It is what it is.
It's part of the process.
It's the "pregnant" part of adoption.
It's one step closer.
These are all things that can be said to relieve the frustration, but if I'm totally honest it's not enough anymore. My reliance on The Lord to sustain me in this has had to increase more than ever before.
Because...we may not get to bring her home. We know all to well the reality of this. As one year came and went from the time we should have been bringing home twins, this set in once more. Grief is a process I'm learning isn't a one track thing. You don't go through the steps and move on. They come and go. And anger is certainly an emotion that comes and goes for me in this journey.
Anger that we lost "our" babies.
Anger that the situation they went home to is not what I would want for them.
Anger that this entire process is long, exhausting and expensive.
Anger that we have had to be fingerprinted 5 times, when fingerprints don't change.
Anger that we have to be "approved" in order to parent.
BUT...this past weekend I was visiting my "home" church and we sang a song that I've heard many times. We sing it at our church in KC and it's always been great. However, this weekend it hit me differently. Apparently I wasn't the only one because when it was over, Pastor asked the band to play it again.
King of My Heart
Let the king of my heart be
The mountain when I run
The fountain I drink from, oh
He is my song
Let the king of my heart be
The shadow where I hide,
The ransom for my life, oh
He is my song
You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh
Let the king of my heart be
The wind beneath my sails,
The anchor in my waves, oh
He is my song
Let the king of my heart be
The fire inside my veins
And the echo of my days, oh
He is my song
Bridge:
You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down
As we sang this song, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't help but cry out to God. He will be the anchor in my waves, He will be the wind beneath my sails. He is GOOD and will NEVER let me down. It's in worship that I most often think of the twins. A lot of times I disconnect or redirect my thoughts because it hurts too much, but this time I let the words permeate and the Holy Spirit reminded me that not only will He never let ME down, but he will most certainly NEVER let THEM down. He loves them intensely and wholly. It was not my time to parent them, but he will always be their father and He is good.
Even when doubt fills my mind about this precious little girl growing in another momma's womb, I am reminded through the words of this song that my God is Good and will sustain whatever comes my way. As we prepare for our home visit tomorrow He will provide the emotional and mental strength to walk through this paperwork process (hopefully, just!) one more time. He has and will continue to provide the funds. He will affirm my ability to parent and love in the little moments each day with my boys. He will never let me down. He will give me what I need, each moment, to walk this path He has called us into and it will be WORTH IT!
This time of year can be hard for many. Those who have lost a friend, parent, or child, those who are hurting in hope of a sweet life that has yet to come, those who are suffering from a pay cut or loss of job, those who are lonely or suffering from illness or pain. Please find hope in knowing that our God is Good and He will "Never leave you, nor forsake you."
He is Good
He will never let us down.
r gonna let me downBb
