Through it all, it is well...or is it?

Yesterday we sang a song at church that has become one of my very favorites. It contains lyrics from one of my favorite hymns, has a powerful melody, and is a beautiful anthem for declaring God's goodness no matter what. 

As we sang though, I found myself having a really difficult time singing these words:

"Through it all, it is well. It is well with my soul." 

Instead of it being a declaration these words became more of a plea. I want it to be well. My desire is for that kind of faith. Faith that moves mountains. Faith that can declare with complete honesty "It is well with my soul!" 

Some days I can sing this song with complete certainty. For that I am grateful. Other days, I have to lay down my pain before the Lord and allow Him to heal me. And for that I am also grateful. Because I have a God that allows me to come before Him in my brokenness. I have a God that knows each tear that falls and HEARS me. What a wonderful thing to experience! 

And then, as if God knew I just needed a little more comfort and hope poured into my life, he allowed me to see, this morning, the story of a family who declared the verse: "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." I have not claimed this verse as I should, and have often doubted if God will "come through" for us in this adoption. I have been convicted of this doubt and will take that thought captive moving forward. It is natural, I think, for us to wonder, doubt, become frustrated, fear and worry. It is not something to beat myself up over. It is something for me to recognize, confess and lay before the Lord. He tells me to "Cast all my care upon Him because He cares for me"--so I will lay my burdens at His feet and rest in Him. Knowing that He loves, cares and desires the absolute best for me. It may not look like I think it will, and that's ok. 

A new adventure

It's been awhile...again.

I truly hope everyone reading this is doing wonderful! It seems as if 2017 has brought much heartache or many people and I pray the next half of the year is filled with good news, wonderful blessings and joy.

As I sit here on this Sunday evening, I am contemplative, nervous, excited, anxious, curious, hopeful, and many more emotions I can't seem to put words to. When this happens, I sit here on my couch with my computer and start typing. So here I am. Typing away and hoping I can express what's happening in this head and heart of mine!

Tomorrow morning I will sit down with oldest son. We will begin a new routine. A new rhythm. A new relationship. Tomorrow I will officially become his teacher. Home schooling is not something I had ever seriously considered doing. Before we had children Andy and I were actually pretty adamant that our kids would attend public schools. For many reasons, we felt this was the best choice. Then we had kids! Ha! As our lives have taken twists and turns, we have changed, grown and adapted the way we view many things in life. The way in which we school our children being one of those things. As the time came for us to consider Josiah's kindergarten experience, the idea of home schooling just kept coming to the forefront of our minds. It made sense. I'm a former teacher with a degree in Early Childhood Education. I know the expectations for children his age. Josiah loves to learn. He often asks to do school anyway. His compliance should make for a fairly smooth transition. (Much more went into this decision, but I feel those are more personal reasons to keep within our family)

So why am I awake at 11:00PM the night before his first day of school with a knot in my stomach and on the brink of tears? I'm not sending him off, out into the world. He probably won't even put shoes on tomorrow morning! It's symbolic. It's the fact that he is even old enough to be entering school. He has grown and changed and matured so much more that I ever imagined over the past 5 years. And it has flown by! How many things did I miss? What did I not commit to memory that I should have? Where did these 5 years go? I am so incredibly proud of this kid. My first born. My sensitive, sweet, loving, kind and joyful son. I am overwhelmed tonight by the love I have for him. My heart is flooded with memories from these first year and bursting with what the next could look like for him.

Selfishly, I am terrified and insecure. Can I do this? Will I teach him well enough? Will I prepare him for the day he does set foot inside an actual school? Can I keep the routine and structure needed to make this successful? Will this change our relationship? If so, will it change for the better? How will the effect Timothy? When we finally do get to bring a new little baby (or babies!) home, will I have what it takes to keep this venture going? What if I fail? There are many things in life I have felt nervous about, but I'm not sure I've ever feared failing as much as I fear failing my children.

BUT...I know that God has equipped me for this. In my head, I absolutely know that this is not all on me. HE will go before me, because HE has called me to this. He has given me a supportive husband who desires to be a part of this process. We walk this road together. God has not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. So it is with these traits I will go forward. I will claim HIS power, HIS love and allow HIM to give me a sound mind.

So here's to a great first year of school and new adventure for our family!

**PS: The boys have now started praying often for a new baby (and hopefully!) sister soon! Childlike faith putting me to shame.I know this post isn't really adoption related, but I thank you and continue to covet your prayers for a match soon! We are SO ready to grow our family!**

Boys vs. Men

I'm not here to tell anyone how to parent and generally speaking I keep my opinions about parenting to myself on social media/the internet in general. It's a slippery slope that opens a door that many times leads to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and complete lack of grace. So I will say here and now that my goal is not to tell anyone what to do, it is not to disregard the "exceptions" or degrade parents. These are simply my personal observations as well as my goals for my own boys. Since I do not have daughters yet I will not speak to that. I will only speak to my experience as a mom of boys.

