Yesterday we sang a song at church that has become one of my very favorites. It contains lyrics from one of my favorite hymns, has a powerful melody, and is a beautiful anthem for declaring God's goodness no matter what.
As we sang though, I found myself having a really difficult time singing these words:
"Through it all, it is well. It is well with my soul."
Instead of it being a declaration these words became more of a plea. I want it to be well. My desire is for that kind of faith. Faith that moves mountains. Faith that can declare with complete honesty "It is well with my soul!"
Some days I can sing this song with complete certainty. For that I am grateful. Other days, I have to lay down my pain before the Lord and allow Him to heal me. And for that I am also grateful. Because I have a God that allows me to come before Him in my brokenness. I have a God that knows each tear that falls and HEARS me. What a wonderful thing to experience!
And then, as if God knew I just needed a little more comfort and hope poured into my life, he allowed me to see, this morning, the story of a family who declared the verse: "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I have not claimed this verse as I should, and have often doubted if God will "come through" for us in this adoption. I have been convicted of this doubt and will take that thought captive moving forward. It is natural, I think, for us to wonder, doubt, become frustrated, fear and worry. It is not something to beat myself up over. It is something for me to recognize, confess and lay before the Lord. He tells me to "Cast all my care upon Him because He cares for me"--so I will lay my burdens at His feet and rest in Him. Knowing that He loves, cares and desires the absolute best for me. It may not look like I think it will, and that's ok.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
A new adventure
It's been awhile...again.
I truly hope everyone reading this is doing wonderful! It seems as if 2017 has brought much heartache or many people and I pray the next half of the year is filled with good news, wonderful blessings and joy.
As I sit here on this Sunday evening, I am contemplative, nervous, excited, anxious, curious, hopeful, and many more emotions I can't seem to put words to. When this happens, I sit here on my couch with my computer and start typing. So here I am. Typing away and hoping I can express what's happening in this head and heart of mine!
Tomorrow morning I will sit down with oldest son. We will begin a new routine. A new rhythm. A new relationship. Tomorrow I will officially become his teacher. Home schooling is not something I had ever seriously considered doing. Before we had children Andy and I were actually pretty adamant that our kids would attend public schools. For many reasons, we felt this was the best choice. Then we had kids! Ha! As our lives have taken twists and turns, we have changed, grown and adapted the way we view many things in life. The way in which we school our children being one of those things. As the time came for us to consider Josiah's kindergarten experience, the idea of home schooling just kept coming to the forefront of our minds. It made sense. I'm a former teacher with a degree in Early Childhood Education. I know the expectations for children his age. Josiah loves to learn. He often asks to do school anyway. His compliance should make for a fairly smooth transition. (Much more went into this decision, but I feel those are more personal reasons to keep within our family)
So why am I awake at 11:00PM the night before his first day of school with a knot in my stomach and on the brink of tears? I'm not sending him off, out into the world. He probably won't even put shoes on tomorrow morning! It's symbolic. It's the fact that he is even old enough to be entering school. He has grown and changed and matured so much more that I ever imagined over the past 5 years. And it has flown by! How many things did I miss? What did I not commit to memory that I should have? Where did these 5 years go? I am so incredibly proud of this kid. My first born. My sensitive, sweet, loving, kind and joyful son. I am overwhelmed tonight by the love I have for him. My heart is flooded with memories from these first year and bursting with what the next could look like for him.
Selfishly, I am terrified and insecure. Can I do this? Will I teach him well enough? Will I prepare him for the day he does set foot inside an actual school? Can I keep the routine and structure needed to make this successful? Will this change our relationship? If so, will it change for the better? How will the effect Timothy? When we finally do get to bring a new little baby (or babies!) home, will I have what it takes to keep this venture going? What if I fail? There are many things in life I have felt nervous about, but I'm not sure I've ever feared failing as much as I fear failing my children.
BUT...I know that God has equipped me for this. In my head, I absolutely know that this is not all on me. HE will go before me, because HE has called me to this. He has given me a supportive husband who desires to be a part of this process. We walk this road together. God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. So it is with these traits I will go forward. I will claim HIS power, HIS love and allow HIM to give me a sound mind.
So here's to a great first year of school and new adventure for our family!
**PS: The boys have now started praying often for a new baby (and hopefully!) sister soon! Childlike faith putting me to shame.I know this post isn't really adoption related, but I thank you and continue to covet your prayers for a match soon! We are SO ready to grow our family!**
I truly hope everyone reading this is doing wonderful! It seems as if 2017 has brought much heartache or many people and I pray the next half of the year is filled with good news, wonderful blessings and joy.
As I sit here on this Sunday evening, I am contemplative, nervous, excited, anxious, curious, hopeful, and many more emotions I can't seem to put words to. When this happens, I sit here on my couch with my computer and start typing. So here I am. Typing away and hoping I can express what's happening in this head and heart of mine!
Tomorrow morning I will sit down with oldest son. We will begin a new routine. A new rhythm. A new relationship. Tomorrow I will officially become his teacher. Home schooling is not something I had ever seriously considered doing. Before we had children Andy and I were actually pretty adamant that our kids would attend public schools. For many reasons, we felt this was the best choice. Then we had kids! Ha! As our lives have taken twists and turns, we have changed, grown and adapted the way we view many things in life. The way in which we school our children being one of those things. As the time came for us to consider Josiah's kindergarten experience, the idea of home schooling just kept coming to the forefront of our minds. It made sense. I'm a former teacher with a degree in Early Childhood Education. I know the expectations for children his age. Josiah loves to learn. He often asks to do school anyway. His compliance should make for a fairly smooth transition. (Much more went into this decision, but I feel those are more personal reasons to keep within our family)
So why am I awake at 11:00PM the night before his first day of school with a knot in my stomach and on the brink of tears? I'm not sending him off, out into the world. He probably won't even put shoes on tomorrow morning! It's symbolic. It's the fact that he is even old enough to be entering school. He has grown and changed and matured so much more that I ever imagined over the past 5 years. And it has flown by! How many things did I miss? What did I not commit to memory that I should have? Where did these 5 years go? I am so incredibly proud of this kid. My first born. My sensitive, sweet, loving, kind and joyful son. I am overwhelmed tonight by the love I have for him. My heart is flooded with memories from these first year and bursting with what the next could look like for him.
Selfishly, I am terrified and insecure. Can I do this? Will I teach him well enough? Will I prepare him for the day he does set foot inside an actual school? Can I keep the routine and structure needed to make this successful? Will this change our relationship? If so, will it change for the better? How will the effect Timothy? When we finally do get to bring a new little baby (or babies!) home, will I have what it takes to keep this venture going? What if I fail? There are many things in life I have felt nervous about, but I'm not sure I've ever feared failing as much as I fear failing my children.
BUT...I know that God has equipped me for this. In my head, I absolutely know that this is not all on me. HE will go before me, because HE has called me to this. He has given me a supportive husband who desires to be a part of this process. We walk this road together. God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. So it is with these traits I will go forward. I will claim HIS power, HIS love and allow HIM to give me a sound mind.
So here's to a great first year of school and new adventure for our family!
**PS: The boys have now started praying often for a new baby (and hopefully!) sister soon! Childlike faith putting me to shame.I know this post isn't really adoption related, but I thank you and continue to covet your prayers for a match soon! We are SO ready to grow our family!**
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Boys vs. Men
I'm not here to tell anyone how to parent and generally speaking I keep my opinions about parenting to myself on social media/the internet in general. It's a slippery slope that opens a door that many times leads to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and complete lack of grace. So I will say here and now that my goal is not to tell anyone what to do, it is not to disregard the "exceptions" or degrade parents. These are simply my personal observations as well as my goals for my own boys. Since I do not have daughters yet I will not speak to that. I will only speak to my experience as a mom of boys.
Man up!
Will he ever grow up?
Boys will be boys.
Girls just mature faster.
Terms we often hear thrown around, mostly in relation to boys/men who are in college/lower 20's. It seems to be expected and accepted as normal in our culture today. It's an over generalization to say that all men in this category behave as boys. I personally know many, many men who have taken on great responsibility and behave as mature adults who lead and contribute to society. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the boys who just can't seem to get it together. The ones who can't/won't commit...to a job, to a significant other, to a ministry, to anything. The boys who expect their parents to bail them out of any mess the create for themselves. My husband and I have a very important job. We are not raising boys, we are raising MEN. Our job is to raise men...
Who are confident in who they are in Christ
Who love God
Who will commit to their wife and love her as Christ loves the church (If God has a wife for them)
Who will sacrificially love their children (If this is part of their future)
Who seek after and follow God's plan for their life
Who are selfless, kind, forgiving, loving
Who express their emotions and are vulnerable
Who behave with integrity
Who lead well
My husband plays a huge role in how our boys grow up and I will NOT discount his influence for one second. But I want to talk about mothering, because that's my area. Mothering today has become this thing where the primary goal seems to be making your kids happy, protecting them from any and all hurts, providing excessive safety where our boys are never challenged or forced to stand up for themselves. We come to their rescue, coddle and stifle them. It is our natural inclination to keep them close, to shelter them from storms, to jump into action when anything comes close to looking like it might hurt them (I'm not talking about keeping your kids from running into oncoming traffic here). Instead of telling our boys that not everyone will always cave to their desires, we give in and create this "safe" space where they never learn independence. If a kid doesn't want to play their game- there just MUST be something wrong with that kid. Heaven forbid we challenge our boys to examine their own actions. Are you being kind, son? Are you offering to play what your friend wants to play? (Selflessness) Are you speaking in anger? (Be quick to listen, slow to anger-James 1:19) We keep them in a state of dependence on us as mommies for so long that when it comes time for them to stand on their own two feet they have no idea what that looks like. It's so easy in the day to day to want to keep them little, snuggle them like when they were babies, be the caregiver and protector that we forget we are raising warriors. We forget that we need to raise those boys to become men who can protect instead of always being protected. We need to teach them how to be confident in themselves-in who they are in Christ-so they can handle anything and everything that life throws their way. I am by no means perfect in this area. I think this is why I am writing this. God has been showing me lately the effects of NOT keeping the end goal in mind and that terrifies me. So as mama's of boys, let's rally together to raise up MEN and LET GO of our selfish desires to keep them boys.
Man up!
Will he ever grow up?
Boys will be boys.
Girls just mature faster.
Terms we often hear thrown around, mostly in relation to boys/men who are in college/lower 20's. It seems to be expected and accepted as normal in our culture today. It's an over generalization to say that all men in this category behave as boys. I personally know many, many men who have taken on great responsibility and behave as mature adults who lead and contribute to society. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the boys who just can't seem to get it together. The ones who can't/won't commit...to a job, to a significant other, to a ministry, to anything. The boys who expect their parents to bail them out of any mess the create for themselves. My husband and I have a very important job. We are not raising boys, we are raising MEN. Our job is to raise men...
