How are you doing?

How are you doing?

This is a question I've been asked many times over the past few weeks. One I'm honestly not quite sure how to answer anymore. It's difficult to explain adoption loss. I've never experienced the loss of a biological child and most people have a way of understand the loss of a birth mother when she chooses to place her child. Many will say these precious babies were never mine to begin with. How can you love someone you've never met? They BELONG with their mother. I'm not here to argue these statements, but would love to share my heart as an adoptive mom who is grieving a "disrupted adoption."

When we were still in "limbo" as I've titled our time between learning the babies were born and learning that our birth mother had, in fact, gone to get them. There are many details that I would like to share in order to fully explain the depth of what this past month has been like. During the weeks the twins were in the NICU communication with our birth mother was intermittent and it was hard to come by solid facts as to their condition and how often they were visited. In my heart, those sweet babies were my children. Every single day I thought about them, prayed for them, cried out to The Lord that they would be safe, that the nurses would give them a little extra love, that He would make them feel safe and loved. My heart broke that these tiny, precious lives didn't have their mommy to hold them, stroke their backs and hands, sing them songs, comfort them when they cried. I didn't know, and still do not, what that time was like for them. BUT, there was hope. Hope that 20 little fingers, 20 little toes, 4 beautiful eyes, 4 tiny feet, 4 precious hands, 2 miraculous babies would be coming home. Guardedly, I allowed myself to picture our family of four, become a family of six. Thanksgiving was going to be crazy, loud and exhausting with 4 children 4 and under hanging around :) And it was going to be beautiful to have my family complete. From the moment we got "the call" I started dreaming of life with them. I also started dreaming of life FOR them. A life where they were loved by many, safe, protected, had family, friends, a church, and were introduced to Jesus. A life where they would know the love of two mothers: the one who gave them life and the one they lived life with. Would they be athletic? Musical? Spunky? Quiet? Comedic? Dramatic? Rule followers or line pushers?

So, during "limbo" when people asked me "How are you doing?" I could answer honestly with "I'm doing ok. It's not over till it's over, and it's not over yet." I had hope.

Now, I'm not so sure how to answer. I still don't know how the twins are doing. I spoke with their mom one time after she brought them home and did not get much information about how they were doing as it was a pretty short conversation. Doing my best to hold it together after she told me she had gone to get them, I ended the conversation pretty quickly. Not knowing is terrible. I still love them. A part of me always will. They were put in my life to cover in prayer, so that is what I will do. I may never know how their lives turn out and I'm working on being ok with that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. My heart aches at their absence. What I would give to be exhausted because two infants are up all night. What I would give to snuggle them up. To feel their baby skin on my cheek, to have my nose tickled by little baby hairs. To "wear" two babies in a moby wrap, while putting Timothy in a cart and letting Josiah stand on the back while I grocery shop. To haul them into church every Sunday and hope to make it through worship before one of them wakes up. I feel as if a piece of my heart is with two little people I will never meet and I miss them every moment. Life goes on though. I have two adorable little boys to mother, a husband who needs his wife, a house to keep, bills to pay, life to live. God is so good in giving me grace to do these things. He sustains me when I am weak with grief. He sends me reminders just when I need them of how His hand is in this. He is with me in my pain, with the babies as they grow, with their mom as she (hopefully!) learns how to parent. I have said through this past month that God is bigger and He most definitely is.

2 Cor. 12:9- "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness"

I can say with absolute certainty that I have never felt more weak in my entire life than I have over the past month. No control. No plan. Nothing. And I can say with absolute certainty that HIS grace is sufficient. So while my heart hurts and at times I am more angry than I have been my entire life, HE holds me up. HE sustains me. He give me GRACE beyond measure.

So, if you ask me this question I may stumble over my answer. My eyes may fill with tears. I may say I'm fine. I'm good. I'm alright....It depends on the moment. But know this: God is good. God is faithful.

Double Blessings

I have had 3 dreams over the past few months in which we are handed twin girls. We've joked about the possibility. How fun that would be. How crazy that would be. But in the back of my mind I knew that the chances of twins was slim. Not many twins are placed for adoption each year so the odds were not in favor of our being matched with multiples and I really thought we would just be getting one baby.

Last Wednesday on my way to take Andy lunch my phone rang. It was Andy and I figured he was just checking to see how close I was because he was hungry! Wrong! He told me he had just spoken with our agency and had been chosen by a birth mother. Expecting twins. Due in about 6 weeks!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!! We quickly made arrangements to talk to this birth mother and after speaking for over an hour mutually decided to move forward with our match. On Friday we received all paperwork from our agency, began process for retaining an attorney in her state, and started researching new cars to fit our whole family!

