Adoption brain

Time is this really strange thing to me right now. On one hand, I want these next 8 weeks to fly by. I want to meet my baby boy! Hold him, snuggle him, tell him how much I love him. On the other hand, there is SO much to do and I literally get this panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it all. And then I get even more panicked when I realize how much needs to be done that I simply cannot do until the moment it needs to happen. I know I said my words for the year were trust and release and while I am trying very very hard to do those things I would by lying if I said I was succeeding. Failing would be more like it. I find comfort in this: "Do not worry about tomorrow" says my God. I must frequently remind myself of my favorite verse and verse I have truly come to live by the past few years.

Philippians 4:8.
Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report. Think on these things.

It really does help to examine my life and the events in it with respect to the qualities of this verse. However, that does not mean that I have figured out how to keep my heart from racing or the sick feeling in my stomach to go away when I think on what's to come.

Lately I have begun to fear what's to come as much as anticipate it. Will I be able to provide enough (fill in the blank) for TWO children? Will Josiah reject me when I bring his brother home? Will I know how to handle him when he acts out as a result of feeling neglected? Am I doing what I can now to prepare his precious mind for what's to come? Can I really survive on little to no sleep? How is being away from my two year old for possibly 10 days going to affect him? Me?

And along with what's to come...in 2 weeks we will meet this precious boy's birth parents. What if they don't like us after we meet them? Will they change their minds? What do I say to them? How will this meeting go?

I am generally a pretty confident person. And I must say that as this adoption gets closer and closer I have found a whole new side of myself. A ridiculously vulnerable side of myself. If I being honest, I don't really like this side of myself. The other part of me wants to look in the mirror and say suck it up. You will be fine. God has prepared you for this. No one does it perfectly. You have a great support system. And the person in the mirror wants to say "I know, BUT...." All of these things are true. I know that I am ready. I know that The Lord will guide me through the next few months and give me all the grace I need. I know that He has blessed me with the most amazing support system. I know.

So basically, there is a constant dialogue happening in my head and it is beginning to exhaust me. I write this not to sound whiny or complain. I could not be more excited for this new little guy! My heart is so full and I frequently go into his room just to imagine his presence here and to pray for him. My arms ache for him, just like my arms ached to hold Josiah weeks before he got there. I tell you this to be honest. I tell you this so I can process on paper what is happening in my head! I tell you this so you can understand where I'm at and that if I forget to do something or stare at you blankly you can chalk it up to "adoption brain" and just shake me :)

My apologies for the randomness that is this blog. I know it is selfish, but I needed to get it down in words. Please know that I am truly thankful, I am blessed beyond measure, I am not depressed, I am just a little overwhelmed and it helps to write it all down :) Thank you all for reading my words and for the prayers I know you are praying.