Who are confident in who they are in Christ
Who love God
Who will commit to their wife and love her as Christ loves the church (If God has a wife for them)
Who will sacrificially love their children (If this is part of their future)
Who seek after and follow God's plan for their life
Who are selfless, kind, forgiving, loving
Who express their emotions and are vulnerable
Who behave with integrity
Who lead well
My husband plays a huge role in how our boys grow up and I will NOT discount his influence for one second. But I want to talk about mothering, because that's my area. Mothering today has become this thing where the primary goal seems to be making your kids happy, protecting them from any and all hurts, providing excessive safety where our boys are never challenged or forced to stand up for themselves. We come to their rescue, coddle and stifle them. It is our natural inclination to keep them close, to shelter them from storms, to jump into action when anything comes close to looking like it might hurt them (I'm not talking about keeping your kids from running into oncoming traffic here). Instead of telling our boys that not everyone will always cave to their desires, we give in and create this "safe" space where they never learn independence. If a kid doesn't want to play their game- there just MUST be something wrong with that kid. Heaven forbid we challenge our boys to examine their own actions. Are you being kind, son? Are you offering to play what your friend wants to play? (Selflessness) Are you speaking in anger? (Be quick to listen, slow to anger-James 1:19) We keep them in a state of dependence on us as mommies for so long that when it comes time for them to stand on their own two feet they have no idea what that looks like. It's so easy in the day to day to want to keep them little, snuggle them like when they were babies, be the caregiver and protector that we forget we are raising warriors. We forget that we need to raise those boys to become men who can protect instead of always being protected. We need to teach them how to be confident in themselves-in who they are in Christ-so they can handle anything and everything that life throws their way. I am by no means perfect in this area. I think this is why I am writing this. God has been showing me lately the effects of NOT keeping the end goal in mind and that terrifies me. So as mama's of boys, let's rally together to raise up MEN and LET GO of our selfish desires to keep them boys.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Grief/Processing/Mandy
I don't have a schedule I try to follow when I write, there are just nights when I sit down and feel like I need to get things on "paper" and most nights I don't even know what that is till I start typing. That's how it is tonight. I don't have anything on the tip of my tongue just waiting to pour out. I don't even know if what ends up on this screen will make any sense whatsoever. I just know that I need to write. So here goes nothing and thanks for bearing with me...
The last blog I posted was on grief. At that time I was grieving and still continue to grieve the loss of our last adoption. A couple of weeks ago we were sneaking up on the due date for that little girl and I knew that day would be hard. On Sunday, March 19 I reposted to my facebook page the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. My dear friend Mandy and I shared this song as our go to in the midst of adoption grief, when there are no words we just prayed this song. She made the following comment on that post:
"This was my go to song. Love you."
And how I knew she meant it! I was in Springfield visiting my parents and knew that when I headed home Tuesday morning I would pick up my phone and call Mandy for some good, uninterrupted talk time! Mornings when I drove to or from KC always proved to be the best time for both of us. I also knew that Tuesday would be hard for my heart. It was the due date for our little girl that will be forever with her first mommy. And that's ok! But my heart was still struggling. I knew Mandy would "get it" and we could talk through it all. So when I rolled out of bed early that morning and my phone was ringing I didn't pick up right away. My aunt was calling and I needed to pack so I figured I would call her back, but when I came up the stairs and heard my dad saying that she was calling my mom something in me knew I needed to talk to her. I called my aunt back immediately and... my heart literally beats harder and my hands are weak as I recall that conversation that completely changed the course for that day, and not just that day, but in many ways my entire life.
"Have you talked to anyone yet this morning?"
"No, what's going on?"
"Last night, in South Carolina, there was a fire at Mandy's house and Mandy, Lizzy and Baby Judah did not make it out of the house." (some information was mis-communicated originally and I learned shortly later that Scott, her husband had passed away as well)
It was at this point the room went dark and blurry. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation. This loss, well, I just can't explain it. These four people: my closest friend, her energetic and joyful Lizzy, her miracle rainbow baby Judah and her supportive and loving husband...I think a part of me is still in denial. Like I'm going to wake up and we will keep making plans to visit each other as soon as possible. We will talk adoption plans and hopes for our families. We will discuss our husband's love for ministry and what God possibly has for them, what we need to do to support them. We will discuss home school options, how to find curriculum, what works and doesn't, etc...
I picked up the phone the other day to call her, out of habit, before remembering I can't do that anymore.
As I stated in my last blog, I've never lost anyone before. In the past 18 months I've lost 3 babies via disrupted adoptions and my Mandy. This loss of my friend is gut wrenching. It has literally knocked the wind out of me on more than one occasion. The anger has not come....yet. Though I'm sure it will, but at this moment in time I have an inexpiable peace. Peace that truly comes only from the Lord. Which is kind of surprising, considering I have kept Him at arms length the past few weeks. Yes, I have prayed, read a little here and there, but actual communion with God has not been happening over here. Just being honest. Inviting God into my pain is something I have been working on, but if I'm completely honest it's still a struggle. The past couple of days He has been really working on my heart and getting me to a place of true communication with Him once again. He has been so gracious to use my pain in allowing me to minister to others who are hurting and given me many opportunities to see beyond myself. Beyond my selfishness. Beyond my grief. He is showing me, even as I write these words, that there is a greater work happening around me. He is working all the pieces of this puzzle called Life, walking with us in our pain, sitting with us in our grief, holding us up when we are weak, loving us when we are unlovely, giving grace when we are undeserving, staying near when we are silent toward Him. He is here and He is good. He will redeem and make beauty from these ashes.
See? I guess I did need to write tonight. This seems to be how God reveals Himself to me.lately :)
Mandy inspired many in her life. She loved so incredibly well. So, at this moment in time, this is what I feel God is revealing to me and challenging me to do. I need to love well. Not love convenient. Not love in obligation. But love well-unselfishly, unconditionally, passionately, in every moment, with everyone. Love well.
So, Mandy, thank you for inspiring. Thank you for your joy. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for your empathy, Thank you for being authentic. Thank you for letting me into your hurts. Thank you for letting me into your rejoicing. Thank you for walking with me in life. Thank you for your warm and genuine hugs. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your example. Thank you for loving me well. I will do my best, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to love others and finish well.
The last blog I posted was on grief. At that time I was grieving and still continue to grieve the loss of our last adoption. A couple of weeks ago we were sneaking up on the due date for that little girl and I knew that day would be hard. On Sunday, March 19 I reposted to my facebook page the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. My dear friend Mandy and I shared this song as our go to in the midst of adoption grief, when there are no words we just prayed this song. She made the following comment on that post:
"This was my go to song. Love you."
And how I knew she meant it! I was in Springfield visiting my parents and knew that when I headed home Tuesday morning I would pick up my phone and call Mandy for some good, uninterrupted talk time! Mornings when I drove to or from KC always proved to be the best time for both of us. I also knew that Tuesday would be hard for my heart. It was the due date for our little girl that will be forever with her first mommy. And that's ok! But my heart was still struggling. I knew Mandy would "get it" and we could talk through it all. So when I rolled out of bed early that morning and my phone was ringing I didn't pick up right away. My aunt was calling and I needed to pack so I figured I would call her back, but when I came up the stairs and heard my dad saying that she was calling my mom something in me knew I needed to talk to her. I called my aunt back immediately and... my heart literally beats harder and my hands are weak as I recall that conversation that completely changed the course for that day, and not just that day, but in many ways my entire life.
"Have you talked to anyone yet this morning?"
"No, what's going on?"
"Last night, in South Carolina, there was a fire at Mandy's house and Mandy, Lizzy and Baby Judah did not make it out of the house." (some information was mis-communicated originally and I learned shortly later that Scott, her husband had passed away as well)
It was at this point the room went dark and blurry. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation. This loss, well, I just can't explain it. These four people: my closest friend, her energetic and joyful Lizzy, her miracle rainbow baby Judah and her supportive and loving husband...I think a part of me is still in denial. Like I'm going to wake up and we will keep making plans to visit each other as soon as possible. We will talk adoption plans and hopes for our families. We will discuss our husband's love for ministry and what God possibly has for them, what we need to do to support them. We will discuss home school options, how to find curriculum, what works and doesn't, etc...
I picked up the phone the other day to call her, out of habit, before remembering I can't do that anymore.
As I stated in my last blog, I've never lost anyone before. In the past 18 months I've lost 3 babies via disrupted adoptions and my Mandy. This loss of my friend is gut wrenching. It has literally knocked the wind out of me on more than one occasion. The anger has not come....yet. Though I'm sure it will, but at this moment in time I have an inexpiable peace. Peace that truly comes only from the Lord. Which is kind of surprising, considering I have kept Him at arms length the past few weeks. Yes, I have prayed, read a little here and there, but actual communion with God has not been happening over here. Just being honest. Inviting God into my pain is something I have been working on, but if I'm completely honest it's still a struggle. The past couple of days He has been really working on my heart and getting me to a place of true communication with Him once again. He has been so gracious to use my pain in allowing me to minister to others who are hurting and given me many opportunities to see beyond myself. Beyond my selfishness. Beyond my grief. He is showing me, even as I write these words, that there is a greater work happening around me. He is working all the pieces of this puzzle called Life, walking with us in our pain, sitting with us in our grief, holding us up when we are weak, loving us when we are unlovely, giving grace when we are undeserving, staying near when we are silent toward Him. He is here and He is good. He will redeem and make beauty from these ashes.
See? I guess I did need to write tonight. This seems to be how God reveals Himself to me.lately :)
Mandy inspired many in her life. She loved so incredibly well. So, at this moment in time, this is what I feel God is revealing to me and challenging me to do. I need to love well. Not love convenient. Not love in obligation. But love well-unselfishly, unconditionally, passionately, in every moment, with everyone. Love well.
So, Mandy, thank you for inspiring. Thank you for your joy. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for your empathy, Thank you for being authentic. Thank you for letting me into your hurts. Thank you for letting me into your rejoicing. Thank you for walking with me in life. Thank you for your warm and genuine hugs. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your example. Thank you for loving me well. I will do my best, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to love others and finish well.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Grief
Grief is a funny thing. It hits you smack in the face when you least expect it. It comes and goes. It hurts and heals. There are stages-yes. But they look different for everyone. I've never really experienced loss in my life. My parents and both sets of grandparents are both living. I've never lost a close friend. I've never experienced a miscarriage or still birth of a child. I've had disappointments, but nothing extreme. It took a while to get pregnant with our oldest son, so there was grief with that each month, but also still hope because I was confident we would end up with a baby one way or another. We were in the adoption process at that time so I knew it was going to happen. Timothy's adoption went so smoothly from start to finish. "Typical" experiences navigating relationships and hospital time with his birth parents but placement and legal paperwork was standard and timely. We expected our second adoption to be the same.
When we were matched with the twins our family felt so complete. When we "lost" the twins it was terrible. I experienced a great deal of sadness, lots of denial until they were released from the hospital-but mostly anger. Anger toward God. Anger toward their mom. Anger toward the hospital social worker and attorney. Anger toward myself. If I could have just said one thing differently. If I could have just convinced her. If, if, if....Since then I've had waves of many emotions, but the primary one is anger.
This time it seems to be different. There's not much denial at this point. Maybe there is a small part of me that hopes she will change her mind once the baby is born, but honestly I don't see that happening. I've definitely had moments of anger, but not at anyone in particular. Just the situation. What I'm experiencing this time is overwhelming sadness. I miss this little girl. I looked at her ultrasound pictures on my fridge every single day. Her presence is missing from my home. The sadness comes and goes. I am still living wonderful moments with my family and soaking up new milestones my boys are reaching. I can function and even enjoy life. God is doing amazing things with my family, leading us in an exciting direction, and providing so much amazing community who have loved us immensely through this. But every once in a while, when I least expect it, the sadness overwhelms me.
I guess this is grief. It's unique to each person and each situation. It has taught me empathy in a way I've never been able to understand before. It reminds me of my emotions, when I want to shut them off and keeps me from becoming numb.
Thank you again, friends, for you love and kind words. And thank you for reading as I process through this grief. I wish I could offer something truly uplifting and inspiring. When words fail me as I pray these words fill my mind. "Be still and know that I am God." He will redeem this pain. He will make something beautiful from this. He is Good. He loves me and He loves those three babies more than I could ever comprehend. And for that I am grateful and have peace.
When we were matched with the twins our family felt so complete. When we "lost" the twins it was terrible. I experienced a great deal of sadness, lots of denial until they were released from the hospital-but mostly anger. Anger toward God. Anger toward their mom. Anger toward the hospital social worker and attorney. Anger toward myself. If I could have just said one thing differently. If I could have just convinced her. If, if, if....Since then I've had waves of many emotions, but the primary one is anger.