So here's the situation:

Twins
Due Nov 12 (will probably come sooner)
Will be born in Atlanta, GA area
Do not know gender
Expected to stay in Atlanta area for about a week after leaving the hospital with babies
Not expected to have birth father issues

In addition:

God answered my prayers for a match before the end of the year!
We had not had time to make a video yet and this was stressing me out so I am SO thankful He took care of that detail!!
This due date does not interfere with any major family events (woo hoo!!!)
We have an amazing attorney in GA
We have friends in Atlanta as well as very close friends just 3 hours away

Please be in prayer for:

The twins health: that they weigh enough, lungs are developed & kidneys functioning properly
That the babies don't come more than 3 weeks early
The birth mother's health and peace of mind
For support for our birth mother (emotional, physical, spiritual...she is very alone in life)
For connections in Atlanta
Wisdom as we search out a new vehicle
Finances as we prep for 2 babies instead of 1
Our boys as we prepare them for this immense change
Our families as they care for our boys while we are away
Smooth transition

**If you would like to contribute to our adoption fund, find the link below**

https://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption

Mother's Day

I find that each year on this day I become more and more reflective and emotional. The Lord has blessed me with such amazing women to honor as mothers and I am unbelievably grateful for that blessing. So bear with me as I share my thoughts with you about these fantastic women.

For 3 years now I have also had the privilege of being a mother myself, and the weight of that is not lost on me. My children are such a source of joy every single day. Tiring? Yes. Trying? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. But oh the fun we have! The giggles. The hugs. The playfulness. The love. The innocence. The hope. The JOY! My heart could burst as I think of those sweet boys sleeping (or rather, playing at this moment) upstairs. I have the absolute best job in the entire world and wouldn't change it for anything! This day also causes me to evaluate how I am doing with this job. Am I training them to be kind, loving, compassionate boys who know how much Jesus loves them? Am I raising them to be men of God who will impact the world in an amazing way? I cannot forget the end goal. The day to day can get redundant, but it's the small moments in the day in and out that add up to creating men who will use their lives for The Lord.

I also have those moments thinking on my relationship with my own mother and how I hope to nurture that same relationship with my own children. Her wisdom, patience, kindness, attentiveness, compassion and love overflows and I pray I can emulate those qualities. I had the privilege of living in the same town as her for several years before moving away and could drive across town for a quick lunch hour and catch up or run errands on a random Saturday. I took for granted that proximity and have often felt an overwhelming sense of sadness over the past few months since moving away that I am unable to just make a quick drive across town for some face to face time with this amazing woman. Words cannot express how thankful I am that she and my dad were able to be with us for Mother's Day this year. Though the trip was short, there is nothing like a mom's hug and encouragement.

There is an amazing woman who lives just 3 minutes from my driveway. My mother-in-love is the best! Her giving, selfless spirit and genuine desire to know me, my heart and my family is overwhelming. I often hear people complain about their mom-in-law and am so very grateful for our relationship.  Her unconditional love and willingness to always help out in whatever way she can is rare and refreshing and does not go unnoticed. In this transition to KC, she has gone out of her way to make me feel at home and ease the difficulties of transitioning into a "new" city. I am one blessed daughter-in-law.

I am also blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, who I can call any time for any reason and she will stop and talk with me. I cherish the times we have together, though not as often any more. Living in town, I frequently stopped by their home to walk their neighborhood or for lunch and ended up talking for hours sometimes. She is one of the most selfless people I know, bending over backwards to help anyone in our family. She spends countless hours choosing the perfect card or the perfect gift to give. Her thoughtfulness, love and desire to provide for our family is astounding and worth aspiring to. I only hope that I can show that same love to the generations to come from my own little family.

Lastly, my thoughts drift often on this day to Timothy's birth mother. Her choosing adoption for him was difficult and heartbreaking. The pain she felt in placing him in my arms before leaving the hospital was very real. She cared for him for 9 months as he grew, felt his kicks and saw his first pictures on the ultrasound. I am forever grateful to her for loving him enough to place him with us.

I guess if I'm being honest, she isn't my last thought. There is another woman who has crossed my mind many times this weekend. She is birth mother of our future child (ren). Where is she? What must she be going through right now? Is she afraid? Does she have support? Does she know she is loved?

I am thankful for each of these women and the enormous impact they have on my life. So, Happy Mother's Day!

THE list

Deep breath. Release. Repeat. Here we go again!

We are officially back on "The List!" As of today our website is back up and we can be found by birthmother's (and father's) through Lifetime.com. Wooo! Our profile is under review and as soon as we get the word I will print 50...yes 50 of these works of art to send to our coordinator. They will then pass our profile along to birth families whose criteria we meet and vice verse. I've had a few people ask what a profile is exactly so I thought I'd explain that a little bit.

