It's been awhile...again.
I truly hope everyone reading this is doing wonderful! It seems as if 2017 has brought much heartache or many people and I pray the next half of the year is filled with good news, wonderful blessings and joy.
As I sit here on this Sunday evening, I am contemplative, nervous, excited, anxious, curious, hopeful, and many more emotions I can't seem to put words to. When this happens, I sit here on my couch with my computer and start typing. So here I am. Typing away and hoping I can express what's happening in this head and heart of mine!
Tomorrow morning I will sit down with oldest son. We will begin a new routine. A new rhythm. A new relationship. Tomorrow I will officially become his teacher. Home schooling is not something I had ever seriously considered doing. Before we had children Andy and I were actually pretty adamant that our kids would attend public schools. For many reasons, we felt this was the best choice. Then we had kids! Ha! As our lives have taken twists and turns, we have changed, grown and adapted the way we view many things in life. The way in which we school our children being one of those things. As the time came for us to consider Josiah's kindergarten experience, the idea of home schooling just kept coming to the forefront of our minds. It made sense. I'm a former teacher with a degree in Early Childhood Education. I know the expectations for children his age. Josiah loves to learn. He often asks to do school anyway. His compliance should make for a fairly smooth transition. (Much more went into this decision, but I feel those are more personal reasons to keep within our family)
So why am I awake at 11:00PM the night before his first day of school with a knot in my stomach and on the brink of tears? I'm not sending him off, out into the world. He probably won't even put shoes on tomorrow morning! It's symbolic. It's the fact that he is even old enough to be entering school. He has grown and changed and matured so much more that I ever imagined over the past 5 years. And it has flown by! How many things did I miss? What did I not commit to memory that I should have? Where did these 5 years go? I am so incredibly proud of this kid. My first born. My sensitive, sweet, loving, kind and joyful son. I am overwhelmed tonight by the love I have for him. My heart is flooded with memories from these first year and bursting with what the next could look like for him.
Selfishly, I am terrified and insecure. Can I do this? Will I teach him well enough? Will I prepare him for the day he does set foot inside an actual school? Can I keep the routine and structure needed to make this successful? Will this change our relationship? If so, will it change for the better? How will the effect Timothy? When we finally do get to bring a new little baby (or babies!) home, will I have what it takes to keep this venture going? What if I fail? There are many things in life I have felt nervous about, but I'm not sure I've ever feared failing as much as I fear failing my children.
BUT...I know that God has equipped me for this. In my head, I absolutely know that this is not all on me. HE will go before me, because HE has called me to this. He has given me a supportive husband who desires to be a part of this process. We walk this road together. God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. So it is with these traits I will go forward. I will claim HIS power, HIS love and allow HIM to give me a sound mind.
So here's to a great first year of school and new adventure for our family!
**PS: The boys have now started praying often for a new baby (and hopefully!) sister soon! Childlike faith putting me to shame.I know this post isn't really adoption related, but I thank you and continue to covet your prayers for a match soon! We are SO ready to grow our family!**