This time it seems to be different. There's not much denial at this point. Maybe there is a small part of me that hopes she will change her mind once the baby is born, but honestly I don't see that happening. I've definitely had moments of anger, but not at anyone in particular. Just the situation. What I'm experiencing this time is overwhelming sadness. I miss this little girl. I looked at her ultrasound pictures on my fridge every single day. Her presence is missing from my home. The sadness comes and goes. I am still living wonderful moments with my family and soaking up new milestones my boys are reaching. I can function and even enjoy life. God is doing amazing things with my family, leading us in an exciting direction, and providing so much amazing community who have loved us immensely through this. But every once in a while, when I least expect it, the sadness overwhelms me.
I guess this is grief. It's unique to each person and each situation. It has taught me empathy in a way I've never been able to understand before. It reminds me of my emotions, when I want to shut them off and keeps me from becoming numb.
Thank you again, friends, for you love and kind words. And thank you for reading as I process through this grief. I wish I could offer something truly uplifting and inspiring. When words fail me as I pray these words fill my mind. "Be still and know that I am God." He will redeem this pain. He will make something beautiful from this. He is Good. He loves me and He loves those three babies more than I could ever comprehend. And for that I am grateful and have peace.
Monday, January 23, 2017
He is STILL good.
I found it not a coincidence at all that we sang "King of my heart" in church yesterday. Considering I just wrote a blog on how God will never let us down and how incredibly GOOD He is. Singing was not something I was capable of doing through my tears, especially as I struggled to truly believe this song. But as the voices around me lifted up His name and proclaimed this truth, the Lord began to slowly speak to my heart. Yes, He is still good. Yes, he still loves me. No, He will NEVER let me down. Our worship leader spoke of allowing others in the room to sing these words over us if we were not able. This broke me. Having been given permission to just be in the moment and wrestle through the emotions flooding my heart gave me such relief. I don't have to FEEL good, but I absolutely KNOW that HE is good. The Lord has shown us undeserved blessings these past few days. I can't even list the ways, but He has made His presence known and overwhelmed my heart with His peace.
After my mom told me she heard this song on her way home from visiting us this weekend I had to look it up. These words speak so clearly what I feel I am trying to express right now. Follow the link below to listen to "Thy Will" By Hillary Scott & The Scott Family.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw
Thank you all again for your continued love, support and prayers. They are felt, appreciated and help more than you know.
On a more practical side of this adoption journey: We are "active" with our agency again, meaning we are now being shown to new birth moms. We are hopeful and praying that we are matched quickly. Quickly meaning within a time frame that allows us to finalize an adoption before January 2018 so that we don't have to renew our home study again :)
After my mom told me she heard this song on her way home from visiting us this weekend I had to look it up. These words speak so clearly what I feel I am trying to express right now. Follow the link below to listen to "Thy Will" By Hillary Scott & The Scott Family.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw
Thank you all again for your continued love, support and prayers. They are felt, appreciated and help more than you know.
On a more practical side of this adoption journey: We are "active" with our agency again, meaning we are now being shown to new birth moms. We are hopeful and praying that we are matched quickly. Quickly meaning within a time frame that allows us to finalize an adoption before January 2018 so that we don't have to renew our home study again :)
Thursday, January 19, 2017
The blog I never wanted to write
Yesterday I got a devastating phone call.
Our birth mother, whom we have been matched with since October has decided to parent. Changed her mind. For almost 3 months we planned for and anticipated the arrival of our girl! I was careful, at first, not to get too invested. I loved that little girl and could not WAIT to bring her home. But, I also knew from before that it may not happen and I was careful not to buy too many (but a few!) pink things or put a nursery together. As time went on I became more sure. We had conversations where she talked about this baby girl being ours-mine and Andy's-and her being the boy's sister. We had a name for her. I became confident enough in this situation to allow myself to be all in. I have her beautiful ultrasound on my refrigerator. I have some adorable pink and floral outfits hanging in my guest room closet. I was going to be a mom again.
I am not angry with her. I am actually at peace with the family that this sweet baby girl we have been preparing for will be going home to. They love the Lord and this momma is a beautiful person who genuinely loves her baby girl with a selfless love.
I do, however, feel like my world has been shattered...again. Why must we experience this loss...again? Our family is not complete. I believe this with my entire heart. This is not the end of our adoption journey, this I also believe with my entire heart. The waves of sadness I have experienced since that phone call are intense and somewhat shocking. I'll compare the experiences of loss at a later time, but I can say with absolute certainty that the sadness I am feeling is overwhelming and cuts to the core. My heart literally hurts. I also hurt because we have pulled our family into this journey with us. They did not ask to walk this road, but have jumped in with us and are hurting with us. I'm thankful for that and it kills me all at the same time. We aren't the only ones hurting in this situation and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that we got up the hopes of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...my boys. Ugh...I can't even think of telling my boys.
The Lord has shown me so much love though. He has sent me encouragement through family members and new friends that have offered meals, a comforting ear, shoulder to cry on or to come hang with our boys so Andy and I can take a little time to ourselves and process. A gift of chocolate and gift card to our favorite pizza place that has become our place for celebration and sorrow both (thanks, Jordan!), a class already scheduled at church with a pastor who has walked our path in the most devastating way who loved on and prayed for us (Thanks, Tim!), a friend who spontaneously called Andy to hang out after class (who didn't know yet what had transpired throughout the day-Talon, you're awesome). I am thankful that God is allowing me a clear enough mind to recognize these people and moments as blessings from Him in the midst of heartache.
Hear me now, friends. Although my heart is broken. HE will pick up the pieces, put them back together, and continue writing the beautiful story of our family. I have a renewed hope today and peace that I know can only come from God Almighty. This is not to say the pain is gone, but that He is carrying me through this valley. He speaks to me through music often and this phrase of a certain hymn has been in my mind:
"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."
How powerful are these words? My hope is built on the strongest foundation it can be and while I may falter and question and worry, HE does not. Jesus gave His life so that I may have hope in an eternity in Heaven, where no more tears are shed. He is righteous.
So we will grieve this loss (with a little help from chocolate) and lean on Christ. We will take advantage of the people and situations He puts in our path to help us through. We will be sad and angry and confused and hurt, but we WILL believe in the power of Christ to restore, redeem and make beautiful things from this hurt.
Thank you all for walking this road with us. Your prayers and support are felt and appreciated.
Our birth mother, whom we have been matched with since October has decided to parent. Changed her mind. For almost 3 months we planned for and anticipated the arrival of our girl! I was careful, at first, not to get too invested. I loved that little girl and could not WAIT to bring her home. But, I also knew from before that it may not happen and I was careful not to buy too many (but a few!) pink things or put a nursery together. As time went on I became more sure. We had conversations where she talked about this baby girl being ours-mine and Andy's-and her being the boy's sister. We had a name for her. I became confident enough in this situation to allow myself to be all in. I have her beautiful ultrasound on my refrigerator. I have some adorable pink and floral outfits hanging in my guest room closet. I was going to be a mom again.
I am not angry with her. I am actually at peace with the family that this sweet baby girl we have been preparing for will be going home to. They love the Lord and this momma is a beautiful person who genuinely loves her baby girl with a selfless love.
I do, however, feel like my world has been shattered...again. Why must we experience this loss...again? Our family is not complete. I believe this with my entire heart. This is not the end of our adoption journey, this I also believe with my entire heart. The waves of sadness I have experienced since that phone call are intense and somewhat shocking. I'll compare the experiences of loss at a later time, but I can say with absolute certainty that the sadness I am feeling is overwhelming and cuts to the core. My heart literally hurts. I also hurt because we have pulled our family into this journey with us. They did not ask to walk this road, but have jumped in with us and are hurting with us. I'm thankful for that and it kills me all at the same time. We aren't the only ones hurting in this situation and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that we got up the hopes of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...my boys. Ugh...I can't even think of telling my boys.
The Lord has shown me so much love though. He has sent me encouragement through family members and new friends that have offered meals, a comforting ear, shoulder to cry on or to come hang with our boys so Andy and I can take a little time to ourselves and process. A gift of chocolate and gift card to our favorite pizza place that has become our place for celebration and sorrow both (thanks, Jordan!), a class already scheduled at church with a pastor who has walked our path in the most devastating way who loved on and prayed for us (Thanks, Tim!), a friend who spontaneously called Andy to hang out after class (who didn't know yet what had transpired throughout the day-Talon, you're awesome). I am thankful that God is allowing me a clear enough mind to recognize these people and moments as blessings from Him in the midst of heartache.
Hear me now, friends. Although my heart is broken. HE will pick up the pieces, put them back together, and continue writing the beautiful story of our family. I have a renewed hope today and peace that I know can only come from God Almighty. This is not to say the pain is gone, but that He is carrying me through this valley. He speaks to me through music often and this phrase of a certain hymn has been in my mind:
"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."
How powerful are these words? My hope is built on the strongest foundation it can be and while I may falter and question and worry, HE does not. Jesus gave His life so that I may have hope in an eternity in Heaven, where no more tears are shed. He is righteous.
So we will grieve this loss (with a little help from chocolate) and lean on Christ. We will take advantage of the people and situations He puts in our path to help us through. We will be sad and angry and confused and hurt, but we WILL believe in the power of Christ to restore, redeem and make beautiful things from this hurt.
Thank you all for walking this road with us. Your prayers and support are felt and appreciated.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
He is GOOD
The past couple of weeks have had me emotionally all over the place. We are in the midst of updating our home study...for the 5th time (not including addendums). While this may seem exciting because we are preparing to bring home our baby girl it has become a bit of a struggle for me.
It is what it is.
It's part of the process.
It's the "pregnant" part of adoption.
It's one step closer.
These are all things that can be said to relieve the frustration, but if I'm totally honest it's not enough anymore. My reliance on The Lord to sustain me in this has had to increase more than ever before.
Because...we may not get to bring her home. We know all to well the reality of this. As one year came and went from the time we should have been bringing home twins, this set in once more. Grief is a process I'm learning isn't a one track thing. You don't go through the steps and move on. They come and go. And anger is certainly an emotion that comes and goes for me in this journey.
Anger that we lost "our" babies.
Anger that the situation they went home to is not what I would want for them.
Anger that this entire process is long, exhausting and expensive.
Anger that we have had to be fingerprinted 5 times, when fingerprints don't change.
Anger that we have to be "approved" in order to parent.
BUT...this past weekend I was visiting my "home" church and we sang a song that I've heard many times. We sing it at our church in KC and it's always been great. However, this weekend it hit me differently. Apparently I wasn't the only one because when it was over, Pastor asked the band to play it again.
King of My Heart
Let the king of my heart be
The mountain when I run
The fountain I drink from, oh
He is my song
Let the king of my heart be
The shadow where I hide,
The ransom for my life, oh
He is my song
You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh
Let the king of my heart be
The wind beneath my sails,
The anchor in my waves, oh
He is my song
Let the king of my heart be
The fire inside my veins
And the echo of my days, oh
He is my song
Bridge:
You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down
As we sang this song, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't help but cry out to God. He will be the anchor in my waves, He will be the wind beneath my sails. He is GOOD and will NEVER let me down. It's in worship that I most often think of the twins. A lot of times I disconnect or redirect my thoughts because it hurts too much, but this time I let the words permeate and the Holy Spirit reminded me that not only will He never let ME down, but he will most certainly NEVER let THEM down. He loves them intensely and wholly. It was not my time to parent them, but he will always be their father and He is good.
