Grief/Processing/Mandy

I don't have a schedule I try to follow when I write, there are just nights when I sit down and feel like I need to get things on "paper" and most nights I don't even know what that is till I start typing. That's how it is tonight. I don't have anything on the tip of my tongue just waiting to pour out. I don't even know if what ends up on this screen will make any sense whatsoever. I just know that I need to write. So here goes nothing and thanks for bearing with me...

The last blog I posted was on grief. At that time I was grieving and still continue to grieve the loss of our last adoption. A couple of weeks ago we were sneaking up on the due date for that little girl and I knew that day would be hard. On Sunday, March 19 I reposted to my facebook page the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. My dear friend Mandy and I shared this song as our go to in the midst of adoption grief, when there are no words we just prayed this song. She made the following comment on that post:

"This was my go to song. Love you."

And how I knew she meant it! I was in Springfield visiting my parents and knew that when I headed home Tuesday morning I would pick up my phone and call Mandy for some good, uninterrupted talk time! Mornings when I drove to or from KC always proved to be the best time for both of us. I also knew that Tuesday would be hard for my heart. It was the due date for our little girl that will be forever with her first mommy. And that's ok! But my heart was still struggling. I knew Mandy would "get it" and we could talk through it all. So when I rolled out of bed early that morning and my phone was ringing I didn't pick up right away. My aunt was calling and I needed to pack so I figured I would call her back, but when I came up the stairs and heard my dad saying that she was calling my mom something in me knew I needed to talk to her. I called my aunt back immediately and... my heart literally beats harder and my hands are weak as I recall that conversation that completely changed the course for that day, and not just that day, but in many ways my entire life.

"Have you talked to anyone yet this morning?"
"No, what's going on?"
"Last night, in South Carolina, there was a fire at Mandy's house and Mandy, Lizzy and Baby Judah did not make it out of the house." (some information was mis-communicated originally and I learned shortly later that Scott, her husband had passed away as well)

It was at this point the room went dark and blurry. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation. This loss, well, I just can't explain it. These four people: my closest friend, her energetic and joyful Lizzy, her miracle rainbow baby Judah and her supportive and loving husband...I think a part of me is still in denial. Like I'm going to wake up and we will keep making plans to visit each other as soon as possible. We will talk adoption plans and hopes for our families. We will discuss our husband's love for ministry and what God possibly has for them, what we need to do to support them. We will discuss home school options, how to find curriculum, what works and doesn't, etc...

I picked up the phone the other day to call her, out of habit, before remembering I can't do that anymore.

As I stated in my last blog, I've never lost anyone before. In the past 18 months I've lost 3 babies via disrupted adoptions and my Mandy. This loss of my friend is gut wrenching. It has literally knocked the wind out of me on more than one occasion. The anger has not come....yet. Though I'm sure it will, but at this moment in time I have an inexpiable peace. Peace that truly comes only from the Lord. Which is kind of surprising, considering I have kept Him at arms length the past few weeks. Yes, I have prayed, read a little here and there, but actual communion with God has not been happening over here. Just being honest. Inviting God into my pain is something I have been working on, but if I'm completely honest it's still a struggle. The past couple of days He has been really working on my heart and getting me to a place of true communication with Him once again. He has been so gracious to use my pain in allowing me to minister to others who are hurting and given me many opportunities to see beyond myself. Beyond my selfishness. Beyond my grief. He is showing me, even as I write these words, that there is a greater work happening around me. He is working all the pieces of this puzzle called Life, walking with us in our pain, sitting with us in our grief, holding us up when we are weak, loving us when we are unlovely, giving grace when we are undeserving, staying near when we are silent toward Him. He is here and He is good. He will redeem and make beauty from these ashes.

