I have a few more thoughts/ feelings from the past few days that I didn't write about yesterday but wanted to share. Sometimes it takes my brain longer to form words that go with my feelings than my heart does to make them. :)
First of all, the nurses at the hospital were so amazing! When you are in the middle of this unique situation it is easy to get frustrated or overwhelmed dealing with everything. They had to manage 2 sets of parents and a baby. Sometimes they didn't know exactly which room to go to and with their busy schedule I know this is inconvenient. I wish I could personally thank each of them! They were gracious, never showed frustration, loved on our little "peanut" as they nicknamed him, and were incredibly supportive of our family. A few asked genuine questions about adoption and our situation specifically, others just verbalized their support. It was truly incredible and I cannot express how their attitudes and care for us made the hospital stay so much better than expected. These few days had their own set of challenges as we made the transition of care for Timothy and all four parents shared in the joy of his presence. It's not typical...sharing your baby...but necessary, important, and crucial to open adoption in our case. While I know they won't see this I would like to thank these nurses from the bottom of my heart for their support and sensitivity!
Secondly, and maybe taboo, but I'll be honest anyway. I have seriously loved the past few days for so many reasons, but one that stands out is that I feel I have been able to truly experience this time with Timothy, rather than simply survive because I'm not recovering! My body and hormones aren't out of whack, I can work out, and I'm not on mind fuzzing medication. I can sit, walk, stand when and how I want, not fear the bathroom, and relax with my boy! I know this may sound selfish, but please bear with me. I do want to acknowledge that because I had the blessing of birthing our firstborn, I am not grieving a loss of infertility that others may. I do not say these things to diminish the reality of that pain. It is real and needs to be acknowledged. Attachment between mother and son when giving birth is natural. There is a familiarity from the beginning. With adoption, thus attachment needs to be nurtured and created intentionally. By having my mind and body in a stronger state than when I gave birth I feel I am better able to cultivate this attachment because I'm only focused on Timothy. I'm not having to think about taking care of myself in terms of healing or worry about all those pains associated with childbirth. (Since my audience is beyond mommies, I will stay vague, but those who have given birth and experienced some after birth healing complications know what I mean) I am so very thankful that I can focus all my attention on my newest little guy and nurture our bonding with purpose. In addition, I know my oldest is happy and very well cared for and not miserably missing us so I'm not torn with worry of his well being. (Though I miss him terribly and tear up when I hear him chatting away in the background when talking with family)
Last, but most importantly, I am so amazed at the tiny details God has answered! From Timothy's birth weigh to the time if birth and much more. I am humbled that He would love me enough to answer my tiny specific prayers so perfectly. I am thankful for the reminder that He cares for me like a Father cares for His child. He is faithful and I am undeserving of His great and wonderful love.
For now, we wait for a court date and pray for safe travels for my parents as they come visit this weekend. Thank you all for listening to my story :)
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