Even when doubt fills my mind about this precious little girl growing in another momma's womb, I am reminded through the words of this song that my God is Good and will sustain whatever comes my way. As we prepare for our home visit tomorrow He will provide the emotional and mental strength to walk through this paperwork process (hopefully, just!) one more time. He has and will continue to provide the funds. He will affirm my ability to parent and love in the little moments each day with my boys. He will never let me down. He will give me what I need, each moment, to walk this path He has called us into and it will be WORTH IT!
This time of year can be hard for many. Those who have lost a friend, parent, or child, those who are hurting in hope of a sweet life that has yet to come, those who are suffering from a pay cut or loss of job, those who are lonely or suffering from illness or pain. Please find hope in knowing that our God is Good and He will "Never leave you, nor forsake you."
He is Good
He will never let us down.
r gonna let me downBb
It is what it is.
It's part of the process.
It's the "pregnant" part of adoption.
It's one step closer.
These are all things that can be said to relieve the frustration, but if I'm totally honest it's not enough anymore. My reliance on The Lord to sustain me in this has had to increase more than ever before.
Because...we may not get to bring her home. We know all to well the reality of this. As one year came and went from the time we should have been bringing home twins, this set in once more. Grief is a process I'm learning isn't a one track thing. You don't go through the steps and move on. They come and go. And anger is certainly an emotion that comes and goes for me in this journey.
Anger that we lost "our" babies.
Anger that the situation they went home to is not what I would want for them.
Anger that this entire process is long, exhausting and expensive.
Anger that we have had to be fingerprinted 5 times, when fingerprints don't change.
Anger that we have to be "approved" in order to parent.
BUT...this past weekend I was visiting my "home" church and we sang a song that I've heard many times. We sing it at our church in KC and it's always been great. However, this weekend it hit me differently. Apparently I wasn't the only one because when it was over, Pastor asked the band to play it again.
King of My Heart
Let the king of my heart be
The mountain when I run
The fountain I drink from, oh
He is my song
Let the king of my heart be
The shadow where I hide,
The ransom for my life, oh
He is my song
You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh
Let the king of my heart be
The wind beneath my sails,
The anchor in my waves, oh
He is my song
Let the king of my heart be
The fire inside my veins
And the echo of my days, oh
He is my song
Bridge:
You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down
You're never gonna let,
Never gonna let me down
As we sang this song, my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't help but cry out to God. He will be the anchor in my waves, He will be the wind beneath my sails. He is GOOD and will NEVER let me down. It's in worship that I most often think of the twins. A lot of times I disconnect or redirect my thoughts because it hurts too much, but this time I let the words permeate and the Holy Spirit reminded me that not only will He never let ME down, but he will most certainly NEVER let THEM down. He loves them intensely and wholly. It was not my time to parent them, but he will always be their father and He is good.
Even when doubt fills my mind about this precious little girl growing in another momma's womb, I am reminded through the words of this song that my God is Good and will sustain whatever comes my way. As we prepare for our home visit tomorrow He will provide the emotional and mental strength to walk through this paperwork process (hopefully, just!) one more time. He has and will continue to provide the funds. He will affirm my ability to parent and love in the little moments each day with my boys. He will never let me down. He will give me what I need, each moment, to walk this path He has called us into and it will be WORTH IT!
This time of year can be hard for many. Those who have lost a friend, parent, or child, those who are hurting in hope of a sweet life that has yet to come, those who are suffering from a pay cut or loss of job, those who are lonely or suffering from illness or pain. Please find hope in knowing that our God is Good and He will "Never leave you, nor forsake you."
He is Good
He will never let us down.
r gonna let me downBb
Monday, November 14, 2016
Hope
Whew! It's been a while :) I feel like I start every blog entry with something along those lines! Consistency is not my strong suit with this blog, but I do want to get some thoughts and feelings down every once in a while and hopefully encourage a few of you along the way!
Life has been a series of crazy events the past few months and it's been a little hard to keep up! To recap:
Andy left his job, started a new job, we left our church, joined a new church, jumped into the world of church planting, sold our house, moved in with my in-laws for 2 months, bought a new (super old!) house, renovated said house and finally moved in this past weekend! Goodness!
In the midst of all of this we also got "the call!" We had a birth mother interested in us! After getting some info that afternoon, we spoke with H (as I will call her here) that evening. The amount of peace that swelled up within Andy and I was amazing. She is such a sweet girl and when I talk with her I feel like I'm talking to my little sister. We text often and are looking forward to meeting face to face....NEXT WEEK!
That's right! Next Sunday we will travel to her hometown, 8 hours away, and spend the evening with her. Monday we will go to her ultrasound with her! Yes! We get to see our baby girl and hear her heart beat in person! I can't wait!
The devil has this was of ruining some of these joy filled moments though, doesn't he? He tries to steal our joy by allowing fear, insecurity, pain, worry, anxiety, etc creep in and overwhelm our hearts and minds. It's a battle sometimes, to fight those negative thoughts and keep them at bay. Despite having had a disrupted adoption a year ago, I am daily, sometimes hourly, choosing joy and HOPE. I had a friend remind me at the beginning of this journey that we have a God of hope. We have a responsibility to choose to hope in the sovereignty of The Lord! And HE has been incredible in providing peace, joy and HOPE theses past few weeks. There are many weeks to go until baby girl makes her appearance in March and I know there will be moments of fear, days of worry, times where anxiety and doubt creep in. But I also know that my God is bigger. His plan is perfect and He will see us through this, no matter how things end up.
So throughout this journey, I will choose hope.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Spirit lead me
Wait.
Be still.
Wait.
Pray.
Wait.
Praise.
Wait.
So. much. waiting.
When Andy and I make a decision about where we are going in life and what we are doing we tend to want to execute that plan immediately. We are not good at holding in the reigns and being patient. When we decided that we would grow our family through adoption, I jumped online and began researching agencies right away. I found a reputable agency in our area that would allow us to apply before I reached age 25. At that time there were not many that allowed this so I was super excited. Then we, idealistically, thought we would be matched quickly and begin our journey as parents. "Wait," said God. Wait 3 years. (While we did not have to wait 3 years to become parents, we did have to wait 3 years to be chosen and watch our sweet Timothy enter this world) Then we thought in 6 months we could finalize and a judge would declare him our son forever. "Wait," again. For 1 year I lived without that declaration. We know our family isn't complete, and have continued to WAIT again for a birth mother and/or father to choose us. HIS timing is perfect, but that does not change the fact that the heart aches for it's desires.
Months ago, when The Lord planted the idea of starting a church in our hearts we were excited, scared and anxious to begin that journey. However, we had no idea how that would look. Where will we be trained? Will we have to raise support? Will we have to move cities? States? When can we start? "Wait," said the Lord. Again. So we waited. For months we waited. Then, in this short period of 48 hours God said "Here you go! Here's your opportunity! Here's the door you need to walk through. Now will you follow? Will you sacrifice?"So we walked. And in a matter of days Andy had accepted the position that had been offered to him, informed the leadership at church of the decision, made an exit plan, decided to downsize in order to make this all work, found a house (again, thank you Jesus!) and made a verbal desire with the seller (who is a friend who lives in Latin American as a missionary and just "happens" to be stateside, here in KC right now), began sorting through what we will keep and what we will sell and listed our house. All so we can wait. AGAIN! I'm guess there's a lesson I need to learn here :) Ha! We need to wait for our house to sell before we can execute the purchase of our friend's house.
My desire to control goes into overdrive in times like this. Short time frame. Sense of urgency. I have to TRUST. So The Lord keeps frequently bringing to mind the words "Wait. Be Still. Know that I am God." Oh, what peace comes from that last part. I cannot even begin to tell you how confident I am that this transition is ordained by God and we are walking the exact path He desires us to be on right now. There is an old hymn that says "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." Oh how true this is! I could spend lots of words explaining all of the "coincidences" that have occurred, but that would be excessive. To see God reveal Himself and His plan so clearly has been very cool to experience. However, I still wonder. I still question. The desire I have to control things is overwhelming at times and I find myself frequently repeating those words to myself "Be Still." Something I don't do well.
While we walk this path of church plant training, starting a church, seeking another adoption match, selling our home, moving into our new one I will strive to choose every moment of every day to trust in Jesus. But I am far from perfect, so I may need a reminder every now and then!
About 9 months ago, when were walking through the disruption of the twins adoption I sang these words with my whole, prayerful heart. I believed at that time (and still believe it's part of it) that those words were related to the wonderfully terrifying world of adoption. Now I think it's more than that...
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
WHEREVER YOU MAY CALL ME
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
That my faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.
Be still.
Wait.
Pray.
Wait.
Praise.
Wait.
So. much. waiting.
When Andy and I make a decision about where we are going in life and what we are doing we tend to want to execute that plan immediately. We are not good at holding in the reigns and being patient. When we decided that we would grow our family through adoption, I jumped online and began researching agencies right away. I found a reputable agency in our area that would allow us to apply before I reached age 25. At that time there were not many that allowed this so I was super excited. Then we, idealistically, thought we would be matched quickly and begin our journey as parents. "Wait," said God. Wait 3 years. (While we did not have to wait 3 years to become parents, we did have to wait 3 years to be chosen and watch our sweet Timothy enter this world) Then we thought in 6 months we could finalize and a judge would declare him our son forever. "Wait," again. For 1 year I lived without that declaration. We know our family isn't complete, and have continued to WAIT again for a birth mother and/or father to choose us. HIS timing is perfect, but that does not change the fact that the heart aches for it's desires.
Months ago, when The Lord planted the idea of starting a church in our hearts we were excited, scared and anxious to begin that journey. However, we had no idea how that would look. Where will we be trained? Will we have to raise support? Will we have to move cities? States? When can we start? "Wait," said the Lord. Again. So we waited. For months we waited. Then, in this short period of 48 hours God said "Here you go! Here's your opportunity! Here's the door you need to walk through. Now will you follow? Will you sacrifice?"So we walked. And in a matter of days Andy had accepted the position that had been offered to him, informed the leadership at church of the decision, made an exit plan, decided to downsize in order to make this all work, found a house (again, thank you Jesus!) and made a verbal desire with the seller (who is a friend who lives in Latin American as a missionary and just "happens" to be stateside, here in KC right now), began sorting through what we will keep and what we will sell and listed our house. All so we can wait. AGAIN! I'm guess there's a lesson I need to learn here :) Ha! We need to wait for our house to sell before we can execute the purchase of our friend's house.
My desire to control goes into overdrive in times like this. Short time frame. Sense of urgency. I have to TRUST. So The Lord keeps frequently bringing to mind the words "Wait. Be Still. Know that I am God." Oh, what peace comes from that last part. I cannot even begin to tell you how confident I am that this transition is ordained by God and we are walking the exact path He desires us to be on right now. There is an old hymn that says "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus." Oh how true this is! I could spend lots of words explaining all of the "coincidences" that have occurred, but that would be excessive. To see God reveal Himself and His plan so clearly has been very cool to experience. However, I still wonder. I still question. The desire I have to control things is overwhelming at times and I find myself frequently repeating those words to myself "Be Still." Something I don't do well.
While we walk this path of church plant training, starting a church, seeking another adoption match, selling our home, moving into our new one I will strive to choose every moment of every day to trust in Jesus. But I am far from perfect, so I may need a reminder every now and then!
About 9 months ago, when were walking through the disruption of the twins adoption I sang these words with my whole, prayerful heart. I believed at that time (and still believe it's part of it) that those words were related to the wonderfully terrifying world of adoption. Now I think it's more than that...
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
WHEREVER YOU MAY CALL ME
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
That my faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my savior.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Is adoption really our calling?
I haven't written any updates in a while. Mostly because there hasn't been much to update on. In general life is pretty hectic, but we are having fun and pressing on towards the goals we believe God has given us.