See? I guess I did need to write tonight. This seems to be how God reveals Himself to me.lately :)

Mandy inspired many in her life. She loved so incredibly well. So, at this moment in time, this is what I feel God is revealing to me and challenging me to do. I need to love well. Not love convenient. Not love in obligation. But love well-unselfishly, unconditionally, passionately, in every moment, with everyone. Love well.

So, Mandy, thank you for inspiring. Thank you for your joy. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for your empathy, Thank you for being authentic. Thank you for letting me into your hurts. Thank you for letting me into your rejoicing. Thank you for walking with me in life. Thank you for your warm and genuine hugs. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your example. Thank you for loving me well. I will do my best, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to love others and finish well.

Grief

Grief is a funny thing. It hits you smack in the face when you least expect it. It comes and goes. It hurts and heals. There are stages-yes. But they look different for everyone. I've never really experienced loss in my life. My parents and both sets of grandparents are both living. I've never lost a close friend. I've never experienced a miscarriage or still birth of a child. I've had disappointments, but nothing extreme. It took a while to get pregnant with our oldest son, so there was grief with that each month, but also still hope because I was confident we would end up with a baby one way or another. We were in the adoption process at that time so I knew it was going to happen. Timothy's adoption went so smoothly from start to finish. "Typical" experiences navigating relationships and hospital time with his birth parents but placement and legal paperwork was standard and timely. We expected our second adoption to be the same.

When we were matched with the twins our family felt so complete. When we "lost" the twins it was terrible. I experienced a great deal of sadness, lots of denial until they were released from the hospital-but mostly anger. Anger toward God. Anger toward their mom. Anger toward the hospital social worker and attorney. Anger toward myself. If I could have just said one thing differently. If I could have just convinced her. If, if, if....Since then I've had waves of many emotions, but the primary one is anger.

This time it seems to be different. There's not much denial at this point. Maybe there is a small part of me that hopes she will change her mind once the baby is born, but honestly I don't see that happening. I've definitely had moments of anger, but not at anyone in particular. Just the situation. What I'm experiencing this time is overwhelming sadness. I miss this little girl. I looked at her ultrasound pictures on my fridge every single day. Her presence is missing from my home. The sadness comes and goes. I am still living wonderful moments with my family and soaking up new milestones my boys are reaching. I can function and even enjoy life. God is doing amazing things with my family, leading us in an exciting direction, and providing so much amazing community who have loved us immensely through this. But every once in a while, when I least expect it, the sadness overwhelms me.

I guess this is grief. It's unique to each person and each situation. It has taught me empathy in a way I've never been able to understand before. It reminds me of my emotions, when I want to shut them off and keeps me from becoming numb.

Thank you again, friends, for you love and kind words. And thank you for reading as I process through this grief. I wish I could offer something truly uplifting and inspiring. When words fail me as I pray these words fill my mind. "Be still and know that I am God." He will redeem this pain. He will make something beautiful from this. He is Good. He loves me and He loves those three babies more than I could ever comprehend. And for that I am grateful and have peace.

He is STILL good.

I found it not a coincidence at all that we sang "King of my heart" in church yesterday. Considering I just wrote a blog on how God will never let us down and how incredibly GOOD He is. Singing was not something I was capable of doing through my tears, especially as I struggled to truly believe this song. But as the voices around me lifted up His name and proclaimed this truth, the Lord began to slowly speak to my heart. Yes, He is still good. Yes, he still loves me. No, He will NEVER let me down. Our worship leader spoke of allowing others in the room to sing these words over us if we were not able. This broke me. Having been given permission to just be in the moment and wrestle through the emotions flooding my heart gave me such relief. I don't have to FEEL good, but I absolutely KNOW that HE is good. The Lord has shown us undeserved blessings these past few days. I can't even list the ways, but He has made His presence known and overwhelmed my heart with His peace.

After my mom told me she heard this song on her way home from visiting us this weekend I had to look it up. These words speak so clearly what I feel I am trying to express right now. Follow the link below to listen to "Thy Will" By Hillary Scott & The Scott Family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw

Thank you all again for your continued love, support and prayers. They are felt, appreciated and help more than you know.

