He is GOOD

The past couple of weeks have had me emotionally all over the place. We are in the midst of updating our home study...for the 5th time (not including addendums). While this may seem exciting because we are preparing to bring home our baby girl it has become a bit of a struggle for me.

It is what it is.
It's part of the process.
It's the "pregnant" part of adoption.
It's one step closer.

These are all things that can be said to relieve the frustration, but if I'm totally honest it's not enough anymore. My reliance on The Lord to sustain me in this has had to increase more than ever before.

Because...we may not get to bring her home. We know all to well the reality of this. As one year came and went from the time we should have been bringing home twins, this set in once more. Grief is a process I'm learning isn't a one track thing. You don't go through the steps and move on. They come and go. And anger is certainly an emotion that comes and goes for me in this journey.

Anger that we lost "our" babies.
Anger that the situation they went home to is not what I would want for them.
Anger that this entire process is long, exhausting and expensive.
Anger that we have had to be fingerprinted 5 times, when fingerprints don't change.
Anger that we have to be "approved" in order to parent.

BUT...this past weekend I was visiting my "home" church and we sang a song that I've heard many times. We sing it at our church in KC and it's always been great. However, this weekend it hit me differently. Apparently I wasn't the only one because when it was over, Pastor asked the band to play it again.

King of My Heart

Let the king of my heart be
The mountain when I run
The fountain I drink from, oh
He is my song

Let the king of my heart be
The shadow where I hide,
The ransom for my life, oh
He is my song

You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh

Let the king of my heart be
The wind beneath my sails,
The anchor in my waves, oh
He is my song

Let the king of my heart be
The fire inside my veins
And the echo of my days, oh
He is my song

Bridge:

You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down

As we sang this song, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't help but cry out to God. He will be the anchor in my waves, He will be the wind beneath my sails. He is GOOD and will NEVER let me down. It's in worship that I most often think of the twins. A lot of times I disconnect or redirect my thoughts because it hurts too much, but this time I let the words permeate and the Holy Spirit reminded me that not only will He never let ME down, but he will most certainly NEVER let THEM down. He loves them intensely and wholly. It was not my time to parent them, but he will always be their father and He is good.

Even when doubt fills my mind about this precious little girl growing in another momma's womb, I am reminded through the words of this song that my God is Good and will sustain whatever comes my way. As we prepare for our home visit tomorrow He will provide the emotional and mental strength to walk through this paperwork process (hopefully, just!) one more time. He has and will continue to provide the funds. He will affirm my ability to parent and love in the little moments each day with my boys. He will never let me down. He will give me what I need, each moment, to walk this path He has called us into and it will be WORTH IT!

This time of year can be hard for many. Those who have lost a friend, parent, or child, those who are hurting in hope of a sweet life that has yet to come, those who are suffering from a pay cut or loss of job, those who are lonely or suffering from illness or pain. Please find hope in knowing that our God is Good and He will "Never leave you, nor forsake you."

He is Good
He will never let us down.

r gonna let me downBb

Hope

Whew! It's been a while :) I feel like I start every blog entry with something along those lines! Consistency is not my strong suit with this blog, but I do want to get some thoughts and feelings down every once in a while and hopefully encourage a few of you along the way!

Life has been a series of crazy events the past few months and it's been a little hard to keep up! To recap: 

Andy left his job, started a new job, we left our church, joined a new church, jumped into the world of church planting, sold our house, moved in with my in-laws for 2 months, bought a new (super old!) house, renovated said house and finally moved in this past weekend! Goodness! 

In the midst of all of this we also got "the call!" We had a birth mother interested in us! After getting some info that afternoon, we spoke with H (as I will call her here) that evening. The amount of peace that swelled up within Andy and I was amazing. She is such a sweet girl and when I talk with her I feel like I'm talking to my little sister. We text often and are looking forward to meeting face to face....NEXT WEEK!

That's right! Next Sunday we will travel to her hometown, 8 hours away, and spend the evening with her. Monday we will go to her ultrasound with her! Yes! We get to see our baby girl and hear her heart beat in person! I can't wait! 