Obviously, adoption is one of those goals! I have to be honest; after the disruption of our twins adoption I began to question if this was really the case for us. Is this really what God wants us to be pursuing? Maybe we are supposed to be involved in another way? I actually asked the "If God is truly good..." question. There has been a lot of soul searching, praying, questioning, crying, wondering, maybe even a little yelling and an occasional pity party. But at the end of the day, this calling is clear.
There are birth mothers who are in a myriad of situations all over this country. These brave women are making one of the hardest decisions of their life, out of LOVE for the life growing inside them. Sometimes they have a support system of friends or family who love them through this decision. Sometimes they are completely alone. Either way, they have chosen LIFE for their baby. For whatever reasons they choose to place their baby, it's not an easy decision. Our job is to show love to these ladies, no matter their circumstances. No matter the pain we experience by choosing to love them. I mean, how many times do we hurt Jesus, yet he loves us...unconditionally. The bible says "By this shall all me know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Love. I can't say I'm always good at this, but The Lord is working on me :) At the end of the day if I speak with a birth mother she should (and hopefully does!) feel exactly that from me.
And these women, who have every right in the world to CHOOSE to place their babies, are going to birth precious, innocent little ones who need parents to love them unconditionally. To provide a home full of safety, security, love, and hope. Hopefully a family who will do what they can to cultivate a healthy relationship between child and birth parents.
There are couples, like ours, who have a great desire to grow their family. Some because they cannot have biological children, some because they simply desire to adopt. Either way, the extreme love they (we) have for these momma's and their babies is intense. And in the end we all want these children to grow up knowing and experiencing this love first hand.
This is enough for me to know that we have been called to grow our family through adoption. The ups and downs, the weight of waiting day in and out, the hope and disappointment, the joy and pain. Adoption is beautiful and tragic, but our God redeems and restores. We are to be a vessel for Him to do just that.
So we press on, and we keep waiting, and we keep choosing to love from afar until the day we are chosen by a birth mother and can love up close.
Obviously, adoption is one of those goals! I have to be honest; after the disruption of our twins adoption I began to question if this was really the case for us. Is this really what God wants us to be pursuing? Maybe we are supposed to be involved in another way? I actually asked the "If God is truly good..." question. There has been a lot of soul searching, praying, questioning, crying, wondering, maybe even a little yelling and an occasional pity party. But at the end of the day, this calling is clear.
There are birth mothers who are in a myriad of situations all over this country. These brave women are making one of the hardest decisions of their life, out of LOVE for the life growing inside them. Sometimes they have a support system of friends or family who love them through this decision. Sometimes they are completely alone. Either way, they have chosen LIFE for their baby. For whatever reasons they choose to place their baby, it's not an easy decision. Our job is to show love to these ladies, no matter their circumstances. No matter the pain we experience by choosing to love them. I mean, how many times do we hurt Jesus, yet he loves us...unconditionally. The bible says "By this shall all me know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Love. I can't say I'm always good at this, but The Lord is working on me :) At the end of the day if I speak with a birth mother she should (and hopefully does!) feel exactly that from me.
And these women, who have every right in the world to CHOOSE to place their babies, are going to birth precious, innocent little ones who need parents to love them unconditionally. To provide a home full of safety, security, love, and hope. Hopefully a family who will do what they can to cultivate a healthy relationship between child and birth parents.
There are couples, like ours, who have a great desire to grow their family. Some because they cannot have biological children, some because they simply desire to adopt. Either way, the extreme love they (we) have for these momma's and their babies is intense. And in the end we all want these children to grow up knowing and experiencing this love first hand.
This is enough for me to know that we have been called to grow our family through adoption. The ups and downs, the weight of waiting day in and out, the hope and disappointment, the joy and pain. Adoption is beautiful and tragic, but our God redeems and restores. We are to be a vessel for Him to do just that.
So we press on, and we keep waiting, and we keep choosing to love from afar until the day we are chosen by a birth mother and can love up close.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
6 month birthday
The twins will be 6 months old on April 3.
That weekend was such a whirlwind. We traveled to Branson for the wedding of sweet friends. Andy performed the ceremony, the boys were ring bearers. On April 2nd Timothy fell while playing outside and cut open his chin, leaving a nice scar and band aid accessory for the wedding. The morning of the 3rd Josiah ran into a tree branch overhanging a walking trail and had a nice swollen/bruised/slightly bloody eye to go with his adorable suspenders and bow tie. My momma heart was breaking for my boys' hurts and I was mentally preparing to leave them for 24 hours to go meet my other babies' birth mother. I had not heard from her for a couple of days and was worried, but remained hopeful that once we got to Atlanta I would meet her face to face and ease her mind about her decision to place those precious babies with our family. The emotions of that weekend flood my heart every time I go back there.
So this Sunday the babies I thought would be ours will turn 6 months old. I have never seen their sweet faces. Never held their little hands or felt their fingers wrap around mine. They are somewhere else, with someone else. I pray they are loved. I pray they are taken care of, snuggled, rocked to sleep, and feel safe. I pray someday they learn of the hope of Jesus. Sometimes it feels like they were born ages ago and other times it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I dream about them. Sometimes I even hope for a moment that my phone will ring and I'll be asked to get on a plane and go get them. I miss them in moments that hit me out of the blue. Running errands, going to the gym, getting ready for church. The little moments of day to day life that I had allowed myself to picture with 4 little ones in tow.
Many have asked about progress regarding our next adoption. At this point we are still waiting for a birth mother to choose us. I look at Timothy and I know it's worth it. The wait is worth it. The weight of the waiting is worth it. There is hope in knowing that we are following the path we feel God has led us on. In my moments of sadness and grief I am also reminded of the goodness of my Lord. The hope we have in Him.
The Lord is using this time for a purpose and I cling to verses that speak of waiting. There is hope...
Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the Lord, and He turned to me, and heard my cry.
Isaiah 40: 31
But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.
Psalm 37: 4-5
Delight thyself also in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit thy way to the Lord, trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.
I am thankful for this journey and while I am most definitely ready for it to be over; have our next little one home and snuggled up on my chest, I know there is purpose in each moment and it is not wasted. There are two precious lives that we can pray for. Two little ones who are loved from afar. A mother, who chose to parent her children, that we can pray for as she moves forward with life.
We covet your prayers for the twins and their mom. We covet your prayers for us as we continue to wait and see how God writes this story.
That weekend was such a whirlwind. We traveled to Branson for the wedding of sweet friends. Andy performed the ceremony, the boys were ring bearers. On April 2nd Timothy fell while playing outside and cut open his chin, leaving a nice scar and band aid accessory for the wedding. The morning of the 3rd Josiah ran into a tree branch overhanging a walking trail and had a nice swollen/bruised/slightly bloody eye to go with his adorable suspenders and bow tie. My momma heart was breaking for my boys' hurts and I was mentally preparing to leave them for 24 hours to go meet my other babies' birth mother. I had not heard from her for a couple of days and was worried, but remained hopeful that once we got to Atlanta I would meet her face to face and ease her mind about her decision to place those precious babies with our family. The emotions of that weekend flood my heart every time I go back there.
So this Sunday the babies I thought would be ours will turn 6 months old. I have never seen their sweet faces. Never held their little hands or felt their fingers wrap around mine. They are somewhere else, with someone else. I pray they are loved. I pray they are taken care of, snuggled, rocked to sleep, and feel safe. I pray someday they learn of the hope of Jesus. Sometimes it feels like they were born ages ago and other times it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I dream about them. Sometimes I even hope for a moment that my phone will ring and I'll be asked to get on a plane and go get them. I miss them in moments that hit me out of the blue. Running errands, going to the gym, getting ready for church. The little moments of day to day life that I had allowed myself to picture with 4 little ones in tow.
Many have asked about progress regarding our next adoption. At this point we are still waiting for a birth mother to choose us. I look at Timothy and I know it's worth it. The wait is worth it. The weight of the waiting is worth it. There is hope in knowing that we are following the path we feel God has led us on. In my moments of sadness and grief I am also reminded of the goodness of my Lord. The hope we have in Him.
The Lord is using this time for a purpose and I cling to verses that speak of waiting. There is hope...
Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the Lord, and He turned to me, and heard my cry.
Isaiah 40: 31
But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint.
Psalm 37: 4-5
Delight thyself also in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit thy way to the Lord, trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.
I am thankful for this journey and while I am most definitely ready for it to be over; have our next little one home and snuggled up on my chest, I know there is purpose in each moment and it is not wasted. There are two precious lives that we can pray for. Two little ones who are loved from afar. A mother, who chose to parent her children, that we can pray for as she moves forward with life.
We covet your prayers for the twins and their mom. We covet your prayers for us as we continue to wait and see how God writes this story.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
This is a question I've been asked many times over the past few weeks. One I'm honestly not quite sure how to answer anymore. It's difficult to explain adoption loss. I've never experienced the loss of a biological child and most people have a way of understand the loss of a birth mother when she chooses to place her child. Many will say these precious babies were never mine to begin with. How can you love someone you've never met? They BELONG with their mother. I'm not here to argue these statements, but would love to share my heart as an adoptive mom who is grieving a "disrupted adoption."
When we were still in "limbo" as I've titled our time between learning the babies were born and learning that our birth mother had, in fact, gone to get them. There are many details that I would like to share in order to fully explain the depth of what this past month has been like. During the weeks the twins were in the NICU communication with our birth mother was intermittent and it was hard to come by solid facts as to their condition and how often they were visited. In my heart, those sweet babies were my children. Every single day I thought about them, prayed for them, cried out to The Lord that they would be safe, that the nurses would give them a little extra love, that He would make them feel safe and loved. My heart broke that these tiny, precious lives didn't have their mommy to hold them, stroke their backs and hands, sing them songs, comfort them when they cried. I didn't know, and still do not, what that time was like for them. BUT, there was hope. Hope that 20 little fingers, 20 little toes, 4 beautiful eyes, 4 tiny feet, 4 precious hands, 2 miraculous babies would be coming home. Guardedly, I allowed myself to picture our family of four, become a family of six. Thanksgiving was going to be crazy, loud and exhausting with 4 children 4 and under hanging around :) And it was going to be beautiful to have my family complete. From the moment we got "the call" I started dreaming of life with them. I also started dreaming of life FOR them. A life where they were loved by many, safe, protected, had family, friends, a church, and were introduced to Jesus. A life where they would know the love of two mothers: the one who gave them life and the one they lived life with. Would they be athletic? Musical? Spunky? Quiet? Comedic? Dramatic? Rule followers or line pushers?
So, during "limbo" when people asked me "How are you doing?" I could answer honestly with "I'm doing ok. It's not over till it's over, and it's not over yet." I had hope.
Now, I'm not so sure how to answer. I still don't know how the twins are doing. I spoke with their mom one time after she brought them home and did not get much information about how they were doing as it was a pretty short conversation. Doing my best to hold it together after she told me she had gone to get them, I ended the conversation pretty quickly. Not knowing is terrible. I still love them. A part of me always will. They were put in my life to cover in prayer, so that is what I will do. I may never know how their lives turn out and I'm working on being ok with that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. My heart aches at their absence. What I would give to be exhausted because two infants are up all night. What I would give to snuggle them up. To feel their baby skin on my cheek, to have my nose tickled by little baby hairs. To "wear" two babies in a moby wrap, while putting Timothy in a cart and letting Josiah stand on the back while I grocery shop. To haul them into church every Sunday and hope to make it through worship before one of them wakes up. I feel as if a piece of my heart is with two little people I will never meet and I miss them every moment. Life goes on though. I have two adorable little boys to mother, a husband who needs his wife, a house to keep, bills to pay, life to live. God is so good in giving me grace to do these things. He sustains me when I am weak with grief. He sends me reminders just when I need them of how His hand is in this. He is with me in my pain, with the babies as they grow, with their mom as she (hopefully!) learns how to parent. I have said through this past month that God is bigger and He most definitely is.