On a more practical side of this adoption journey: We are "active" with our agency again, meaning we are now being shown to new birth moms. We are hopeful and praying that we are matched quickly. Quickly meaning within a time frame that allows us to finalize an adoption before January 2018 so that we don't have to renew our home study again :)

The blog I never wanted to write

Yesterday I got a devastating phone call.

Our birth mother, whom we have been matched with since October has decided to parent. Changed her mind. For almost 3 months we planned for and anticipated the arrival of our girl! I was careful, at first, not to get too invested. I loved that little girl and could not WAIT to bring her home. But, I also knew from before that it may not happen and I was careful not to buy too many (but a few!) pink things or put a nursery together. As time went on I became more sure. We had conversations where she talked about this baby girl being ours-mine and Andy's-and her being the boy's sister. We had a name for her. I became confident enough in this situation to allow myself to be all in. I have her beautiful ultrasound on my refrigerator. I have some adorable pink and floral outfits hanging in my guest room closet. I was going to be a mom again.

I am not angry with her. I am actually at peace with the family that this sweet baby girl we have been preparing for will be going home to. They love the Lord and this momma is a beautiful person who genuinely loves her baby girl with a selfless love.

I do, however, feel like my world has been shattered...again. Why must we experience this loss...again? Our family is not complete. I believe this with my entire heart. This is not the end of our adoption journey, this I also believe with my entire heart. The waves of sadness I have experienced since that phone call are intense and somewhat shocking. I'll compare the experiences of loss at a later time, but I can say with absolute certainty that the sadness I am feeling is overwhelming and cuts to the core. My heart literally hurts. I also hurt because we have pulled our family into this journey with us. They did not ask to walk this road, but have jumped in with us and are hurting with us. I'm thankful for that and it kills me all at the same time. We aren't the only ones hurting in this situation and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that we got up the hopes of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...my boys. Ugh...I can't even think of telling my boys.

The Lord has shown me so much love though. He has sent me encouragement through family members and new friends that have offered meals, a comforting ear, shoulder to cry on or to come hang with our boys so Andy and I can take a little time to ourselves and process. A gift of chocolate and gift card to our favorite pizza place that has become our place for celebration and sorrow both (thanks, Jordan!), a class already scheduled at church with a pastor who has walked our path in the most devastating way who loved on and prayed for us (Thanks, Tim!), a friend who spontaneously called Andy to hang out after class (who didn't know yet what had transpired throughout the day-Talon, you're awesome). I am thankful that God is allowing me a clear enough mind to recognize these people and moments as blessings from Him in the midst of heartache.

Hear me now, friends. Although my heart is broken. HE will pick up the pieces, put them back together, and continue writing the beautiful story of our family. I have a renewed hope today and peace that I know can only come from God Almighty. This is not to say the pain is gone, but that He is carrying me through this valley. He speaks to me through music often and this phrase of a certain hymn has been in my mind:

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."

How powerful are these words? My hope is built on the strongest foundation it can be and while I may falter and question and worry, HE does not. Jesus gave His life so that I may have hope in an eternity in Heaven, where no more tears are shed. He is righteous.

So we will grieve this loss (with a little help from chocolate) and lean on Christ. We will take advantage of the people and situations He puts in our path to help us through. We will be sad and angry and confused and hurt, but we WILL believe in the power of Christ to restore, redeem and make beautiful things from this hurt.

Thank you all for walking this road with us. Your prayers and support are felt and appreciated.

He is GOOD

The past couple of weeks have had me emotionally all over the place. We are in the midst of updating our home study...for the 5th time (not including addendums). While this may seem exciting because we are preparing to bring home our baby girl it has become a bit of a struggle for me.

It is what it is.
It's part of the process.
It's the "pregnant" part of adoption.
It's one step closer.