Man up!
Will he ever grow up?
Boys will be boys.
Girls just mature faster.

Terms we often hear thrown around, mostly in relation to boys/men who are in college/lower 20's. It seems to be expected and accepted as normal in our culture today. It's an over generalization to say that all men in this category behave as boys. I personally know many, many men who have taken on great responsibility and behave as mature adults who lead and contribute to society. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the boys who just can't seem to get it together. The ones who can't/won't commit...to a job, to a significant other, to a ministry, to anything. The boys who expect their parents to bail them out of any mess the create for themselves. My husband and I have a very important job. We are not raising boys, we are raising MEN. Our job is to raise men...

Who are confident in who they are in Christ
Who love God
Who will commit to their wife and love her as Christ loves the church (If God has a wife for them)
Who will sacrificially love their children (If this is part of their future)
Who seek after and follow God's plan for their life
Who are selfless, kind, forgiving, loving
Who express their emotions and are vulnerable
Who behave with integrity
Who lead well

My husband plays a huge role in how our boys grow up and I will NOT discount his influence for one second. But I want to talk about mothering, because that's my area. Mothering today has become this thing where the primary goal seems to be making your kids happy, protecting them from any and all hurts, providing excessive safety where our boys are never challenged or forced to stand up for themselves. We come to their rescue, coddle and stifle them. It is our natural inclination to keep them close, to shelter them from storms, to jump into action when anything comes close to looking like it might hurt them (I'm not talking about keeping your kids from running into oncoming traffic here). Instead of telling our boys that not everyone will always cave to their desires, we give in and create this "safe" space where they never learn independence. If a kid doesn't want to play their game- there just MUST be something wrong with that kid. Heaven forbid we challenge our boys to examine their own actions. Are you being kind, son? Are you offering to play what your friend wants to play? (Selflessness) Are you speaking in anger? (Be quick to listen, slow to anger-James 1:19) We keep them in a state of dependence on us as mommies for so long that when it comes time for them to stand on their own two feet they have no idea what that looks like. It's so easy in the day to day to want to keep them little, snuggle them like when they were babies, be the caregiver and protector that we forget we are raising warriors. We forget that we need to raise those boys to become men who can protect instead of always being protected. We need to teach them how to be confident in themselves-in who they are in Christ-so they can handle anything and everything that life throws their way. I am by no means perfect in this area. I think this is why I am writing this. God has been showing me lately the effects of NOT keeping the end goal in mind and that terrifies me. So as mama's of boys, let's rally together to raise up MEN and LET GO of our selfish desires to keep them boys.

Grief/Processing/Mandy

I don't have a schedule I try to follow when I write, there are just nights when I sit down and feel like I need to get things on "paper" and most nights I don't even know what that is till I start typing. That's how it is tonight. I don't have anything on the tip of my tongue just waiting to pour out. I don't even know if what ends up on this screen will make any sense whatsoever. I just know that I need to write. So here goes nothing and thanks for bearing with me...

The last blog I posted was on grief. At that time I was grieving and still continue to grieve the loss of our last adoption. A couple of weeks ago we were sneaking up on the due date for that little girl and I knew that day would be hard. On Sunday, March 19 I reposted to my facebook page the song "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. My dear friend Mandy and I shared this song as our go to in the midst of adoption grief, when there are no words we just prayed this song. She made the following comment on that post:

"This was my go to song. Love you."

And how I knew she meant it! I was in Springfield visiting my parents and knew that when I headed home Tuesday morning I would pick up my phone and call Mandy for some good, uninterrupted talk time! Mornings when I drove to or from KC always proved to be the best time for both of us. I also knew that Tuesday would be hard for my heart. It was the due date for our little girl that will be forever with her first mommy. And that's ok! But my heart was still struggling. I knew Mandy would "get it" and we could talk through it all. So when I rolled out of bed early that morning and my phone was ringing I didn't pick up right away. My aunt was calling and I needed to pack so I figured I would call her back, but when I came up the stairs and heard my dad saying that she was calling my mom something in me knew I needed to talk to her. I called my aunt back immediately and... my heart literally beats harder and my hands are weak as I recall that conversation that completely changed the course for that day, and not just that day, but in many ways my entire life.

