How are you doing?
This is a question I've been asked many times over the past few weeks. One I'm honestly not quite sure how to answer anymore. It's difficult to explain adoption loss. I've never experienced the loss of a biological child and most people have a way of understand the loss of a birth mother when she chooses to place her child. Many will say these precious babies were never mine to begin with. How can you love someone you've never met? They BELONG with their mother. I'm not here to argue these statements, but would love to share my heart as an adoptive mom who is grieving a "disrupted adoption."
When we were still in "limbo" as I've titled our time between learning the babies were born and learning that our birth mother had, in fact, gone to get them. There are many details that I would like to share in order to fully explain the depth of what this past month has been like. During the weeks the twins were in the NICU communication with our birth mother was intermittent and it was hard to come by solid facts as to their condition and how often they were visited. In my heart, those sweet babies were my children. Every single day I thought about them, prayed for them, cried out to The Lord that they would be safe, that the nurses would give them a little extra love, that He would make them feel safe and loved. My heart broke that these tiny, precious lives didn't have their mommy to hold them, stroke their backs and hands, sing them songs, comfort them when they cried. I didn't know, and still do not, what that time was like for them. BUT, there was hope. Hope that 20 little fingers, 20 little toes, 4 beautiful eyes, 4 tiny feet, 4 precious hands, 2 miraculous babies would be coming home. Guardedly, I allowed myself to picture our family of four, become a family of six. Thanksgiving was going to be crazy, loud and exhausting with 4 children 4 and under hanging around :) And it was going to be beautiful to have my family complete. From the moment we got "the call" I started dreaming of life with them. I also started dreaming of life FOR them. A life where they were loved by many, safe, protected, had family, friends, a church, and were introduced to Jesus. A life where they would know the love of two mothers: the one who gave them life and the one they lived life with. Would they be athletic? Musical? Spunky? Quiet? Comedic? Dramatic? Rule followers or line pushers?
So, during "limbo" when people asked me "How are you doing?" I could answer honestly with "I'm doing ok. It's not over till it's over, and it's not over yet." I had hope.
Now, I'm not so sure how to answer. I still don't know how the twins are doing. I spoke with their mom one time after she brought them home and did not get much information about how they were doing as it was a pretty short conversation. Doing my best to hold it together after she told me she had gone to get them, I ended the conversation pretty quickly. Not knowing is terrible. I still love them. A part of me always will. They were put in my life to cover in prayer, so that is what I will do. I may never know how their lives turn out and I'm working on being ok with that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. My heart aches at their absence. What I would give to be exhausted because two infants are up all night. What I would give to snuggle them up. To feel their baby skin on my cheek, to have my nose tickled by little baby hairs. To "wear" two babies in a moby wrap, while putting Timothy in a cart and letting Josiah stand on the back while I grocery shop. To haul them into church every Sunday and hope to make it through worship before one of them wakes up. I feel as if a piece of my heart is with two little people I will never meet and I miss them every moment. Life goes on though. I have two adorable little boys to mother, a husband who needs his wife, a house to keep, bills to pay, life to live. God is so good in giving me grace to do these things. He sustains me when I am weak with grief. He sends me reminders just when I need them of how His hand is in this. He is with me in my pain, with the babies as they grow, with their mom as she (hopefully!) learns how to parent. I have said through this past month that God is bigger and He most definitely is.
2 Cor. 12:9- "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness"
I can say with absolute certainty that I have never felt more weak in my entire life than I have over the past month. No control. No plan. Nothing. And I can say with absolute certainty that HIS grace is sufficient. So while my heart hurts and at times I am more angry than I have been my entire life, HE holds me up. HE sustains me. He give me GRACE beyond measure.
So, if you ask me this question I may stumble over my answer. My eyes may fill with tears. I may say I'm fine. I'm good. I'm alright....It depends on the moment. But know this: God is good. God is faithful.