These are all things that can be said to relieve the frustration, but if I'm totally honest it's not enough anymore. My reliance on The Lord to sustain me in this has had to increase more than ever before.

Because...we may not get to bring her home. We know all to well the reality of this. As one year came and went from the time we should have been bringing home twins, this set in once more. Grief is a process I'm learning isn't a one track thing. You don't go through the steps and move on. They come and go. And anger is certainly an emotion that comes and goes for me in this journey.

Anger that we lost "our" babies.
Anger that the situation they went home to is not what I would want for them.
Anger that this entire process is long, exhausting and expensive.
Anger that we have had to be fingerprinted 5 times, when fingerprints don't change.
Anger that we have to be "approved" in order to parent.

BUT...this past weekend I was visiting my "home" church and we sang a song that I've heard many times. We sing it at our church in KC and it's always been great. However, this weekend it hit me differently. Apparently I wasn't the only one because when it was over, Pastor asked the band to play it again.

King of My Heart

Let the king of my heart be
The mountain when I run
The fountain I drink from, oh
He is my song

Let the king of my heart be
The shadow where I hide,
The ransom for my life, oh
He is my song

You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh

Let the king of my heart be
The wind beneath my sails,
The anchor in my waves, oh
He is my song

Let the king of my heart be
The fire inside my veins
And the echo of my days, oh
He is my song

Bridge:

You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down

As we sang this song, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't help but cry out to God. He will be the anchor in my waves, He will be the wind beneath my sails. He is GOOD and will NEVER let me down. It's in worship that I most often think of the twins. A lot of times I disconnect or redirect my thoughts because it hurts too much, but this time I let the words permeate and the Holy Spirit reminded me that not only will He never let ME down, but he will most certainly NEVER let THEM down. He loves them intensely and wholly. It was not my time to parent them, but he will always be their father and He is good.

Even when doubt fills my mind about this precious little girl growing in another momma's womb, I am reminded through the words of this song that my God is Good and will sustain whatever comes my way. As we prepare for our home visit tomorrow He will provide the emotional and mental strength to walk through this paperwork process (hopefully, just!) one more time. He has and will continue to provide the funds. He will affirm my ability to parent and love in the little moments each day with my boys. He will never let me down. He will give me what I need, each moment, to walk this path He has called us into and it will be WORTH IT!

This time of year can be hard for many. Those who have lost a friend, parent, or child, those who are hurting in hope of a sweet life that has yet to come, those who are suffering from a pay cut or loss of job, those who are lonely or suffering from illness or pain. Please find hope in knowing that our God is Good and He will "Never leave you, nor forsake you."

He is Good
He will never let us down.

r gonna let me downBb

Hope

Whew! It's been a while :) I feel like I start every blog entry with something along those lines! Consistency is not my strong suit with this blog, but I do want to get some thoughts and feelings down every once in a while and hopefully encourage a few of you along the way!

Life has been a series of crazy events the past few months and it's been a little hard to keep up! To recap: 

Andy left his job, started a new job, we left our church, joined a new church, jumped into the world of church planting, sold our house, moved in with my in-laws for 2 months, bought a new (super old!) house, renovated said house and finally moved in this past weekend! Goodness! 

In the midst of all of this we also got "the call!" We had a birth mother interested in us! After getting some info that afternoon, we spoke with H (as I will call her here) that evening. The amount of peace that swelled up within Andy and I was amazing. She is such a sweet girl and when I talk with her I feel like I'm talking to my little sister. We text often and are looking forward to meeting face to face....NEXT WEEK!

That's right! Next Sunday we will travel to her hometown, 8 hours away, and spend the evening with her. Monday we will go to her ultrasound with her! Yes! We get to see our baby girl and hear her heart beat in person! I can't wait! 