"Have you talked to anyone yet this morning?"
"No, what's going on?"
"Last night, in South Carolina, there was a fire at Mandy's house and Mandy, Lizzy and Baby Judah did not make it out of the house." (some information was mis-communicated originally and I learned shortly later that Scott, her husband had passed away as well)

It was at this point the room went dark and blurry. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation. This loss, well, I just can't explain it. These four people: my closest friend, her energetic and joyful Lizzy, her miracle rainbow baby Judah and her supportive and loving husband...I think a part of me is still in denial. Like I'm going to wake up and we will keep making plans to visit each other as soon as possible. We will talk adoption plans and hopes for our families. We will discuss our husband's love for ministry and what God possibly has for them, what we need to do to support them. We will discuss home school options, how to find curriculum, what works and doesn't, etc...

I picked up the phone the other day to call her, out of habit, before remembering I can't do that anymore.

As I stated in my last blog, I've never lost anyone before. In the past 18 months I've lost 3 babies via disrupted adoptions and my Mandy. This loss of my friend is gut wrenching. It has literally knocked the wind out of me on more than one occasion. The anger has not come....yet. Though I'm sure it will, but at this moment in time I have an inexpiable peace. Peace that truly comes only from the Lord. Which is kind of surprising, considering I have kept Him at arms length the past few weeks. Yes, I have prayed, read a little here and there, but actual communion with God has not been happening over here. Just being honest. Inviting God into my pain is something I have been working on, but if I'm completely honest it's still a struggle. The past couple of days He has been really working on my heart and getting me to a place of true communication with Him once again. He has been so gracious to use my pain in allowing me to minister to others who are hurting and given me many opportunities to see beyond myself. Beyond my selfishness. Beyond my grief. He is showing me, even as I write these words, that there is a greater work happening around me. He is working all the pieces of this puzzle called Life, walking with us in our pain, sitting with us in our grief, holding us up when we are weak, loving us when we are unlovely, giving grace when we are undeserving, staying near when we are silent toward Him. He is here and He is good. He will redeem and make beauty from these ashes.

See? I guess I did need to write tonight. This seems to be how God reveals Himself to me.lately :)

Mandy inspired many in her life. She loved so incredibly well. So, at this moment in time, this is what I feel God is revealing to me and challenging me to do. I need to love well. Not love convenient. Not love in obligation. But love well-unselfishly, unconditionally, passionately, in every moment, with everyone. Love well.

So, Mandy, thank you for inspiring. Thank you for your joy. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for your empathy, Thank you for being authentic. Thank you for letting me into your hurts. Thank you for letting me into your rejoicing. Thank you for walking with me in life. Thank you for your warm and genuine hugs. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your example. Thank you for loving me well. I will do my best, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to love others and finish well.

Grief

Grief is a funny thing. It hits you smack in the face when you least expect it. It comes and goes. It hurts and heals. There are stages-yes. But they look different for everyone. I've never really experienced loss in my life. My parents and both sets of grandparents are both living. I've never lost a close friend. I've never experienced a miscarriage or still birth of a child. I've had disappointments, but nothing extreme. It took a while to get pregnant with our oldest son, so there was grief with that each month, but also still hope because I was confident we would end up with a baby one way or another. We were in the adoption process at that time so I knew it was going to happen. Timothy's adoption went so smoothly from start to finish. "Typical" experiences navigating relationships and hospital time with his birth parents but placement and legal paperwork was standard and timely. We expected our second adoption to be the same.

When we were matched with the twins our family felt so complete. When we "lost" the twins it was terrible. I experienced a great deal of sadness, lots of denial until they were released from the hospital-but mostly anger. Anger toward God. Anger toward their mom. Anger toward the hospital social worker and attorney. Anger toward myself. If I could have just said one thing differently. If I could have just convinced her. If, if, if....Since then I've had waves of many emotions, but the primary one is anger.

This time it seems to be different. There's not much denial at this point. Maybe there is a small part of me that hopes she will change her mind once the baby is born, but honestly I don't see that happening. I've definitely had moments of anger, but not at anyone in particular. Just the situation. What I'm experiencing this time is overwhelming sadness. I miss this little girl. I looked at her ultrasound pictures on my fridge every single day. Her presence is missing from my home. The sadness comes and goes. I am still living wonderful moments with my family and soaking up new milestones my boys are reaching. I can function and even enjoy life. God is doing amazing things with my family, leading us in an exciting direction, and providing so much amazing community who have loved us immensely through this. But every once in a while, when I least expect it, the sadness overwhelms me.

I guess this is grief. It's unique to each person and each situation. It has taught me empathy in a way I've never been able to understand before. It reminds me of my emotions, when I want to shut them off and keeps me from becoming numb.

Thank you again, friends, for you love and kind words. And thank you for reading as I process through this grief. I wish I could offer something truly uplifting and inspiring. When words fail me as I pray these words fill my mind. "Be still and know that I am God." He will redeem this pain. He will make something beautiful from this. He is Good. He loves me and He loves those three babies more than I could ever comprehend. And for that I am grateful and have peace.