A profile is essentially a scrap book of our family. It includes pages about Andy and I individually, our home, our family, things we enjoy, a letter to potential birth mothers, lots and lots of pictures. The goal is to give birth mothers a glimpse into our lives and what life would be like for her child.

So as we move forward we will not know when we are being presented to birth families, we just have to be available for THAT moment when a birth mom wants to talk to us.

I learned a very valuable lesson with Timothy's adoption. Pray specifically. Oh my, how The Lord came through with those VERY specific requests. Things prayed, but didn't even really expect to see and yet, HE provided. So I am trusting, once again, that HIS timing and details are perfect while also praying for the desires I have currently.

1) A healthy baby and mom.

2) A match near KC. Whether that's through a friend or via our profile/website. OR a match near family or close friends where we could potentially stay with someone we know for all or part of our time waiting for ICPC to come through.

3) A girl. I would love to balance out this house a little bit! BUT if The Lord blesses us with a 3rd baby boy I will be thrilled!

4) A match before the end of 2015. This might seem ambitious, but this process is stressful. The end is the best because we get to snuggle a little one and bring a sibling to our boys and THAT is the part I am already SO ready for!

5) Birth father involvement or consent.

The countdown begins....again.

6 WEEKS! What?! I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that 6 weeks from now we will be seen by birth mothers (and hopefully fathers!) again! We are SO close to adding another little to the Castro clan! I'm feeling excited, nervous, joyful, hopeful and terrified. Between now and then I've got a pretty decent "to do" list to complete, but I'm focused and ready to get it done! The main two items are creating and assembling  a new profile and make a new video for our website. The place we are working with currently operates a little different than an agency. I'm a little nervous about how things will look once we are matched, but open adoption is so encouraged through this place that I'm hopeful for a smooth process! We learned a lot going through the court experience with Timothy that we are a bit more prepared this time around. Whew!

To be honest, I'm very hopeful that we can be "matched" with someone locally through a friend who can utilize the birth mother services of Lifetime. Lifetime is so sensitive to birth mothers, offering a wonderful care package, 24-7 availability to talk, scholarship opportunities if she wants to continue her education, etc. every birth mother is different in her wants, needs, focus, support and reasons for choosing adoption. Whatever the reason, she chose life for her baby and I love the support available to her.

So, as we dive into growing our family again, I ask that you join us in prayer. For our baby (or babies-twins is an option!), for our birth parents, for birth father involvement in a positive way,  for a birth location nearby us or someone we can stay with to limit travel expenses. If we are out of state we have to stay for approx 2 weeks (17 days with Timothy) so this would be very helpful.

*Many of you joined us in praying VERY specifically for Timothy and the circumstances surrounding his adoption and The Lord revealed himself to me in a huge way during that time, showing me how much He truly cares for the details. I am trusting Him again with the details as they are very much beyond my control!*

If you want to be a part of our adoption in a more tangible way we are offering a new T shirt design and have a goal of selling 50. Email me at cmarie9301@yahoo.com for pictures or check it out on my Facebook page. We will also be hosting another garage sale late spring so keep an eye out so you can check out our goodies or if we can take anything off your hands as you Spring clean! (It will be a few more weeks before we collect for this) We are also still accepting donations through gofundme at http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption

Thank you all for your love, support, encouraging words and prayers as we enter thus journey once again!

A new endeavor

This post may seem a bit off topic from adoption, but I promise it ties together :)

Over this past year I have learned a lot about myself. How I manage stress, how to identify my emotions, to actually allow myself to feel. For a long time now I have managed to stifle my emotions under the umbrella of being sober minded. In my attempt to always take a step back and evaluate a situation I didn't ever truly address what I was feeling. Instead I ate chocolate :) Who can relate?! I've learned that this is probably not the best way to deal, right? I need to allow myself to feel, work through those feelings, AND measure the situation with biblical mindset. Being sober minded doesn't mean just sweeping my emotion under the rug, as I have been operating. As I stated earlier however, I didn't really sweep them, I ate them. It was a stressful year from day 1 with lots of changes and lots of chocolate.

My goals for this year included balance and consistency. Balance in life, consistency in time spent on my relationship with The Lord, balance between being a wife, mom, friend, daughter, grand daughter. Part of that balance also includes actively contributing financially to my family. Which brings me to the next part of my goal: balance and consistency with making healthy food choices and exercise. While these things are a work in progress, I have made great strides in many areas. However, getting healthy has been one of my greatest challenges. This verse has been stuck in my mind  a lot over the past few weeks:

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit..."