2 Cor. 12:9- "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness"
I can say with absolute certainty that I have never felt more weak in my entire life than I have over the past month. No control. No plan. Nothing. And I can say with absolute certainty that HIS grace is sufficient. So while my heart hurts and at times I am more angry than I have been my entire life, HE holds me up. HE sustains me. He give me GRACE beyond measure.
So, if you ask me this question I may stumble over my answer. My eyes may fill with tears. I may say I'm fine. I'm good. I'm alright....It depends on the moment. But know this: God is good. God is faithful.
This is a question I've been asked many times over the past few weeks. One I'm honestly not quite sure how to answer anymore. It's difficult to explain adoption loss. I've never experienced the loss of a biological child and most people have a way of understand the loss of a birth mother when she chooses to place her child. Many will say these precious babies were never mine to begin with. How can you love someone you've never met? They BELONG with their mother. I'm not here to argue these statements, but would love to share my heart as an adoptive mom who is grieving a "disrupted adoption."
When we were still in "limbo" as I've titled our time between learning the babies were born and learning that our birth mother had, in fact, gone to get them. There are many details that I would like to share in order to fully explain the depth of what this past month has been like. During the weeks the twins were in the NICU communication with our birth mother was intermittent and it was hard to come by solid facts as to their condition and how often they were visited. In my heart, those sweet babies were my children. Every single day I thought about them, prayed for them, cried out to The Lord that they would be safe, that the nurses would give them a little extra love, that He would make them feel safe and loved. My heart broke that these tiny, precious lives didn't have their mommy to hold them, stroke their backs and hands, sing them songs, comfort them when they cried. I didn't know, and still do not, what that time was like for them. BUT, there was hope. Hope that 20 little fingers, 20 little toes, 4 beautiful eyes, 4 tiny feet, 4 precious hands, 2 miraculous babies would be coming home. Guardedly, I allowed myself to picture our family of four, become a family of six. Thanksgiving was going to be crazy, loud and exhausting with 4 children 4 and under hanging around :) And it was going to be beautiful to have my family complete. From the moment we got "the call" I started dreaming of life with them. I also started dreaming of life FOR them. A life where they were loved by many, safe, protected, had family, friends, a church, and were introduced to Jesus. A life where they would know the love of two mothers: the one who gave them life and the one they lived life with. Would they be athletic? Musical? Spunky? Quiet? Comedic? Dramatic? Rule followers or line pushers?
So, during "limbo" when people asked me "How are you doing?" I could answer honestly with "I'm doing ok. It's not over till it's over, and it's not over yet." I had hope.
Now, I'm not so sure how to answer. I still don't know how the twins are doing. I spoke with their mom one time after she brought them home and did not get much information about how they were doing as it was a pretty short conversation. Doing my best to hold it together after she told me she had gone to get them, I ended the conversation pretty quickly. Not knowing is terrible. I still love them. A part of me always will. They were put in my life to cover in prayer, so that is what I will do. I may never know how their lives turn out and I'm working on being ok with that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. My heart aches at their absence. What I would give to be exhausted because two infants are up all night. What I would give to snuggle them up. To feel their baby skin on my cheek, to have my nose tickled by little baby hairs. To "wear" two babies in a moby wrap, while putting Timothy in a cart and letting Josiah stand on the back while I grocery shop. To haul them into church every Sunday and hope to make it through worship before one of them wakes up. I feel as if a piece of my heart is with two little people I will never meet and I miss them every moment. Life goes on though. I have two adorable little boys to mother, a husband who needs his wife, a house to keep, bills to pay, life to live. God is so good in giving me grace to do these things. He sustains me when I am weak with grief. He sends me reminders just when I need them of how His hand is in this. He is with me in my pain, with the babies as they grow, with their mom as she (hopefully!) learns how to parent. I have said through this past month that God is bigger and He most definitely is.
2 Cor. 12:9- "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness"
I can say with absolute certainty that I have never felt more weak in my entire life than I have over the past month. No control. No plan. Nothing. And I can say with absolute certainty that HIS grace is sufficient. So while my heart hurts and at times I am more angry than I have been my entire life, HE holds me up. HE sustains me. He give me GRACE beyond measure.
So, if you ask me this question I may stumble over my answer. My eyes may fill with tears. I may say I'm fine. I'm good. I'm alright....It depends on the moment. But know this: God is good. God is faithful.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Double Blessings
I have had 3 dreams over the past few months in which we are handed twin girls. We've joked about the possibility. How fun that would be. How crazy that would be. But in the back of my mind I knew that the chances of twins was slim. Not many twins are placed for adoption each year so the odds were not in favor of our being matched with multiples and I really thought we would just be getting one baby.
Last Wednesday on my way to take Andy lunch my phone rang. It was Andy and I figured he was just checking to see how close I was because he was hungry! Wrong! He told me he had just spoken with our agency and had been chosen by a birth mother. Expecting twins. Due in about 6 weeks!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!! We quickly made arrangements to talk to this birth mother and after speaking for over an hour mutually decided to move forward with our match. On Friday we received all paperwork from our agency, began process for retaining an attorney in her state, and started researching new cars to fit our whole family!
So here's the situation:
Twins
Due Nov 12 (will probably come sooner)
Will be born in Atlanta, GA area
Do not know gender
Expected to stay in Atlanta area for about a week after leaving the hospital with babies
Not expected to have birth father issues
In addition:
God answered my prayers for a match before the end of the year!
We had not had time to make a video yet and this was stressing me out so I am SO thankful He took care of that detail!!
This due date does not interfere with any major family events (woo hoo!!!)
We have an amazing attorney in GA
We have friends in Atlanta as well as very close friends just 3 hours away
Please be in prayer for:
The twins health: that they weigh enough, lungs are developed & kidneys functioning properly
That the babies don't come more than 3 weeks early
The birth mother's health and peace of mind
For support for our birth mother (emotional, physical, spiritual...she is very alone in life)
For connections in Atlanta
Wisdom as we search out a new vehicle
Finances as we prep for 2 babies instead of 1
Our boys as we prepare them for this immense change
Our families as they care for our boys while we are away
Smooth transition
**If you would like to contribute to our adoption fund, find the link below**
https://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Last Wednesday on my way to take Andy lunch my phone rang. It was Andy and I figured he was just checking to see how close I was because he was hungry! Wrong! He told me he had just spoken with our agency and had been chosen by a birth mother. Expecting twins. Due in about 6 weeks!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!! We quickly made arrangements to talk to this birth mother and after speaking for over an hour mutually decided to move forward with our match. On Friday we received all paperwork from our agency, began process for retaining an attorney in her state, and started researching new cars to fit our whole family!
So here's the situation:
Twins
Due Nov 12 (will probably come sooner)
Will be born in Atlanta, GA area
Do not know gender
Expected to stay in Atlanta area for about a week after leaving the hospital with babies
Not expected to have birth father issues
In addition:
God answered my prayers for a match before the end of the year!
We had not had time to make a video yet and this was stressing me out so I am SO thankful He took care of that detail!!
This due date does not interfere with any major family events (woo hoo!!!)
We have an amazing attorney in GA
We have friends in Atlanta as well as very close friends just 3 hours away
Please be in prayer for:
The twins health: that they weigh enough, lungs are developed & kidneys functioning properly
That the babies don't come more than 3 weeks early
The birth mother's health and peace of mind
For support for our birth mother (emotional, physical, spiritual...she is very alone in life)
For connections in Atlanta
Wisdom as we search out a new vehicle
Finances as we prep for 2 babies instead of 1
Our boys as we prepare them for this immense change
Our families as they care for our boys while we are away
Smooth transition
**If you would like to contribute to our adoption fund, find the link below**
https://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mother's Day
I find that each year on this day I become more and more reflective and emotional. The Lord has blessed me with such amazing women to honor as mothers and I am unbelievably grateful for that blessing. So bear with me as I share my thoughts with you about these fantastic women.
For 3 years now I have also had the privilege of being a mother myself, and the weight of that is not lost on me. My children are such a source of joy every single day. Tiring? Yes. Trying? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. But oh the fun we have! The giggles. The hugs. The playfulness. The love. The innocence. The hope. The JOY! My heart could burst as I think of those sweet boys sleeping (or rather, playing at this moment) upstairs. I have the absolute best job in the entire world and wouldn't change it for anything! This day also causes me to evaluate how I am doing with this job. Am I training them to be kind, loving, compassionate boys who know how much Jesus loves them? Am I raising them to be men of God who will impact the world in an amazing way? I cannot forget the end goal. The day to day can get redundant, but it's the small moments in the day in and out that add up to creating men who will use their lives for The Lord.
I also have those moments thinking on my relationship with my own mother and how I hope to nurture that same relationship with my own children. Her wisdom, patience, kindness, attentiveness, compassion and love overflows and I pray I can emulate those qualities. I had the privilege of living in the same town as her for several years before moving away and could drive across town for a quick lunch hour and catch up or run errands on a random Saturday. I took for granted that proximity and have often felt an overwhelming sense of sadness over the past few months since moving away that I am unable to just make a quick drive across town for some face to face time with this amazing woman. Words cannot express how thankful I am that she and my dad were able to be with us for Mother's Day this year. Though the trip was short, there is nothing like a mom's hug and encouragement.
There is an amazing woman who lives just 3 minutes from my driveway. My mother-in-love is the best! Her giving, selfless spirit and genuine desire to know me, my heart and my family is overwhelming. I often hear people complain about their mom-in-law and am so very grateful for our relationship. Her unconditional love and willingness to always help out in whatever way she can is rare and refreshing and does not go unnoticed. In this transition to KC, she has gone out of her way to make me feel at home and ease the difficulties of transitioning into a "new" city. I am one blessed daughter-in-law.
I am also blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, who I can call any time for any reason and she will stop and talk with me. I cherish the times we have together, though not as often any more. Living in town, I frequently stopped by their home to walk their neighborhood or for lunch and ended up talking for hours sometimes. She is one of the most selfless people I know, bending over backwards to help anyone in our family. She spends countless hours choosing the perfect card or the perfect gift to give. Her thoughtfulness, love and desire to provide for our family is astounding and worth aspiring to. I only hope that I can show that same love to the generations to come from my own little family.
Lastly, my thoughts drift often on this day to Timothy's birth mother. Her choosing adoption for him was difficult and heartbreaking. The pain she felt in placing him in my arms before leaving the hospital was very real. She cared for him for 9 months as he grew, felt his kicks and saw his first pictures on the ultrasound. I am forever grateful to her for loving him enough to place him with us.
I guess if I'm being honest, she isn't my last thought. There is another woman who has crossed my mind many times this weekend. She is birth mother of our future child (ren). Where is she? What must she be going through right now? Is she afraid? Does she have support? Does she know she is loved?
I am thankful for each of these women and the enormous impact they have on my life. So, Happy Mother's Day!
For 3 years now I have also had the privilege of being a mother myself, and the weight of that is not lost on me. My children are such a source of joy every single day. Tiring? Yes. Trying? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. But oh the fun we have! The giggles. The hugs. The playfulness. The love. The innocence. The hope. The JOY! My heart could burst as I think of those sweet boys sleeping (or rather, playing at this moment) upstairs. I have the absolute best job in the entire world and wouldn't change it for anything! This day also causes me to evaluate how I am doing with this job. Am I training them to be kind, loving, compassionate boys who know how much Jesus loves them? Am I raising them to be men of God who will impact the world in an amazing way? I cannot forget the end goal. The day to day can get redundant, but it's the small moments in the day in and out that add up to creating men who will use their lives for The Lord.