He is STILL good.

I found it not a coincidence at all that we sang "King of my heart" in church yesterday. Considering I just wrote a blog on how God will never let us down and how incredibly GOOD He is. Singing was not something I was capable of doing through my tears, especially as I struggled to truly believe this song. But as the voices around me lifted up His name and proclaimed this truth, the Lord began to slowly speak to my heart. Yes, He is still good. Yes, he still loves me. No, He will NEVER let me down. Our worship leader spoke of allowing others in the room to sing these words over us if we were not able. This broke me. Having been given permission to just be in the moment and wrestle through the emotions flooding my heart gave me such relief. I don't have to FEEL good, but I absolutely KNOW that HE is good. The Lord has shown us undeserved blessings these past few days. I can't even list the ways, but He has made His presence known and overwhelmed my heart with His peace.

After my mom told me she heard this song on her way home from visiting us this weekend I had to look it up. These words speak so clearly what I feel I am trying to express right now. Follow the link below to listen to "Thy Will" By Hillary Scott & The Scott Family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw

Thank you all again for your continued love, support and prayers. They are felt, appreciated and help more than you know.

On a more practical side of this adoption journey: We are "active" with our agency again, meaning we are now being shown to new birth moms. We are hopeful and praying that we are matched quickly. Quickly meaning within a time frame that allows us to finalize an adoption before January 2018 so that we don't have to renew our home study again :)

The blog I never wanted to write

Yesterday I got a devastating phone call.

Our birth mother, whom we have been matched with since October has decided to parent. Changed her mind. For almost 3 months we planned for and anticipated the arrival of our girl! I was careful, at first, not to get too invested. I loved that little girl and could not WAIT to bring her home. But, I also knew from before that it may not happen and I was careful not to buy too many (but a few!) pink things or put a nursery together. As time went on I became more sure. We had conversations where she talked about this baby girl being ours-mine and Andy's-and her being the boy's sister. We had a name for her. I became confident enough in this situation to allow myself to be all in. I have her beautiful ultrasound on my refrigerator. I have some adorable pink and floral outfits hanging in my guest room closet. I was going to be a mom again.

I am not angry with her. I am actually at peace with the family that this sweet baby girl we have been preparing for will be going home to. They love the Lord and this momma is a beautiful person who genuinely loves her baby girl with a selfless love.

I do, however, feel like my world has been shattered...again. Why must we experience this loss...again? Our family is not complete. I believe this with my entire heart. This is not the end of our adoption journey, this I also believe with my entire heart. The waves of sadness I have experienced since that phone call are intense and somewhat shocking. I'll compare the experiences of loss at a later time, but I can say with absolute certainty that the sadness I am feeling is overwhelming and cuts to the core. My heart literally hurts. I also hurt because we have pulled our family into this journey with us. They did not ask to walk this road, but have jumped in with us and are hurting with us. I'm thankful for that and it kills me all at the same time. We aren't the only ones hurting in this situation and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that we got up the hopes of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...my boys. Ugh...I can't even think of telling my boys.

The Lord has shown me so much love though. He has sent me encouragement through family members and new friends that have offered meals, a comforting ear, shoulder to cry on or to come hang with our boys so Andy and I can take a little time to ourselves and process. A gift of chocolate and gift card to our favorite pizza place that has become our place for celebration and sorrow both (thanks, Jordan!), a class already scheduled at church with a pastor who has walked our path in the most devastating way who loved on and prayed for us (Thanks, Tim!), a friend who spontaneously called Andy to hang out after class (who didn't know yet what had transpired throughout the day-Talon, you're awesome). I am thankful that God is allowing me a clear enough mind to recognize these people and moments as blessings from Him in the midst of heartache.

Hear me now, friends. Although my heart is broken. HE will pick up the pieces, put them back together, and continue writing the beautiful story of our family. I have a renewed hope today and peace that I know can only come from God Almighty. This is not to say the pain is gone, but that He is carrying me through this valley. He speaks to me through music often and this phrase of a certain hymn has been in my mind:

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."

How powerful are these words? My hope is built on the strongest foundation it can be and while I may falter and question and worry, HE does not. Jesus gave His life so that I may have hope in an eternity in Heaven, where no more tears are shed. He is righteous.

So we will grieve this loss (with a little help from chocolate) and lean on Christ. We will take advantage of the people and situations He puts in our path to help us through. We will be sad and angry and confused and hurt, but we WILL believe in the power of Christ to restore, redeem and make beautiful things from this hurt.

Thank you all for walking this road with us. Your prayers and support are felt and appreciated.