I need to be taking good care of this body I have been given.

My tendency is to eat well throughout the week then completely binge on the weekends and undo all my efforts. Recently I made the decision to become a coach with Beachbody. Originally I joined this team as a form of accountability. A support group of sorts. What I have discovered, however, is that my being a coach goes far beyond this original goal and can actually help accomplish the balance and consistency I'm working toward in 2015. With a focus of helping others achieve theirs goals of getting healthy and fit, while walking that journey myself requires time, which requires balance and focus as well as my own consistency.  I get to financially contribute to my family, while focusing on my own health and fitness goals as well as walk alongside others (maybe you?!) as they work toward a better/healthier life. I'm super excited about this endeavor! How I can help myself, others, AND contribute to our  adoption fund by growing this business.  If you use Beachbody programs/products but do not have a coach, I would LOVE to join your journey with you. If you have considered the craziness of  PIYO, T25, Insanity or P90X but haven't made the jump or want to try out the super yummy and crazy healthy Shakeology (I drink it every day!) hit me up! Together we can figure out what works best for you!

I strongly believe my "job" is to be home with my boys, but I need to have a "job" that makes a little money for our adoption. This is the best of both worlds for me!

What a year!

Wow. Has it really been a year already?! It just doesn't even seem possible and what a year it's been! On February 21, 2014 my phone rang and everything changed. Timothy was on his way and I went into crazy mode packing, making phone calls, praying, and trying to calm my heart. After a few days in the hospital, 2 weeks in a hotel, a visit from my parents, a visit from my grandparents, and reuniting with Josiah we finally got to head home. 3 days later we loaded up again as a family of 4 for a family wedding where we hot to introduce Timothy to everyone!! He was quite a trooper. Fantastic traveler and great infant sleeper. Over the course of the following 12 months our family made some HUGE changes. We had 2 post placement visits with our agency. Andy made the decision to go into full time minstry. A few months later this came to fruition with the offer of a pastor position at his home church, Graceway, in Kansas City. So we put our house on the market, accepted an offer soon after, packed up and moved to Kansas City. We temporarily stayed with both of our parents during this time as we went back and forth finalizing the sale of our home, moved into our new house, started a small group, started a leadership group (both of which meet in our home), and tried to settle in to our new normal. Not quite 3 weeks after we moved in we needed to update our homestudy and have another post placement check in, which included a visit from our social worker,  more money, and making sure our house was ready/safe. We also did an interview with a local news station focusing on adoption and the cost involved. They were so kind to talk with us and share our story. Then we entered the holiday season: Thanksgiving, Christmas tree decorating, visiting Santa, tamale making...busy time! On top of the normal busyness, In December Andy took on some new responsibilities at work, making things pretty crazy for a while. After the first of the year we began gearing up for Timothy's final court date. This meant a 4th post placement visit in Springfield, more checks to the attorney, and of course, new outfits! :)

FINALLY......on February 27 when Timothy was 1 year 5 days old a judge declared his adoption final and we were OFFICIALLY his parents!!!! Oh the joy! I wish I could explain this day. That morning I literally couldn't eat I was so nervous. On the way to the courthouse my heart was beating out of my
chest. I felt like I was in labor again, reminding myself to breathe! Even though I knew Timothy was ours and everything was in place, I couldn't help but be nervous. What if we had missed a step? What if the judge wanted to see more? What if the guardian ad litem didn't approve of us? There was always this looming weight. Such a heavy weight, that I can only describe as stifling. I don't think I even realized it was there until everything was declared official. What if I had unintentionally said or done something wrong? Could my baby boy still be taken from me? Oh, how my heart and mind raced. I think I cried tears of joy and relief 3 times before we got home that day. Even writing this, my heart is racing and tears fill my eyes.

This journey of adoption is lifelong. We have an ongoing relationship with Timothy's birth parents that has been interesting to navigate this past year, and will continue to streach and grow us the rest of our lives. This experience of open adoption has taught me grace and love beyond what I knew possible.

While it is such a freeing feeling and a wonderful to have this chapter of the story closed, we are now beginning the next chapter of the next adoption book! It's time to take a deep breath and dive in again. It's time to make a new profile, a new video, and begin fervently praying for baby #3!

If you would like to be a part of our next adoption please use the link below.  Thankfully we have been able to fund the majority of this adoption already and now just need about $7,000 for legal fees and potential travel. We covet your prayers as God writes the book of our third baby. For her (I just have a feeling!), for her birth mother and father, for our boys, for our family, for our marriage, for our ministry. The emotions of adoption are deep, intense, constant and worth it.

http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption


Next blog: my new adventure to getting healthy for my family  and helping others do the same!