I also have those moments thinking on my relationship with my own mother and how I hope to nurture that same relationship with my own children. Her wisdom, patience, kindness, attentiveness, compassion and love overflows and I pray I can emulate those qualities. I had the privilege of living in the same town as her for several years before moving away and could drive across town for a quick lunch hour and catch up or run errands on a random Saturday. I took for granted that proximity and have often felt an overwhelming sense of sadness over the past few months since moving away that I am unable to just make a quick drive across town for some face to face time with this amazing woman. Words cannot express how thankful I am that she and my dad were able to be with us for Mother's Day this year. Though the trip was short, there is nothing like a mom's hug and encouragement.
There is an amazing woman who lives just 3 minutes from my driveway. My mother-in-love is the best! Her giving, selfless spirit and genuine desire to know me, my heart and my family is overwhelming. I often hear people complain about their mom-in-law and am so very grateful for our relationship. Her unconditional love and willingness to always help out in whatever way she can is rare and refreshing and does not go unnoticed. In this transition to KC, she has gone out of her way to make me feel at home and ease the difficulties of transitioning into a "new" city. I am one blessed daughter-in-law.
I am also blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, who I can call any time for any reason and she will stop and talk with me. I cherish the times we have together, though not as often any more. Living in town, I frequently stopped by their home to walk their neighborhood or for lunch and ended up talking for hours sometimes. She is one of the most selfless people I know, bending over backwards to help anyone in our family. She spends countless hours choosing the perfect card or the perfect gift to give. Her thoughtfulness, love and desire to provide for our family is astounding and worth aspiring to. I only hope that I can show that same love to the generations to come from my own little family.
Lastly, my thoughts drift often on this day to Timothy's birth mother. Her choosing adoption for him was difficult and heartbreaking. The pain she felt in placing him in my arms before leaving the hospital was very real. She cared for him for 9 months as he grew, felt his kicks and saw his first pictures on the ultrasound. I am forever grateful to her for loving him enough to place him with us.
I guess if I'm being honest, she isn't my last thought. There is another woman who has crossed my mind many times this weekend. She is birth mother of our future child (ren). Where is she? What must she be going through right now? Is she afraid? Does she have support? Does she know she is loved?
I am thankful for each of these women and the enormous impact they have on my life. So, Happy Mother's Day!
Thursday, May 7, 2015
THE list
Deep breath. Release. Repeat. Here we go again!
We are officially back on "The List!" As of today our website is back up and we can be found by birthmother's (and father's) through Lifetime.com. Wooo! Our profile is under review and as soon as we get the word I will print 50...yes 50 of these works of art to send to our coordinator. They will then pass our profile along to birth families whose criteria we meet and vice verse. I've had a few people ask what a profile is exactly so I thought I'd explain that a little bit.
A profile is essentially a scrap book of our family. It includes pages about Andy and I individually, our home, our family, things we enjoy, a letter to potential birth mothers, lots and lots of pictures. The goal is to give birth mothers a glimpse into our lives and what life would be like for her child.
So as we move forward we will not know when we are being presented to birth families, we just have to be available for THAT moment when a birth mom wants to talk to us.
I learned a very valuable lesson with Timothy's adoption. Pray specifically. Oh my, how The Lord came through with those VERY specific requests. Things prayed, but didn't even really expect to see and yet, HE provided. So I am trusting, once again, that HIS timing and details are perfect while also praying for the desires I have currently.
1) A healthy baby and mom.
2) A match near KC. Whether that's through a friend or via our profile/website. OR a match near family or close friends where we could potentially stay with someone we know for all or part of our time waiting for ICPC to come through.
3) A girl. I would love to balance out this house a little bit! BUT if The Lord blesses us with a 3rd baby boy I will be thrilled!
4) A match before the end of 2015. This might seem ambitious, but this process is stressful. The end is the best because we get to snuggle a little one and bring a sibling to our boys and THAT is the part I am already SO ready for!
5) Birth father involvement or consent.
We are officially back on "The List!" As of today our website is back up and we can be found by birthmother's (and father's) through Lifetime.com. Wooo! Our profile is under review and as soon as we get the word I will print 50...yes 50 of these works of art to send to our coordinator. They will then pass our profile along to birth families whose criteria we meet and vice verse. I've had a few people ask what a profile is exactly so I thought I'd explain that a little bit.
A profile is essentially a scrap book of our family. It includes pages about Andy and I individually, our home, our family, things we enjoy, a letter to potential birth mothers, lots and lots of pictures. The goal is to give birth mothers a glimpse into our lives and what life would be like for her child.
So as we move forward we will not know when we are being presented to birth families, we just have to be available for THAT moment when a birth mom wants to talk to us.
I learned a very valuable lesson with Timothy's adoption. Pray specifically. Oh my, how The Lord came through with those VERY specific requests. Things prayed, but didn't even really expect to see and yet, HE provided. So I am trusting, once again, that HIS timing and details are perfect while also praying for the desires I have currently.
1) A healthy baby and mom.
2) A match near KC. Whether that's through a friend or via our profile/website. OR a match near family or close friends where we could potentially stay with someone we know for all or part of our time waiting for ICPC to come through.
3) A girl. I would love to balance out this house a little bit! BUT if The Lord blesses us with a 3rd baby boy I will be thrilled!
4) A match before the end of 2015. This might seem ambitious, but this process is stressful. The end is the best because we get to snuggle a little one and bring a sibling to our boys and THAT is the part I am already SO ready for!
5) Birth father involvement or consent.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
The countdown begins....again.
6 WEEKS! What?! I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that 6 weeks from now we will be seen by birth mothers (and hopefully fathers!) again! We are SO close to adding another little to the Castro clan! I'm feeling excited, nervous, joyful, hopeful and terrified. Between now and then I've got a pretty decent "to do" list to complete, but I'm focused and ready to get it done! The main two items are creating and assembling a new profile and make a new video for our website. The place we are working with currently operates a little different than an agency. I'm a little nervous about how things will look once we are matched, but open adoption is so encouraged through this place that I'm hopeful for a smooth process! We learned a lot going through the court experience with Timothy that we are a bit more prepared this time around. Whew!
To be honest, I'm very hopeful that we can be "matched" with someone locally through a friend who can utilize the birth mother services of Lifetime. Lifetime is so sensitive to birth mothers, offering a wonderful care package, 24-7 availability to talk, scholarship opportunities if she wants to continue her education, etc. every birth mother is different in her wants, needs, focus, support and reasons for choosing adoption. Whatever the reason, she chose life for her baby and I love the support available to her.
So, as we dive into growing our family again, I ask that you join us in prayer. For our baby (or babies-twins is an option!), for our birth parents, for birth father involvement in a positive way, for a birth location nearby us or someone we can stay with to limit travel expenses. If we are out of state we have to stay for approx 2 weeks (17 days with Timothy) so this would be very helpful.
*Many of you joined us in praying VERY specifically for Timothy and the circumstances surrounding his adoption and The Lord revealed himself to me in a huge way during that time, showing me how much He truly cares for the details. I am trusting Him again with the details as they are very much beyond my control!*
If you want to be a part of our adoption in a more tangible way we are offering a new T shirt design and have a goal of selling 50. Email me at cmarie9301@yahoo.com for pictures or check it out on my Facebook page. We will also be hosting another garage sale late spring so keep an eye out so you can check out our goodies or if we can take anything off your hands as you Spring clean! (It will be a few more weeks before we collect for this) We are also still accepting donations through gofundme at http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Thank you all for your love, support, encouraging words and prayers as we enter thus journey once again!
To be honest, I'm very hopeful that we can be "matched" with someone locally through a friend who can utilize the birth mother services of Lifetime. Lifetime is so sensitive to birth mothers, offering a wonderful care package, 24-7 availability to talk, scholarship opportunities if she wants to continue her education, etc. every birth mother is different in her wants, needs, focus, support and reasons for choosing adoption. Whatever the reason, she chose life for her baby and I love the support available to her.
So, as we dive into growing our family again, I ask that you join us in prayer. For our baby (or babies-twins is an option!), for our birth parents, for birth father involvement in a positive way, for a birth location nearby us or someone we can stay with to limit travel expenses. If we are out of state we have to stay for approx 2 weeks (17 days with Timothy) so this would be very helpful.
*Many of you joined us in praying VERY specifically for Timothy and the circumstances surrounding his adoption and The Lord revealed himself to me in a huge way during that time, showing me how much He truly cares for the details. I am trusting Him again with the details as they are very much beyond my control!*
If you want to be a part of our adoption in a more tangible way we are offering a new T shirt design and have a goal of selling 50. Email me at cmarie9301@yahoo.com for pictures or check it out on my Facebook page. We will also be hosting another garage sale late spring so keep an eye out so you can check out our goodies or if we can take anything off your hands as you Spring clean! (It will be a few more weeks before we collect for this) We are also still accepting donations through gofundme at http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Thank you all for your love, support, encouraging words and prayers as we enter thus journey once again!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
A new endeavor
This post may seem a bit off topic from adoption, but I promise it ties together :)
Over this past year I have learned a lot about myself. How I manage stress, how to identify my emotions, to actually allow myself to feel. For a long time now I have managed to stifle my emotions under the umbrella of being sober minded. In my attempt to always take a step back and evaluate a situation I didn't ever truly address what I was feeling. Instead I ate chocolate :) Who can relate?! I've learned that this is probably not the best way to deal, right? I need to allow myself to feel, work through those feelings, AND measure the situation with biblical mindset. Being sober minded doesn't mean just sweeping my emotion under the rug, as I have been operating. As I stated earlier however, I didn't really sweep them, I ate them. It was a stressful year from day 1 with lots of changes and lots of chocolate.
My goals for this year included balance and consistency. Balance in life, consistency in time spent on my relationship with The Lord, balance between being a wife, mom, friend, daughter, grand daughter. Part of that balance also includes actively contributing financially to my family. Which brings me to the next part of my goal: balance and consistency with making healthy food choices and exercise. While these things are a work in progress, I have made great strides in many areas. However, getting healthy has been one of my greatest challenges. This verse has been stuck in my mind a lot over the past few weeks:
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit..."
I need to be taking good care of this body I have been given.
My tendency is to eat well throughout the week then completely binge on the weekends and undo all my efforts. Recently I made the decision to become a coach with Beachbody. Originally I joined this team as a form of accountability. A support group of sorts. What I have discovered, however, is that my being a coach goes far beyond this original goal and can actually help accomplish the balance and consistency I'm working toward in 2015. With a focus of helping others achieve theirs goals of getting healthy and fit, while walking that journey myself requires time, which requires balance and focus as well as my own consistency. I get to financially contribute to my family, while focusing on my own health and fitness goals as well as walk alongside others (maybe you?!) as they work toward a better/healthier life. I'm super excited about this endeavor! How I can help myself, others, AND contribute to our adoption fund by growing this business. If you use Beachbody programs/products but do not have a coach, I would LOVE to join your journey with you. If you have considered the craziness of PIYO, T25, Insanity or P90X but haven't made the jump or want to try out the super yummy and crazy healthy Shakeology (I drink it every day!) hit me up! Together we can figure out what works best for you!
I strongly believe my "job" is to be home with my boys, but I need to have a "job" that makes a little money for our adoption. This is the best of both worlds for me!
Over this past year I have learned a lot about myself. How I manage stress, how to identify my emotions, to actually allow myself to feel. For a long time now I have managed to stifle my emotions under the umbrella of being sober minded. In my attempt to always take a step back and evaluate a situation I didn't ever truly address what I was feeling. Instead I ate chocolate :) Who can relate?! I've learned that this is probably not the best way to deal, right? I need to allow myself to feel, work through those feelings, AND measure the situation with biblical mindset. Being sober minded doesn't mean just sweeping my emotion under the rug, as I have been operating. As I stated earlier however, I didn't really sweep them, I ate them. It was a stressful year from day 1 with lots of changes and lots of chocolate.
