The blog I never wanted to write

Yesterday I got a devastating phone call.

Our birth mother, whom we have been matched with since October has decided to parent. Changed her mind. For almost 3 months we planned for and anticipated the arrival of our girl! I was careful, at first, not to get too invested. I loved that little girl and could not WAIT to bring her home. But, I also knew from before that it may not happen and I was careful not to buy too many (but a few!) pink things or put a nursery together. As time went on I became more sure. We had conversations where she talked about this baby girl being ours-mine and Andy's-and her being the boy's sister. We had a name for her. I became confident enough in this situation to allow myself to be all in. I have her beautiful ultrasound on my refrigerator. I have some adorable pink and floral outfits hanging in my guest room closet. I was going to be a mom again.

I am not angry with her. I am actually at peace with the family that this sweet baby girl we have been preparing for will be going home to. They love the Lord and this momma is a beautiful person who genuinely loves her baby girl with a selfless love.

I do, however, feel like my world has been shattered...again. Why must we experience this loss...again? Our family is not complete. I believe this with my entire heart. This is not the end of our adoption journey, this I also believe with my entire heart. The waves of sadness I have experienced since that phone call are intense and somewhat shocking. I'll compare the experiences of loss at a later time, but I can say with absolute certainty that the sadness I am feeling is overwhelming and cuts to the core. My heart literally hurts. I also hurt because we have pulled our family into this journey with us. They did not ask to walk this road, but have jumped in with us and are hurting with us. I'm thankful for that and it kills me all at the same time. We aren't the only ones hurting in this situation and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that we got up the hopes of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...my boys. Ugh...I can't even think of telling my boys.

The Lord has shown me so much love though. He has sent me encouragement through family members and new friends that have offered meals, a comforting ear, shoulder to cry on or to come hang with our boys so Andy and I can take a little time to ourselves and process. A gift of chocolate and gift card to our favorite pizza place that has become our place for celebration and sorrow both (thanks, Jordan!), a class already scheduled at church with a pastor who has walked our path in the most devastating way who loved on and prayed for us (Thanks, Tim!), a friend who spontaneously called Andy to hang out after class (who didn't know yet what had transpired throughout the day-Talon, you're awesome). I am thankful that God is allowing me a clear enough mind to recognize these people and moments as blessings from Him in the midst of heartache.

Hear me now, friends. Although my heart is broken. HE will pick up the pieces, put them back together, and continue writing the beautiful story of our family. I have a renewed hope today and peace that I know can only come from God Almighty. This is not to say the pain is gone, but that He is carrying me through this valley. He speaks to me through music often and this phrase of a certain hymn has been in my mind:

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."

How powerful are these words? My hope is built on the strongest foundation it can be and while I may falter and question and worry, HE does not. Jesus gave His life so that I may have hope in an eternity in Heaven, where no more tears are shed. He is righteous.

So we will grieve this loss (with a little help from chocolate) and lean on Christ. We will take advantage of the people and situations He puts in our path to help us through. We will be sad and angry and confused and hurt, but we WILL believe in the power of Christ to restore, redeem and make beautiful things from this hurt.

Thank you all for walking this road with us. Your prayers and support are felt and appreciated.