I don't have a schedule I try to follow when I write, there are just nights when I sit down and feel like I need to get things on "paper" and most nights I don't even know what that is till I start typing. That's how it is tonight. I don't have anything on the tip of my tongue just waiting to pour out. I don't even know if what ends up on this screen will make any sense whatsoever. I just know that I need to write. So here goes nothing and thanks for bearing with me...
The last blog I posted was on grief. At that time I was grieving and still continue to grieve the loss of our last adoption. A couple of weeks ago we were sneaking up on the due date for that little girl and I knew that day would be hard. On Sunday, March 19 I reposted to my facebook page the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. My dear friend Mandy and I shared this song as our go to in the midst of adoption grief, when there are no words we just prayed this song. She made the following comment on that post:
"This was my go to song. Love you."
And how I knew she meant it! I was in Springfield visiting my parents and knew that when I headed home Tuesday morning I would pick up my phone and call Mandy for some good, uninterrupted talk time! Mornings when I drove to or from KC always proved to be the best time for both of us. I also knew that Tuesday would be hard for my heart. It was the due date for our little girl that will be forever with her first mommy. And that's ok! But my heart was still struggling. I knew Mandy would "get it" and we could talk through it all. So when I rolled out of bed early that morning and my phone was ringing I didn't pick up right away. My aunt was calling and I needed to pack so I figured I would call her back, but when I came up the stairs and heard my dad saying that she was calling my mom something in me knew I needed to talk to her. I called my aunt back immediately and... my heart literally beats harder and my hands are weak as I recall that conversation that completely changed the course for that day, and not just that day, but in many ways my entire life.
"Have you talked to anyone yet this morning?"
"No, what's going on?"
"Last night, in South Carolina, there was a fire at Mandy's house and Mandy, Lizzy and Baby Judah did not make it out of the house." (some information was mis-communicated originally and I learned shortly later that Scott, her husband had passed away as well)
It was at this point the room went dark and blurry. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation. This loss, well, I just can't explain it. These four people: my closest friend, her energetic and joyful Lizzy, her miracle rainbow baby Judah and her supportive and loving husband...I think a part of me is still in denial. Like I'm going to wake up and we will keep making plans to visit each other as soon as possible. We will talk adoption plans and hopes for our families. We will discuss our husband's love for ministry and what God possibly has for them, what we need to do to support them. We will discuss home school options, how to find curriculum, what works and doesn't, etc...
I picked up the phone the other day to call her, out of habit, before remembering I can't do that anymore.
As I stated in my last blog, I've never lost anyone before. In the past 18 months I've lost 3 babies via disrupted adoptions and my Mandy. This loss of my friend is gut wrenching. It has literally knocked the wind out of me on more than one occasion. The anger has not come....yet. Though I'm sure it will, but at this moment in time I have an inexpiable peace. Peace that truly comes only from the Lord. Which is kind of surprising, considering I have kept Him at arms length the past few weeks. Yes, I have prayed, read a little here and there, but actual communion with God has not been happening over here. Just being honest. Inviting God into my pain is something I have been working on, but if I'm completely honest it's still a struggle. The past couple of days He has been really working on my heart and getting me to a place of true communication with Him once again. He has been so gracious to use my pain in allowing me to minister to others who are hurting and given me many opportunities to see beyond myself. Beyond my selfishness. Beyond my grief. He is showing me, even as I write these words, that there is a greater work happening around me. He is working all the pieces of this puzzle called Life, walking with us in our pain, sitting with us in our grief, holding us up when we are weak, loving us when we are unlovely, giving grace when we are undeserving, staying near when we are silent toward Him. He is here and He is good. He will redeem and make beauty from these ashes.
See? I guess I did need to write tonight. This seems to be how God reveals Himself to me.lately :)
Mandy inspired many in her life. She loved so incredibly well. So, at this moment in time, this is what I feel God is revealing to me and challenging me to do. I need to love well. Not love convenient. Not love in obligation. But love well-unselfishly, unconditionally, passionately, in every moment, with everyone. Love well.
So, Mandy, thank you for inspiring. Thank you for your joy. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for your empathy, Thank you for being authentic. Thank you for letting me into your hurts. Thank you for letting me into your rejoicing. Thank you for walking with me in life. Thank you for your warm and genuine hugs. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your example. Thank you for loving me well. I will do my best, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to love others and finish well.
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