue happening in my head and it is beginning to exhaust me. I write this not to sound whiny or complain. I could not be more excited for this new little guy! My heart is so full and I frequently go into his room just to imagine his presence here and to pray for him. My arms ache for him, just like my arms ached to hold Josiah weeks before he got there. I tell you this to be honest. I tell you this so I can process on paper what is happening in my head! I tell you this so you can understand where I'm at and that if I forget to do something or stare at you blankly you can chalk it up to "adoption brain" and just shake me :)
My apologies for the randomness that is this blog. I know it is selfish, but I needed to get it down in words. Please know that I am truly thankful, I am blessed beyond measure, I am not depressed, I am just a little overwhelmed and it helps to write it all down :) Thank you all for reading my words and for the prayers I know you are praying.
Friday, January 3, 2014
New Year, New Word?
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and Happy Happy New Year! I have sat down to write this blog a number of times over the past week, but the words never seem to come to me. Today I figured I would just start writing and see what happens, so my apologies in advance if this is discombobulated :) There are a variety of things I want to discuss. So many thoughts in my head. At times it overwhelmes me as I try to sort through them all. Do you ever feel that way? I have more to do lists than I can count and multiple note pads for different areas of my life just to keep myself straight!
As this new year begins I have been doing lots of reflecting and a lot if looking ahead. Many people make resolutions, but that has never really been my "thing." Others choose a word to live by for the year. This is something I have been seriously pondering the past several days. There are two words that come to mind frequently: trust and release. Really these two words go together, because in order to fully TRUST The Lord with my worries, I must RELEASE control. Not cool. I like being in control. I don't like surprises. They stress me out. A plan relaxes me. Full disclosure is calming. Knowing all possible outcomes and how to get from point A to point B brings me more joy than I care to admit.
So when I began dissecting the ins and outs of our adoption I discovered my plan was not perfect. Surprise surprise, right?
I can't put in plan in place for who Josiah will be with on which days. TRUST, RELEASE. He will be well cared for.
I can't plan out who will take Josiah on what day to KC for the wedding. TRUST, RELEASE. He will get there.
I can't book a hotel because I have no idea when "M" (birth mom) will go into labor. TRUST, RELEASE. There will be a room somewhere.
I can't plan for meals because I don't know if we will be able to get a room with capabilities to cook or heat anything. TRUST, RELEASE. You won't starve.
Mostly, I have no idea where we will get the last $4,000 needed 5 weeks from now, as my original
plan has not come to fruition. TRUST, RELEASE. The Lord will provide.
This list doesn't include so many other minor details, or even touch on life after baby, but it hits the big ones.
While I believe I need to trust my Lord, the bible tells me to with all my heart. I also believe in prayerfully doing my part to make things happen that need to. So, we are going through storage and deciding what we can sell to make a bit more cash. (See link below) T shirt orders are placed so we will be passing those out as soon as they come in. THANK YOU to all who ordered. Message me on Facebook with your address if you live somewhere besides KC or Springfield so I can mail yours once they come in. We also have a donation account set up for anyone who may want to be involved with adoption, but unable to bring a child into your home right now. (Also, see below).
I have researched hotels so I have an idea what's available.
I have talked to family members who are more than willing to care for Josiah while we are away.
So my words, for the next few months at least, are TRUST (in The Lord my God) and RELEASE control (to allow God to work His perfect plan)
What is your word or resolution?
http://springfield.craigslist.org/for/4270895421.html
http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
As this new year begins I have been doing lots of reflecting and a lot if looking ahead. Many people make resolutions, but that has never really been my "thing." Others choose a word to live by for the year. This is something I have been seriously pondering the past several days. There are two words that come to mind frequently: trust and release. Really these two words go together, because in order to fully TRUST The Lord with my worries, I must RELEASE control. Not cool. I like being in control. I don't like surprises. They stress me out. A plan relaxes me. Full disclosure is calming. Knowing all possible outcomes and how to get from point A to point B brings me more joy than I care to admit.
So when I began dissecting the ins and outs of our adoption I discovered my plan was not perfect. Surprise surprise, right?
I can't put in plan in place for who Josiah will be with on which days. TRUST, RELEASE. He will be well cared for.
I can't plan out who will take Josiah on what day to KC for the wedding. TRUST, RELEASE. He will get there.
I can't book a hotel because I have no idea when "M" (birth mom) will go into labor. TRUST, RELEASE. There will be a room somewhere.
I can't plan for meals because I don't know if we will be able to get a room with capabilities to cook or heat anything. TRUST, RELEASE. You won't starve.
Mostly, I have no idea where we will get the last $4,000 needed 5 weeks from now, as my original
plan has not come to fruition. TRUST, RELEASE. The Lord will provide.
This list doesn't include so many other minor details, or even touch on life after baby, but it hits the big ones.
While I believe I need to trust my Lord, the bible tells me to with all my heart. I also believe in prayerfully doing my part to make things happen that need to. So, we are going through storage and deciding what we can sell to make a bit more cash. (See link below) T shirt orders are placed so we will be passing those out as soon as they come in. THANK YOU to all who ordered. Message me on Facebook with your address if you live somewhere besides KC or Springfield so I can mail yours once they come in. We also have a donation account set up for anyone who may want to be involved with adoption, but unable to bring a child into your home right now. (Also, see below).
I have researched hotels so I have an idea what's available.
I have talked to family members who are more than willing to care for Josiah while we are away.
So my words, for the next few months at least, are TRUST (in The Lord my God) and RELEASE control (to allow God to work His perfect plan)
What is your word or resolution?
http://springfield.craigslist.org/for/4270895421.html
http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
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