The devil has this was of ruining some of these joy filled moments though, doesn't he? He tries to steal our joy by allowing fear, insecurity, pain, worry, anxiety, etc creep in and overwhelm our hearts and minds. It's a battle sometimes, to fight those negative thoughts and keep them at bay. Despite having had a disrupted adoption a year ago, I am daily, sometimes hourly, choosing joy and HOPE. I had a friend remind me at the beginning of this journey that we have a God of hope. We have a responsibility to choose to hope in the sovereignty of The Lord! And HE has been incredible in providing peace, joy and HOPE theses past few weeks. There are many weeks to go until baby girl makes her appearance in March and I know there will be moments of fear, days of worry, times where anxiety and doubt creep in. But I also know that my God is bigger. His plan is perfect and He will see us through this, no matter how things end up.

So throughout this journey, I will choose hope. 

Spirit lead me

Wait.
Be still.
Wait.
Pray.
Wait.
Praise.
Wait.

So. much. waiting.

When Andy and I make a decision about where we are going in life and what we are doing we tend to want to execute that plan immediately. We are not good at holding in the reigns and being patient. When we decided that we would grow our family through adoption, I jumped online and began researching agencies right away. I found a reputable agency in our area that would allow us to apply before I reached age 25. At that time there were not many that allowed this so I was super excited. Then we, idealistically, thought we would be matched quickly and begin our journey as parents. "Wait," said God. Wait 3 years. (While we did not have to wait 3 years to become parents, we did have to wait 3 years to be chosen and watch our sweet Timothy enter this world) Then we thought in 6 months we could finalize and a judge would declare him our son forever. "Wait," again. For 1 year I lived without that declaration. We know our family isn't complete, and have continued to WAIT again for a birth mother and/or father to choose us. HIS timing is perfect, but that does not change the fact that the heart aches for it's desires.

Months ago, when The Lord planted the idea of starting a church in our hearts we were excited, scared and anxious to begin that journey. However, we had no idea how that would look. Where will we be trained? Will we have to raise support? Will we have to move cities? States? When can we start? "Wait," said the Lord. Again. So we waited. For months we waited. Then, in this short period of 48 hours God said "Here you go! Here's your opportunity! Here's the door you need to walk through. Now will you follow? Will you sacrifice?"So we walked. And in a matter of days Andy had accepted the position that had been offered to him, informed the leadership at church of the decision, made an exit plan, decided to downsize in order to make this all work, found a house (again, thank you Jesus!) and made a verbal desire with the seller (who is a friend who lives in Latin American as a missionary and just "happens" to be stateside, here in KC right now), began sorting through what we will keep and what we will sell and listed our house. All so we can wait. AGAIN! I'm guess there's a lesson I need to learn here :) Ha! We need to wait for our house to sell before we can execute the purchase of our friend's house.

My desire to control goes into overdrive in times like this. Short time frame. Sense of urgency. I have to TRUST. So The Lord keeps frequently bringing to mind the words "Wait. Be Still. Know that I am God." Oh, what peace comes from that last part. I cannot even begin to tell you how confident I am that this transition is ordained by God and we are walking the exact path He desires us to be on right now. There is an old hymn that says "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." Oh how true this is! I could spend lots of words explaining all of the "coincidences" that have occurred, but that would be excessive. To see God reveal Himself and His plan so clearly has been very cool to experience. However, I still wonder. I still question. The desire I have to control things is overwhelming at times and I find myself frequently repeating those words to myself "Be Still." Something I don't do well.

While we walk this path of church plant training, starting a church, seeking another adoption match, selling our home, moving into our new one I will strive to choose every moment of every day to trust in Jesus. But I am far from perfect, so I may need a reminder every now and then!

About 9 months ago, when were walking through the disruption of the twins adoption I sang these words with my whole, prayerful heart. I believed at that time (and still believe it's part of it) that those words were related to the wonderfully terrifying world of adoption. Now I think it's more than that...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
WHEREVER YOU MAY CALL ME
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
That my faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.