Grief is a funny thing. It hits you smack in the face when you least expect it. It comes and goes. It hurts and heals. There are stages-yes. But they look different for everyone. I've never really experienced loss in my life. My parents and both sets of grandparents are both living. I've never lost a close friend. I've never experienced a miscarriage or still birth of a child. I've had disappointments, but nothing extreme. It took a while to get pregnant with our oldest son, so there was grief with that each month, but also still hope because I was confident we would end up with a baby one way or another. We were in the adoption process at that time so I knew it was going to happen. Timothy's adoption went so smoothly from start to finish. "Typical" experiences navigating relationships and hospital time with his birth parents but placement and legal paperwork was standard and timely. We expected our second adoption to be the same.
When we were matched with the twins our family felt so complete. When we "lost" the twins it was terrible. I experienced a great deal of sadness, lots of denial until they were released from the hospital-but mostly anger. Anger toward God. Anger toward their mom. Anger toward the hospital social worker and attorney. Anger toward myself. If I could have just said one thing differently. If I could have just convinced her. If, if, if....Since then I've had waves of many emotions, but the primary one is anger.
This time it seems to be different. There's not much denial at this point. Maybe there is a small part of me that hopes she will change her mind once the baby is born, but honestly I don't see that happening. I've definitely had moments of anger, but not at anyone in particular. Just the situation. What I'm experiencing this time is overwhelming sadness. I miss this little girl. I looked at her ultrasound pictures on my fridge every single day. Her presence is missing from my home. The sadness comes and goes. I am still living wonderful moments with my family and soaking up new milestones my boys are reaching. I can function and even enjoy life. God is doing amazing things with my family, leading us in an exciting direction, and providing so much amazing community who have loved us immensely through this. But every once in a while, when I least expect it, the sadness overwhelms me.
I guess this is grief. It's unique to each person and each situation. It has taught me empathy in a way I've never been able to understand before. It reminds me of my emotions, when I want to shut them off and keeps me from becoming numb.
Thank you again, friends, for you love and kind words. And thank you for reading as I process through this grief. I wish I could offer something truly uplifting and inspiring. When words fail me as I pray these words fill my mind. "Be still and know that I am God." He will redeem this pain. He will make something beautiful from this. He is Good. He loves me and He loves those three babies more than I could ever comprehend. And for that I am grateful and have peace.