The devil has this was of ruining some of these joy filled moments though, doesn't he? He tries to steal our joy by allowing fear, insecurity, pain, worry, anxiety, etc creep in and overwhelm our hearts and minds. It's a battle sometimes, to fight those negative thoughts and keep them at bay. Despite having had a disrupted adoption a year ago, I am daily, sometimes hourly, choosing joy and HOPE. I had a friend remind me at the beginning of this journey that we have a God of hope. We have a responsibility to choose to hope in the sovereignty of The Lord! And HE has been incredible in providing peace, joy and HOPE theses past few weeks. There are many weeks to go until baby girl makes her appearance in March and I know there will be moments of fear, days of worry, times where anxiety and doubt creep in. But I also know that my God is bigger. His plan is perfect and He will see us through this, no matter how things end up.

So throughout this journey, I will choose hope. 

Spirit lead me

Wait.
Be still.
Wait.
Pray.
Wait.
Praise.
Wait.

So. much. waiting.

When Andy and I make a decision about where we are going in life and what we are doing we tend to want to execute that plan immediately. We are not good at holding in the reigns and being patient. When we decided that we would grow our family through adoption, I jumped online and began researching agencies right away. I found a reputable agency in our area that would allow us to apply before I reached age 25. At that time there were not many that allowed this so I was super excited. Then we, idealistically, thought we would be matched quickly and begin our journey as parents. "Wait," said God. Wait 3 years. (While we did not have to wait 3 years to become parents, we did have to wait 3 years to be chosen and watch our sweet Timothy enter this world) Then we thought in 6 months we could finalize and a judge would declare him our son forever. "Wait," again. For 1 year I lived without that declaration. We know our family isn't complete, and have continued to WAIT again for a birth mother and/or father to choose us. HIS timing is perfect, but that does not change the fact that the heart aches for it's desires.

Months ago, when The Lord planted the idea of starting a church in our hearts we were excited, scared and anxious to begin that journey. However, we had no idea how that would look. Where will we be trained? Will we have to raise support? Will we have to move cities? States? When can we start? "Wait," said the Lord. Again. So we waited. For months we waited. Then, in this short period of 48 hours God said "Here you go! Here's your opportunity! Here's the door you need to walk through. Now will you follow? Will you sacrifice?"So we walked. And in a matter of days Andy had accepted the position that had been offered to him, informed the leadership at church of the decision, made an exit plan, decided to downsize in order to make this all work, found a house (again, thank you Jesus!) and made a verbal desire with the seller (who is a friend who lives in Latin American as a missionary and just "happens" to be stateside, here in KC right now), began sorting through what we will keep and what we will sell and listed our house. All so we can wait. AGAIN! I'm guess there's a lesson I need to learn here :) Ha! We need to wait for our house to sell before we can execute the purchase of our friend's house.

My desire to control goes into overdrive in times like this. Short time frame. Sense of urgency. I have to TRUST. So The Lord keeps frequently bringing to mind the words "Wait. Be Still. Know that I am God." Oh, what peace comes from that last part. I cannot even begin to tell you how confident I am that this transition is ordained by God and we are walking the exact path He desires us to be on right now. There is an old hymn that says "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." Oh how true this is! I could spend lots of words explaining all of the "coincidences" that have occurred, but that would be excessive. To see God reveal Himself and His plan so clearly has been very cool to experience. However, I still wonder. I still question. The desire I have to control things is overwhelming at times and I find myself frequently repeating those words to myself "Be Still." Something I don't do well.

While we walk this path of church plant training, starting a church, seeking another adoption match, selling our home, moving into our new one I will strive to choose every moment of every day to trust in Jesus. But I am far from perfect, so I may need a reminder every now and then!

About 9 months ago, when were walking through the disruption of the twins adoption I sang these words with my whole, prayerful heart. I believed at that time (and still believe it's part of it) that those words were related to the wonderfully terrifying world of adoption. Now I think it's more than that...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
WHEREVER YOU MAY CALL ME
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
That my faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.

Is adoption really our calling?

I haven't written any updates in a while. Mostly because there hasn't been much to update on. In general life is pretty hectic, but we are having fun and pressing on towards the goals we believe God has given us.

Obviously, adoption is one of those goals! I have to be honest; after the disruption of our twins adoption I began to question if this was really the case for us. Is this really what God wants us to be pursuing? Maybe we are supposed to be involved in another way? I actually asked the "If God is truly good..." question. There has been a lot of soul searching, praying, questioning, crying, wondering, maybe even a little yelling and an occasional pity party. But at the end of the day, this calling is clear.