My goals for this year included balance and consistency. Balance in life, consistency in time spent on my relationship with The Lord, balance between being a wife, mom, friend, daughter, grand daughter. Part of that balance also includes actively contributing financially to my family. Which brings me to the next part of my goal: balance and consistency with making healthy food choices and exercise. While these things are a work in progress, I have made great strides in many areas. However, getting healthy has been one of my greatest challenges. This verse has been stuck in my mind a lot over the past few weeks:
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit..."
I need to be taking good care of this body I have been given.
My tendency is to eat well throughout the week then completely binge on the weekends and undo all my efforts. Recently I made the decision to become a coach with Beachbody. Originally I joined this team as a form of accountability. A support group of sorts. What I have discovered, however, is that my being a coach goes far beyond this original goal and can actually help accomplish the balance and consistency I'm working toward in 2015. With a focus of helping others achieve theirs goals of getting healthy and fit, while walking that journey myself requires time, which requires balance and focus as well as my own consistency. I get to financially contribute to my family, while focusing on my own health and fitness goals as well as walk alongside others (maybe you?!) as they work toward a better/healthier life. I'm super excited about this endeavor! How I can help myself, others, AND contribute to our adoption fund by growing this business. If you use Beachbody programs/products but do not have a coach, I would LOVE to join your journey with you. If you have considered the craziness of PIYO, T25, Insanity or P90X but haven't made the jump or want to try out the super yummy and crazy healthy Shakeology (I drink it every day!) hit me up! Together we can figure out what works best for you!
I strongly believe my "job" is to be home with my boys, but I need to have a "job" that makes a little money for our adoption. This is the best of both worlds for me!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
What a year!
Wow. Has it really been a year already?! It just doesn't even seem possible and what a year it's been! On February 21, 2014 my phone rang and everything changed. Timothy was on his way and I went into crazy mode packing, making phone calls, praying, and trying to calm my heart. After a few days in the hospital, 2 weeks in a hotel, a visit from my parents, a visit from my grandparents, and reuniting with Josiah we finally got to head home. 3 days later we loaded up again as a family of 4 for a family wedding where we hot to introduce Timothy to everyone!! He was quite a trooper. Fantastic traveler and great infant sleeper. Over the course of the following 12 months our family made some HUGE changes. We had 2 post placement visits with our agency. Andy made the decision to go into full time minstry. A few months later this came to fruition with the offer of a pastor position at his home church, Graceway, in Kansas City. So we put our house on the market, accepted an offer soon after, packed up and moved to Kansas City. We temporarily stayed with both of our parents during this time as we went back and forth finalizing the sale of our home, moved into our new house, started a small group, started a leadership group (both of which meet in our home), and tried to settle in to our new normal. Not quite 3 weeks after we moved in we needed to update our homestudy and have another post placement check in, which included a visit from our social worker, more money, and making sure our house was ready/safe. We also did an interview with a local news station focusing on adoption and the cost involved. They were so kind to talk with us and share our story. Then we entered the holiday season: Thanksgiving, Christmas tree decorating, visiting Santa, tamale making...busy time! On top of the normal busyness, In December Andy took on some new responsibilities at work, making things pretty crazy for a while. After the first of the year we began gearing up for Timothy's final court date. This meant a 4th post placement visit in Springfield, more checks to the attorney, and of course, new outfits! :)
FINALLY......on February 27 when Timothy was 1 year 5 days old a judge declared his adoption final and we were OFFICIALLY his parents!!!! Oh the joy! I wish I could explain this day. That morning I literally couldn't eat I was so nervous. On the way to the courthouse my heart was beating out of my
chest. I felt like I was in labor again, reminding myself to breathe! Even though I knew Timothy was ours and everything was in place, I couldn't help but be nervous. What if we had missed a step? What if the judge wanted to see more? What if the guardian ad litem didn't approve of us? There was always this looming weight. Such a heavy weight, that I can only describe as stifling. I don't think I even realized it was there until everything was declared official. What if I had unintentionally said or done something wrong? Could my baby boy still be taken from me? Oh, how my heart and mind raced. I think I cried tears of joy and relief 3 times before we got home that day. Even writing this, my heart is racing and tears fill my eyes.
This journey of adoption is lifelong. We have an ongoing relationship with Timothy's birth parents that has been interesting to navigate this past year, and will continue to streach and grow us the rest of our lives. This experience of open adoption has taught me grace and love beyond what I knew possible.
While it is such a freeing feeling and a wonderful to have this chapter of the story closed, we are now beginning the next chapter of the next adoption book! It's time to take a deep breath and dive in again. It's time to make a new profile, a new video, and begin fervently praying for baby #3!
If you would like to be a part of our next adoption please use the link below. Thankfully we have been able to fund the majority of this adoption already and now just need about $7,000 for legal fees and potential travel. We covet your prayers as God writes the book of our third baby. For her (I just have a feeling!), for her birth mother and father, for our boys, for our family, for our marriage, for our ministry. The emotions of adoption are deep, intense, constant and worth it.
http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Next blog: my new adventure to getting healthy for my family and helping others do the same!
FINALLY......on February 27 when Timothy was 1 year 5 days old a judge declared his adoption final and we were OFFICIALLY his parents!!!! Oh the joy! I wish I could explain this day. That morning I literally couldn't eat I was so nervous. On the way to the courthouse my heart was beating out of my
chest. I felt like I was in labor again, reminding myself to breathe! Even though I knew Timothy was ours and everything was in place, I couldn't help but be nervous. What if we had missed a step? What if the judge wanted to see more? What if the guardian ad litem didn't approve of us? There was always this looming weight. Such a heavy weight, that I can only describe as stifling. I don't think I even realized it was there until everything was declared official. What if I had unintentionally said or done something wrong? Could my baby boy still be taken from me? Oh, how my heart and mind raced. I think I cried tears of joy and relief 3 times before we got home that day. Even writing this, my heart is racing and tears fill my eyes.
This journey of adoption is lifelong. We have an ongoing relationship with Timothy's birth parents that has been interesting to navigate this past year, and will continue to streach and grow us the rest of our lives. This experience of open adoption has taught me grace and love beyond what I knew possible.
While it is such a freeing feeling and a wonderful to have this chapter of the story closed, we are now beginning the next chapter of the next adoption book! It's time to take a deep breath and dive in again. It's time to make a new profile, a new video, and begin fervently praying for baby #3!
If you would like to be a part of our next adoption please use the link below. Thankfully we have been able to fund the majority of this adoption already and now just need about $7,000 for legal fees and potential travel. We covet your prayers as God writes the book of our third baby. For her (I just have a feeling!), for her birth mother and father, for our boys, for our family, for our marriage, for our ministry. The emotions of adoption are deep, intense, constant and worth it.
http://www.gofundme.com/Castro-Adoption
Next blog: my new adventure to getting healthy for my family and helping others do the same!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Big Changes
It has, once again, been WAY too long since I gave update and there have been MANY changes in the Castro family over the past few months.
In late Spring my hubby came to me and told me he had made a decision. This decision would affect our family significantly. I was a little nervous, but as I listened to him tell me that he felt he needed to be in full time, vocational ministry all I could think was "Glad you figured it out!" :) I had total peace about this choice and was excited to see where this decision would take us. At this time there was some discussion about joining staff somewhere locally. While I loved this idea, in my heart I just knew Springfield wasn't where we would end up. I did begin to wonder where we would go though. Would we have to start over somewhere new? Would we have to start from square one on adoption paperwork again? I am pretty introverted, how will I make new friends? What will I do without family nearby? I had to resolve that I would pick up and follow my husband wherever The Lord called us. A few weeks later Andy had coffee with a pastor of his home church in Kansas City, as he occasionally did when we would visit. This meeting led to more meetings and discussions, which eventually lead to his being offered a job to join the pastoral staff at Graceway Church. His heart is not mine to share, but it will say there was such peace in this offer that we couldn't say no.
So, while we did relocate (or rather, are relocating currently), it's not THAT far from Springfield. We have lots of family in KC. And while I still feel "new," I have lived there before and people are being so kind and welcoming. Our house in Springfield sold quickly and assuming this week goes well (pray for no rain!) we close Friday. We also had an amazing realtor who found us a great house in KC. My other fear of financial struggle has also been put to rest as I learn to trust in God's provision. While there's a pretty decent gap between the salary of a pastor and that of an engineer, He has not failed to provide. Funding the legal and travel fees for our second adoption may be tricky, but not impossible and I am learning how to be an even better steward of what The Lord has given us.
Ministry is not foreign to me as many of my family members are pastors, or were at one point, but this is a new role for me and my immediate family. I was asked the other day what scares me the most about Andy being a pastor. In an effort to share more of my heart, I want to share my answer with all of you. We have all heard stories of "pastors kids" being crazy and rebellious. I think every parent fears that to an extent, but my fear is mostly that my children will feel pressure to perform in their role as a "pastor's kid" and that the unrealistic expectations of others will overwhelm them. I pray they grow into a genuine relationship with The Lord and I pray that people give them grace as they
navigate growing up with more than a few eyes on them at times.
Pray for me this week as I pack up our house here in Springfield. There is a certain finality that comes with packing up all our material things and leaving our home here and that stirs some emotions in me I didn't realize were there.
Next update: Timothy's finalization, birth family, and next adoption steps.
In late Spring my hubby came to me and told me he had made a decision. This decision would affect our family significantly. I was a little nervous, but as I listened to him tell me that he felt he needed to be in full time, vocational ministry all I could think was "Glad you figured it out!" :) I had total peace about this choice and was excited to see where this decision would take us. At this time there was some discussion about joining staff somewhere locally. While I loved this idea, in my heart I just knew Springfield wasn't where we would end up. I did begin to wonder where we would go though. Would we have to start over somewhere new? Would we have to start from square one on adoption paperwork again? I am pretty introverted, how will I make new friends? What will I do without family nearby? I had to resolve that I would pick up and follow my husband wherever The Lord called us. A few weeks later Andy had coffee with a pastor of his home church in Kansas City, as he occasionally did when we would visit. This meeting led to more meetings and discussions, which eventually lead to his being offered a job to join the pastoral staff at Graceway Church. His heart is not mine to share, but it will say there was such peace in this offer that we couldn't say no.
So, while we did relocate (or rather, are relocating currently), it's not THAT far from Springfield. We have lots of family in KC. And while I still feel "new," I have lived there before and people are being so kind and welcoming. Our house in Springfield sold quickly and assuming this week goes well (pray for no rain!) we close Friday. We also had an amazing realtor who found us a great house in KC. My other fear of financial struggle has also been put to rest as I learn to trust in God's provision. While there's a pretty decent gap between the salary of a pastor and that of an engineer, He has not failed to provide. Funding the legal and travel fees for our second adoption may be tricky, but not impossible and I am learning how to be an even better steward of what The Lord has given us.
Ministry is not foreign to me as many of my family members are pastors, or were at one point, but this is a new role for me and my immediate family. I was asked the other day what scares me the most about Andy being a pastor. In an effort to share more of my heart, I want to share my answer with all of you. We have all heard stories of "pastors kids" being crazy and rebellious. I think every parent fears that to an extent, but my fear is mostly that my children will feel pressure to perform in their role as a "pastor's kid" and that the unrealistic expectations of others will overwhelm them. I pray they grow into a genuine relationship with The Lord and I pray that people give them grace as they
navigate growing up with more than a few eyes on them at times.
Pray for me this week as I pack up our house here in Springfield. There is a certain finality that comes with packing up all our material things and leaving our home here and that stirs some emotions in me I didn't realize were there.
Next update: Timothy's finalization, birth family, and next adoption steps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)