There are birth mothers who are in a myriad of situations all over this country. These brave women are making one of the hardest decisions of their life, out of LOVE for the life growing inside them. Sometimes they have a support system of friends or family who love them through this decision. Sometimes they are completely alone. Either way, they have chosen LIFE for their baby. For whatever reasons they choose to place their baby, it's not an easy decision. Our job is to show love to these ladies, no matter their circumstances. No matter the pain we experience by choosing to love them. I mean, how many times do we hurt Jesus, yet he loves us...unconditionally. The bible says "By this shall all me know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Love. I can't say I'm always good at this, but The Lord is working on me :) At the end of the day if I speak with a birth mother she should (and hopefully does!) feel exactly that from me.

And these women, who have every right in the world to CHOOSE to place their babies, are going to birth precious, innocent little ones who need parents to love them unconditionally. To provide a home full of safety, security, love, and hope. Hopefully a family who will do what they can to cultivate a healthy relationship between child and birth parents.

There are couples, like ours, who have a great desire to grow their family. Some because they cannot have biological children, some because they simply desire to adopt. Either way, the extreme love they (we) have for these momma's and their babies is intense. And in the end we all want these children to grow up knowing and experiencing this love first hand.

This is enough for me to know that we have been called to grow our family through adoption. The ups and downs, the weight of waiting day in and out, the hope and disappointment, the joy and pain. Adoption is beautiful and tragic, but our God redeems and restores. We are to be a vessel for Him to do just that.

So we press on, and we keep waiting, and we keep choosing to love from afar until the day we are chosen by a birth mother and can love up close.

6 month birthday

The twins will be 6 months old on April 3.

That weekend was such a whirlwind. We traveled to Branson for the wedding of sweet friends. Andy performed the ceremony, the boys were ring bearers. On April 2nd Timothy fell while playing outside and cut open his chin, leaving a nice scar and band aid accessory for the wedding. The morning of the 3rd Josiah ran into a tree branch overhanging a walking trail and had a nice swollen/bruised/slightly bloody eye to go with his adorable suspenders and bow tie. My momma heart was breaking for my boys' hurts and I was mentally preparing to leave them for 24 hours to go meet my other babies' birth mother. I had not heard from her for a couple of days and was worried, but remained hopeful that once we got to Atlanta I would meet her face to face and ease her mind about her decision to place those precious babies with our family. The emotions of that weekend flood my heart every time I go back there.

So this Sunday the babies I thought would be ours will turn 6 months old. I have never seen their sweet faces. Never held their little hands or felt their fingers wrap around mine. They are somewhere else, with someone else. I pray they are loved. I pray they are taken care of, snuggled, rocked to sleep, and feel safe. I pray someday they learn of the hope of Jesus. Sometimes it feels like they were born ages ago and other times it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I dream about them. Sometimes I even hope for a moment that my phone will ring and I'll be asked to get on a plane and go get them. I miss them in moments that hit me out of the blue. Running errands, going to the gym, getting ready for church. The little moments of day to day life that I had allowed myself to picture with 4 little ones in tow.

Many have asked about progress regarding our next adoption. At this point we are still waiting for a birth mother to choose us. I look at Timothy and I know it's worth it. The wait is worth it. The weight of the waiting is worth it. There is hope in knowing that we are following the path we feel God has led us on. In my moments of sadness and grief I am also reminded of the goodness of my Lord. The hope we have in Him.

The Lord is using this time for a purpose and I cling to verses that speak of waiting. There is hope...

Psalm 40:1

I waited patiently for the Lord, and He turned to me, and heard my cry.

Isaiah 40: 31

But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 37: 4-5

Delight thyself also in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit thy way to the Lord, trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.

I am thankful for this journey and while I am most definitely ready for it to be over; have our next little one home and snuggled up on my chest, I know there is purpose in each moment and it is not wasted. There are two precious lives that we can pray for. Two little ones who are loved from afar. A mother, who chose to parent her children, that we can pray for as she moves forward with life.

We covet your prayers for the twins and their mom. We covet your prayers for us as we continue to wait and see how God writes this story.